My son did all of the things that are mentioned and so did we. With the time out method, my son was in constant time out for more than 2 months. No way is that good for a child that needs to move. It only served to make him more aggressive and angry. We tried taking things away. Didn't work either. We even tried sending him to his room immediately. Not for us. However, every child is different, try one of the suggestions until you find what fits your child best. My son turned 7 yesterday and the low point for me was when I had to walk in to the psychologist's office and admit in front of my husband that I was physically afraid of my own son. Of course, I had the bruises and lumps on the head to show why. The psychologist suggested we read the book "The Explosive Child". It doesn't tell you how to control your child, but it does give you a plan of action. Plan B, actually. Ever since we started implementing this in September, my son (who is not only severely ADHD, but also Oppositional Defiant) has only hit a few times rather than a few times per minute! It's not a solution for everyone, but nothing is. I think that is the key, every child with or without ADHD is vastly different and our discipline methods have to vary slightly for each one.

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as a former Canadian now living in Texas, I would suggest that you find a new doctor or peditrician. We medicated our now 10 year old when he was 4 and kindergarden ( and living in Ontario). It took finding a doctor that believed us. We were seen by some that told us that we were crazy and to wait until he was in the 3rd grade, but when we finally found one that believed us it was like night and day. We also tried an organic diet and that combined with eliminating all food colouring really helped for about a year. We have had some good years but are now dealing with the hormonal changes and some ODD behavior. Somedays we wander around in daze saying "this too shall pass, now would be good" Remember to take of yourself as well.

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I've just started with the Transforming the Difficult Child approach. I'm having great improvements in my son's helpfulness, neatness, and agreeableness, and overall the intensity is down. He is following directions better too, now that I phrase them in the "I need you to..." format. Also I only give one direction at a time.

My guy is way smart and verbally talented and logical. My problem is that when I say 'no' to something, sometimes he proposes sensible alternatives...which we might call successful problem solving...which I agree to. However, he doesn't ever take no for an answer. I've told him that I will listen to him once, but after that its an argument. This is not helping because the 'once' turns into an extended verbal essay for things I am not going to agree to ever -like staying home from school to play video games!

So how do I cut off arguments without cutting off reasonable discussion?

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This is a reply to an earlier post from a Mom who had a very smart son who is doing poorly in school and says he's not smart...

Your son sounds a lot like mine! He is very smart but kept telling me he is not! He doesn't perform very well in school, except in science where they care more about what he knows than how he writes or spells the answers.

Many, many brilliant ADHD kids have dyslexia or other learning problems! Dyslexia has a lot of symptoms other than what you first think of.

Some indicators are: left-right or up-down confusion. Also before-after confusion, which can lead to problems reading a regular clock or following directions. Poor reading aloud Trouble with handwriting Bad spelling Difficulty rhyming Early stuttering Early ear infections Slow reading Problems with long division Problems learning to tie shoes

If you want to read more, google "Bright Solutions for Dyslexia" and look at the webcasts!

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Please take my frustration and anger, not towards you, but towards this whole situation. My daughter, 10, has been diagnost with all this from the age of 6 to now. She has been 2 in patient facilities and 3 partial facilities. The last was a joke and we are back to square one. Sending her to her room. Yeh, right. She just looks at you and says "NO!" If she does make it, everything in that room is trashed. Again our nerves. Then there is the sreaming and yelling from her. She can shatter crystal. You can imagine what it does to our hears and nerves. Though she tell the therapist that she hates all the sreaming and yelling. The amazing thing is when she was away there was not one time there was screaming and yelling. The therapist says it is a learned behavior. Sorry, I have looked at her tonsiles since she was born. She learned that from herself. I had hoped the last place would help her to see the common denominator of all the anger, frustration, chaos and negitivity comes from her behavior. No, it is all our fault. That not only makes me mad, but really want to scream and yell. I love her. I brought her there to get some help.

