Hi Kristin,

You are in a tough situation but at least you are able to make medical decisions without his consent. I am not in a split household situation but my husband initially had a problem with my son having ADHD and needing medication.

What is his biggest area of concern? He doesn't believe in the validity of ADHD or he doesn't like the fact that your son is on medication? Perhaps you could print out some short articles or fact sheets (www.chadd.org should have some helpful printouts) that would cover those areas of concern. By any chance, do you know an adult that he respects who is ADHD and takes medication? There are lawyers, psychologists and doctors who are ADHD and take medication for it. There are also some famous athletes who are on medication for their ADHD.

In addition, since ADHD is highly genetic, if he sees his son as being the way he was when he was a child, he may realize that to accept his child having ADHD would mean he would have to consider the possibility that he has it also. And he doesn't want to think there is anything "wrong" with himself. Of course, if doesn't share any of the symptoms with his son, then that may not be a problem.

Good luck, Elaine

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Thanks for the response back. I am the one that my son got the ADHD from. It runs like wild fire threw my family. The problem is not making him understand about it. He will ready books (or say he did)and read other things that i give him. He just has not dealt with the fact that his son has a issue. My current husband and i go to parent support groups and have worked with doctor's of all types about this. My ex if he comes just slams me during it or just writes them off as full of crap and that they really do not know his son. We have tried involving him with things and he makes every thing worse. We are trying just not talking to him about it unless he ask and that has been easier on me but harder on my son. Because now my ex just sends "hate" mail to the doctor's telling them every problem that his son has and that it is my fault because i have control over the meds. Any tips any one has please let me know. It has been so hard dealing with all the ADHD normal stuff then with a crazy ex who is in denial

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How often does your son see his bio-dad? My son sees his very ADHD father every other Saturday. I try to limit visits and do what I can but there are just some things out of my control.

It sounds like your ex writing the doctor is probably one of those things you can't control and hopefully the doctor is smart enough to disregard the rantings of someone who just doesn't understand. See if you can get the doctor to ignore his letters and then try not to let your ex bother you. I know it's hard, but he's already in denial and forcing him to accept that his son needs help isn't going to work very well. Since he is in denial anyway, he probably knows this is a hot button issue for you. Don't give him that kind of power over you - you're in control of your son's medical situation and he can just live in his fantasy land.

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Same situation here...doctors, teachers, counselor all say ADHD is there and bio-father refuses to see the issues. We had an appt with a nationally reknowned ADHD specialist who happens to be in our area, very hard to get into, and he just decided that he was done with it and cancelled our appt. Our problem is that we have 50/50 decision making. I want to see what the dr. has to say and what his recommendations are, so I re-scheduled the appointment. My son is falling behind in school and its only the first grade! I'm not willing to wait the 2-3 years to see if he will grow out of it like bio-dad wants. Does anyone know how hard it is to get a modification to a parenting plan so that I can get sole decision making for medical and educational purposes?

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My son is also in the first grade. He is also stumbling in school. However, i will touch on this to have bio-dad on your side is so much easer then against you. When we do work together things go okay. But seeing eye to eye is hard. I would say go see the doctor by your self with your