I have tried to be possitve, tough, yelling, ignoring, reasoning, rewards. I feel I have sacrifices my son's happiness and well being to help her. I have spent more time with her in school, hospitols, doctors offices, therapists offices, and home time than cooking , cleaning or with my husband (personal time not talking about what to do for her) in my short 45 years on the earth. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve a room at her facility. Then I would get a vacation. I really mean it. I needed to vent. Hope no ones takes this the wrong way. But I am tired and want it all to go away. Sometimes I want her to go away. I cry inside every night. I feel there is not any way to fix or deal with it that will help. Thanks for listening.

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I'm replying to the 'pre-law' thread and question about how to stop the arguing. The best thing I ever heard (on this site?) was the mom who said the home is not the place to learn about democracy. It's a place to learn about love, respect, responsibility, authority, etc. (something like that). I had been parenting as if my son was my partner (in the democracy). Don't get me wrong - I highly value his opinion and I give my children quite a lot of width and breath to express themselves. HOWEVER, I've realized that his non-stop arguing wasn't good for me - it drove me crazy. And if it was a pattern I wasn't going to help him shift, he'd keep that up in all of his relationships going forward. At the thought of raising someone like his dad (my ex) who is self-serving and doesn't know humility I realized I needed to make the change. I didn't want to grow a man with those qualities. (And a story from a friend about her adult brother who was banned from future family gatherings because of his selfish behavior really helped cinch the deal!) So, with a GREAT deal of initial discomfort, I told him I would not tolerate arguing about a consequence or about other things I felt strongly about (doing the dishes before going out, cleaning up his room before a playdate, etc.) He immediately tested me and got the consequence (room for 20 min) and basically hasn't done it more than once in 2 months. Simply amazing. From time to time, I'm happy to hear his rebuttal to one of my requests and let him lead. The key is noticing how my belly feels while he's doing it. If I'm getting tense and irritated, then I know he (and I) are going too far and I need to cut it off. But, if I'm in the flow, appreciating his keen mind and seeing his logic, then I'm good to go if my belly is with me on it. Hope that helps!

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Hi ...I am so glad I found this..Maybe I can finally relate to someone...I have four children..My two youngest ages 9 an 12 are both ADD...my 9 year old has some attention issues and that is all...But my 12 year old is a different story...He has the worst attitude and he doesn't care how much time out you give him...I have taken everthing he owns away...He is grounded right now for grades...He is extremely smart...HE is in a gifted and talented advanced program at school....which I hate because although he is capable of understanding he hates to do the work.....The only thing I allow him to do right now is play sports...He is very athletic and has made football...basketball ...and baseball....My husband and I fight about this...I don't think he should be allowed to play....The guidance counselor thinks he should play so he has some kind of outlet.....I feel guilty all the time because out of my 4 children ...He gets fussed at the most....He is constantly in trouble......His other brothers and sisters ages 13 an 14....I knew when he was 3 years old something was different........It seemed like everything was too the exteme....We live in a small commmunity........There isn't any free aid here except at school and I question their methods......We don't have the money for a therapist....I have read sooooo many books....Most days now I try to make him see how hurtful he can be..He will behave the same way the next day ...but if he is calm enough to realize(sometimes I can't) he is hurting my feelings....He will stop...Thanks

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Hi, I have a 12 yr old daughter and a 14 yr old son, both have ADHD, my son is homed schooled, and I work part time, my daughter is on the verge on being kicked out of school permanently, shes in ISS nearly every other day. shes been suspended from school atleas 10 times since school started and its all because shes defiant, she wont stay quiet when shes put in ISS, she wont follow directions, wont listen. But shes also being picked on by 6-8 girls, they walk on the back of her shoes, throw things at her back, call he white trash, say she tried killing her horse, just horrible things. Her anger and frustration has really esculated and it doesnt take much. Ive threated to go to the school board because shes suppose to be in special ed, her test scores are high first grade to low 4th grade, she has a hard time in math, reading and writing, she gets all Fs and she has very low self esteem. shes in trouble all the time I think she has had maybe atleast 3-4 classes of special ed and thats it. Now shes suspended again for 6 days and the principal says they are taking it to the next level and put my daughter in some school for kids with behavior problems but still have to go to school. In her IEP meeting they wouldnt even address her ADHD, shes started taking her Concerta 36mg, does anyone know what recourse I have? she acts out because she feels anger at herself, she feels stupid, and she wishes she were smart like the kids in her class. They pick on her and make her cry, she comes home from school nearly every day in a horrible mood, mad and angry at everyone. she tells me what the kids have did to her at school and the school has done nothing. what can I do?? shes not learning anything at this school, they still give her 6th grade math, geometry , reading writing and she cant even do her times table!!! ANy one know any advocates for the disabled I can contact or a good attornery for the disabled or any suggestions? Im losing it here!

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I've had success with the time-out approaches in the book "One-Two-Three Magic," and also the software "Easy Child," which allows you to set up a customized behavior program with consequences and earned privileges. It's very high maintenance but worth the trouble. My son's teachers check off a daily behavior report that he must carry around to each class, and I input the results into the program every day, as well as his expected behaviors at home. In order to earn privileges for the next week (such as the use of Gameboy, watching cartoons on the weekend, listening to the radio in the car, etc.), he has to reach a certain point level. He loses points for negative behavior and earns points for expected behavior and bonus behavior, all of which is calculated by the software program. My 10-year old son actually likes this system because he knows what is expected of him. I also have read widely about behavior disorders such as oppositional defiant disorder and the suggested approaches for handling kids who display some or many of the symptoms. I have learned not to allow him to manipulate me into arguing with him or into displaying a big emotional reaction to his misbehavior, both of which provide him with power, entertainment, and stimulation. The behavioral approaches really do work if you stick to them consistently.

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I need help!! I have a ten year old year ADHD. She drives me crazy. She argues with me about everything. Constantly back talks to me. The old fashioned methods have not worked as far as punishment. I recently read a blog where a lady sent her child to their room and was allowed to come out after 20 minutes and them being able to tell what they had did to get sent to their room. This worked on my daughter once. the next time I told her to go to her room she told me that she was not going to her room untill I had told her what she has done. She ended up with 2 hours in her room. But it was a total stuggle. I am afraid of my daughter she has raised her hand to hit me before when she has got mad. She is aslo a child that over exagerates the truth. If I spank her she will scream that I have broken every bone in her body. No joking. I know that spanking does not work but I am fresh out of ideas. Does anyone have any suggestions. Lisa

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I feel your frustration.....I have it also ! I have a 12yr old son ( going on 20) who thinks he knows more than me.He argues with me, hates school, etc. I take it a day at a time with him, try not to sweat the small stuff, try to remember I love him and hopefully he will develop in to a good Godly, young man with my love and prayers.

I hate all the medications available for ADHD,it helps with concentration but he doesn't eat, gets angry and depressed, etc. he goes to counseling, I am not sure how effective it is. I often feel like school doesn't help him like he needs, ( I am a special ed teacher- I fight for other kids but mine goes to a different school.

This is a very difficult job, it is nice to hear other peoples stories and know you are not alone.

Sue

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marydel said: I need help. I have two children ages 4 and 5 and my daughter, the 5 year old, is possibly ADHD and nothing works for her with discipline. I feel like I am going crazy. We go places and she is wild and defient. She destroys things sometimes. Always tormenting her brother. Time outs do not work, taking things away does not, yelling of course does not work. I just do not know what to do. It just seems her behavior gets worse as the day goes on. I love her with all of my heart but I feel like I tell her No all the time, so then I feel bad and slack a bit. Which I know is a no no. So if anyone has any ideas or recommend books please tell me. My ears are open.

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My 10 yr old son argues all the time. His pshycologist told me because he is so impulsive when I argue back it feeds him and that is what he wants. She told me when he does that to just walk away and ignore him. So I did. He just stood there in shock. It was great. After a few times he realized that it wasn't going to work, so he has gotten better. I just have to remember not to argue back. I also do this when he ask something rudley or sassy. I pretend I didn't hear him. Boy he sure has more manners now that he knows that's the only time he gets a response.

A problem I have is constant Interrupting. Does anyone have any suggestions?

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Hi,

If you live in the Chicago area there is a wonderful place called Tuesday's Child. It teaches behavioral strategies to parents. It has changed the whole tone of our household. The essential thing is to praise your child for ordinary behavior (which is extraordinary for him/her). After doing this intensively, we moved on learning many tools: (1)creating an incentive plan for routine issues. Other writers gave great ideas re stickers, charts . . . my 6.5 year old responds well to a point system to earn a video (which he is enjoying right now). It helps to set this up during a calm period and tell them exactly what they need to do. (2) giving them things they can do instead of focusing on what they can't; (3) applying differential attention to whining, tantrums, goading; (4) antecedent planning to help them avoid the struggle in the first place: (5) and most importantly, finding ways to build the relationship. I think this is hard to learn from books or emails. There are therapists out there who know how to help with these plans & I'm sure any major city has something like this. We still have struggles, but after a year and 1/2, our relationship is so much more positive and when things explode, the adults in the house sit down and regroup. On the time-out side, those just don't really teach. When our son does something wrong, including hitting, we say, "we don't hit, what is it you're trying to say," and then we give him the script so that he learns how to handle these things. Not perfect I know, but we had days and days of time outs. What was that teaching?

Donna

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We have been foster parents for over 20 years and have lived with 50 - 60 "difficult" children. Our biological son has ADD and our 6 year old adopted son is VERY ADHD. The best thing I have ever found is the Love and Logic techniques. Not only does it recommend terrific ideas for consequences, it emphasizes how important it is to maintain the relationship while dealing with the behavior. Over this many years of living with challenging children I have developed a personal motto that states, "Anger damages relationships". Our 6 year old son, who was three when we first got him in foster-care, was full of rage. The least little thing would send him into a screaming tantrum, kicking, biting, headbutting - you name it. Today he is dramatically different - although still very impulsive and oppositional if he can get away with it. We still have our struggles, but nothing like what they used to be. I am such a strong supporter for Love and Logic that I am now trained, and teach classes in our community. I am also a firm believer that there is nothing more powerful with teenagers than the Love and Logic technique of Enforceable Statements. Basically this is a strategy of telling the child what YOU will do rather than telling THEM what to do (you can always control what you do. You can never control what your child does) Example: "I will be happy to take you to your soccer game once your room is cleaned". OK, so what if the kid doesn't clean his room - then he doesn't go to his soccer game. You are still doing what you said, which leaves you in control of the situation. Now what if instead you had yelled, "Get your room cleaned right now!" If your kid doesn't clean his room - now who is in control? Obviously he is. He is not following through on your request. Another example? "I allow kids who wear their helmets to ride their bike". So what happens if you see your daughter without her helmet? Simple! No bike privileges for a day or two. It sounds simple, takes lots of practice and is AMAZINGLY effective. Is it making sense? Go to the Love and Logic site online. They have terrific resources.

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I just wanted to add in a comment for parents who are having difficulty setting limits, especially those they think are harsh. As I'm sure everyone can tell from the posts here, each ADD/ADHD kid is different and responds differently to behavior interventions. My now 15yo son is ADHD, highly impusive, very argumentative and never really cared much for any consequence he was given. Consequently, we fought, argued, etc etc. As he's gotten older, I can explain things to him better and last year since he went through puberty, his hyperactivity, the running all over creation part of it, is almost gone completely to the point that he's not on meds anymore. However, at 13 we had a REALLY rocky year. First I had to hospitalize him for a week because he was severely depressed. Then he was arrested, & spent a month in the juvenile facility before his trial. I don't tell anyone this to scare you because so far, it's a happy ending. My rules were in place his whole life and while I don't claim to be 100% consistent, he always knoew the rules and knew he would be held accountable for breaking them. He still does. However he still chooses to test the limits and I truly believe, with him as my example, that sometimes you can do all the right things and your kids will do their own thing anyway. And the hardest thing about that is to let them and to follow through with what happens, i.e. police/courts if necessary. I work in law enforcement and I can't tell you how many kids like ours whose parents let them run wild, or did all the right things but when the police came wouldn't follow through. That sends as big a signal to a kid as any other. Just stand strong and do the hard stuff when you have to. My son was so mad at me when I turned him into his probation officer and he ended up going to the juvenile facility. But a month later, he was a new kid. And he didn't hate me so much after a week. He finally reliazed that he was going to be held accountable for his own actions, no matter what. We still have our issues, but he does not cross or test lines like he used to. He knows now that I will turn him in! That may sound harsh, but honestly the alternative for an out of control kid who grows into an out of control adult is much worse. Juvenile records go away. And of course, they always have to know how much you love them. When my son or daughter tell me I don't care I remind them that if I didn't care I would let them do whatever they want. If you made it down this far, thanks! Hope it helps.

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I agree what rebounder says. I have two boys, 9.5 and 11. The older is the worse and he argues over everything you can imagine, and he has an answer for everything. A new thing for him has been that he refuses to obey any request from me so he would never get into a chair!!! And, I agree that physically restraining them will lead to further aggression from the kid. So....I've learned to give him the cold treatement, per se, while taking away his priviliges for a specific amount of time. Priviliges are considered anything beyond eating meals and going to school. He gets the point and usually complies after yelling for about 10 minutes. We are always in some kind of discored here. I hate it. dee Quote:

rebounder said: Caution: If your child has severe behavior problems related to ADHD or ADHD/ODD time out can lead to your child becoming physically aggressive. What do you do when the child refuses to go to the chair or other time out area, or refuses to stay. Dr Phelan said to gently escort him to time out and ended the sentence and discussion there. Once you get physical with the child the resistance from them becomes physical. Once this becomes routine the next level of resistance is a struggle to get free of your grasp and control. This eventually becomes a wrestling match as someone will advise you that you can't let the child win . Next step in the progression of how to create a violent child is your attempts or successful effort to restrain him. Time out is usually not effective with kids whose behavioral symptoms are severe. They can go in and out of time out all day. The process is just another source of stimulation and their control over your behavior.They cause you to start the process knowing exactly what will occur. It seems not to be something that they want to avoid which is the purpose of it. It just might be the most excitement that they have had all day.Timeouts go on for years when you start around age four. If your child is not cooperating with you then you have not provided him with a reason to be when arguing and defiance are more fun. There is not an effective behavioral treatment that many know of for severe behavior problems. A good therapist should be able to teach you the practice of extinction and contingency management, the only two tools that you need to structure the home environment. It is not rocket science. You can create an environment that will manage the child's behavior for you and enable you to teach your child to behave in a civilized manner without gadgets like tokens, stars, charts, etc, and any type of physical intervention.such as time outs and physical rstraints. The process begins with your child rearing practices. Those that are typically practiced don't get the job done. Your ADHD child doesn't respond the way children typically do who don't have the disorder. Once you learn a method for making the inappropriate behavior useless for them as a means of obtaining things that they wanr they are receptive to trying it your away as a means of avoiding further causing themselves deprivation of the things that they want, and believe that they are entitled to. The practice of non-traditional parenting will free you from the cultural captivity that determines how you should raise your child, and employing the principles of Applied Behavioral Analysis (a branch of behavioral psychology ) will provide you the behavioral technology that will enable you to design a plan that teaches your child socially appropriate behavior. The child doesn't care. He goes with the flow. He wants to avoid deprivation. He wants access to all those good things that he is used to having. He behaves the way he does because he has , most likely inadvertently, been responding symptomatically to events in his environment, such as impulsively and drtiven to seek sources of stimulation that occur at higher levels than kids without the disorder, among other things. Typically as a parent you have tried reason and rational explanations for what you want from him. You have wasted your breath. Your child is learning experientially. When something occurs he judges the consequences for him to be good, bad or somewhere in between and thus may or may not want to engage in the behavior responsible for those consequences again. Parenting a child with ADHD requires that you provide consequences that steer his decision making in the direction that you want it to go. Lectures wont get the job done nor will positive parenting in terms of saying, "good job junior. " He wants to see the money. It may come as a shock to your 5, 6 or 7 year-old when he is told that he owns nothing. That everything in the house is yours and he can have access to it when you want to provide it. Yes, that includes Playstation, computers, tv and everything else other than the best care that you can give him and all the unconditional love from you that he can tolerate. There's plenty of time to tell him how proud of him that you are and how much that you love him when the home is not in a constant state of chaos. That's your responsibility as an adult parent and decision maker. The home is not a center for teaching democracy to children. It's a place where they are taught what it takes to be successful and experience the enjoyment of all that self esteem they acquire. But they have to show you the money. Nothing is free. You want things from him just as he wants things from you and you emphasize the fairness of any agreement that you might make. Once the child agrees to a rule as being fair there is nothing to argue about if it is violated. Nothing to discuss. Here is a rule that a parent of an ADHD child should establish at second grade, "Nothing occurs in this house until homework is completed to my satisfaction." The first day home from school in second grade straight to the diningroom table and start homework. It becomes a way of life that many parents who endured about 10 torturous years of homework problems wish they might have had going for them. Now there are those who will say, "A child needs a break from school work after doing it all day" Well that individual isn't aware of ADHD children and transition problems. Especilly transitions from something that they enjoy to something that they don't. All the electronic toys can be plugged into one outlet if defiantly turning them on when told not to occurs. Unbeknown to the child the power can be controlled at the fuse or breaker box. What kind of behavior is a child usually timed out for? If you are a non-traditional parenting parent you might just want to ignore it, or you might have agreed that when it occurs junior will have deprived himself of something that he would really like to have had because when it occurs you don't provide access to that item. You may not feel like taking him to soccer practice. Oh my God! Some helpful person will tell you, "ADHD kids need exercise or they go wild, and don't give them any sugar it makes them crazier than they already are. Rebounder

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I feel bad for your 12 year old daughter who is being bulllied. You do have recourses available to you. Bullying is now against the law in most states. Notify your school board of this. ADHD is a condition that must be dealth with by the school. They cannot 'refuse' to discuss it. She is entitlted to an IEP where you have rights to input whatever you feel is necessary. Complain to your school authories and tell them you will not permit these things to continue. Act on it once you say this. Good Luck, Dee

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mykidsmom: I feel for you...as I do for all of us. Some kids are just more difficult as every illness/disability affect everyone somewhat differently. Yes. I too would like it to all go away, and I've thought how nice it would be to be in a bed, getting waited on, quiet room, no yelling, no arguing, etc. Just watch TV, eat, drink, more TV, etc. Well, we can get out of that dream. I dont know what life holds for anyone. I do hope and pray that as our kids mature things will get better and our home life will eventually be whatever "normal" is supposed to be. Hang in there.......we don't have much choice now.

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The behaviors described are not typical of chilodren with uncomplicated ADHD. Professional advise is essential - especially for the younger kid, or there will be more problems later on.

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Although our son (8 yrs old) does not have extreme behavioral issues with his ADHD, we used to have fairly frequent "blow ups" - once or twice a month (not daily). We've found over time that this usually happens when he is: tired, over-excited, anticipating an "event" - even a school event that he is excited about can get him worked up, especially if he has to wait for it for several weeks - or our regular schedule is disturbed. We've found he needs a little more sleep than other kids his age and whenever we let him stay up late for a night or two, we usually pay the price with behaviour issues. We are extra careful around holidays or special events like family visiting, to keep his sleep schedule regular and make sure he's eating well - also we don't try to cram too many special things (movies, sleepover, party...etc.) into one weekend. We have seen a huge improvement - now we only have blow-ups about every 3 months or less!

I have kind of altered "Time-outs" for these blow ups when they do happen because time-out as a "punishment" really doesn't work for him. However, when he is really worked up and ranting and raving I have to get him settled down and in an environment where he can try to settle himself. I've found that he does need time alone although he doesn't like it, so I usually leave the door open or let him choose. I wait until he is well calmed down to even try to discuss whatever set him off. I usully suggest he get out our pet guinea pig or try to read a book or something. I try to talk to him about learning to settle himself down - then later we discuss the issue and often end up agreeing to disagree, but I do at least try to get him to see that his behaviour was out of proportion to the "cause".

Our son does also tend to be argumentive, and like others we just try put a quick stop to it, if we feel he is just arguing to argue we just tell him not to argue with us and that he doesn't get a choice in everything... he's gotten better about it.

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I read the notes here about forcing kids into time out, etc. and think that they don't take into account the issues that kids with ADHD have to face. I'm pretty much out the other end of child rearing and thought I would share the three critical (and very SIMPLE) ideas that helped us as a family with ADD:

FIRST: Stick to this very simple rule: Tantrums don't work. Every time your child comes to you in whiny fashion, or throwing a tantrum, calmly say "Tantrums don't work. When you are finished with your tantrum please come back and find me because I'll be very interested in what you have to say." Be very consistent with this and you will soon find that your kids learn that "talking" with mom or dad is much more productive than throwing a tantrum. It also reinforces a skill that many kids with ADD need to learn - self control, but in a very ADD-humane way. You aren't requiring that the kids sit still in a chair (torture for a kids with ADHD) nor are you punishing them. You are simply refusing to engage with a person who is throwing a tantrum.

SECOND: Respect your child's opinion (unless it is given during a tantrum, in which case see #1!) By listening to what they have to say and asking questions to deepen the conversation you do the following: illustrate how much you love them; show them that their opinion counts; teach them communication and social skills; make your home a "safe" place for them, no matter what happens at school and outside the home.

THIRD: Create a reasonable, and very consistent schedule around critical tasks the child needs to perform or can enjoy. These include sleep (very, very important), homework, family dinners (the number one predictors of success in school according to research) and naps. To this we also added reading time every night before bed (alternating who picked out the story). The kids knew they could look forward to this time to cuddle and read (and didn't really give it up until their early teens). All kids thrive when there is an element of predictability in their lives, but kids with ADD are particularly in need of the organization and predictability of a good, healthy schedule.

That's it. Keep these things in mind and I predict you'll find that your family life actually goes pretty smoothly!

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I agree that we should not tolerate or negotiate with a child throwing a tantrum. However, we found the "time-out chair" to be the only way to calm our 6 year old son down. Our son becomes very violent and extremely aggressive both physically and verbally and in the beggining had to sometimes be 2 adults to restrain him and avoid him either injuring us or even him. We have been using this technique for almost 2 years now and he now knows that if he does not calm down, we add more time on the time out chair. As a matter of fact, we start counting only once the aggressive behavior has stopped. It was hell in the beggining but the tantrums and aggressivity have now decreased in frequency and intensity. Our son now understand that this chair is the place to calm down. THat the time-out is a non-negotiable time that can only be lenghtened in time. It may seem a bit harsh for those parents that have kids with mild AD/DH but we have see some progress for our son (severe AD/DH and oppositional defiant disorder). By the way, the "time-out Chair" applies for all kids in the family, AD/HD or not (funny note: my son saw our "time out chair" at IKEA and said :" oh my god they have the time-out chairs for other kids too?"

I thought I could share a few tips with other parent sout there who are completely discouraged out there: 1. Get help! Managing an AD/HD child is completely draining. THe more tired you are, the less successful you will be in being consistent with the discipline. Look for ressources in the community: child psycholgists, psychoeducators, social workers, children's hospital etc. We have been through many teams and finally found the good one with a psychoeducator that our son loves. THrough them, we were offered respite weekends which were truly a blessing. 2. Accepting that you need help has nothing to do with your parenting skills. As a matter a fact, it is the opposite, you are actively looking for solutions to help your child and your family. 3. Be consistent: the rules and consequences should be the same all the time 4. Follow-through: if you said that you would add 10 minutes on the timeout chair, do it! If you said that there would be no computer game that night, make sure it happens. Never watching TV ever again is not a good one... 5. AD/HD need to be reminded of the rules constantly. Make a simple list, with pictograms if your child is too young to read, print and plastify. Our list has been on the kitchen wall for the last year. 6. Keep track of the good behaviors and reward. My husband had the fantastic idea to paint an entire kitchen wall with chalkboard paint. THis wall has been the nervous system of our house for the last year. Every day of the week has a box. Each day is broken down in 3 parts (mornings, school, and evening). If rules are respected and the behavior is respected, they get a happy face. For us, 3 happy faces in the week yields a reward (chosing the movie, going to the park, chosing the cereal for the week etc. Small things. But make sure that you explain the rules to your kids. We usually have a family meeting when we try new things. 7. Do not expect your child to have perfect weeks. Do not forget that this is not easy for your child to do. So encourage your child for the good days and acknowledge the efforts 8. You are not perfect either and should not strive to be either. You will at times completely lose it. You are not a bad parent because of that. But recognize that you have lost your temper in front of your child. Sometimes, I need the time out more then they do...

Our son is now 6 years old, in school, doing well academically, not so well behavior wise but there has been a lot of progress in the last 2 years. Medication has helped and we are still fine tuning the combination that would work best for him. My son's teacher has been wonderful, she thought of teaching yoga to ALL the kids in the class when they come back from recess. Apparently, it has helped him quite a bit at school. So hang in there and be creative. You are not alone!

A positive mom.

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We are just in the beginning stages of having our 4.5 yr old son diagnosed (adhd). He was always labeled as "over active" and just a "normal" boy. But these were comments coming from people, mainly family members, that did not understand the hardships that we went through with him since he was A BABY.

Anyways, this thread really opened up my eyes and gave me some serious comfort that my son is not alone in his behavior and that my husband and myself are not alone.

We have our first dr's appointment March 11th. After trying everything else, we need to have other options.

Anyways, thanks for all of the great information. We are going to get informed and try many of the things that were suggest here...

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We have an 8 year old boy, who was having problems in school. We went to the Family Advocate Program, here in Boise and started visiting with a parent educator, who invited us to attend a Love and Logic class (www.loveandlogic.com). It was the best thing we have done for our family. We quickly began spending all of our drive time with Jim Fay immersed in the concepts that Love and Logic teach. When I began to wonder if this could really work for kids like mine, I listened to "Calming the Chaos". What an amazing audio cd! Not only did in reinforce the need to nuetralize arguements, it taught me that "anger and frustration lead to misbehavior" and that kids like mine learn best in 4 situations. 1 - New and interesting. 2 - Scary and intimidating, 3 - One on One, 4 - Highly stimulating. I keep stickies all over my house and car with things like "no anger, lectures, threats or warnings" or "brain dead" or just "Uh Oh". Take a minute to go to their website and click on articles. It truly helped us.

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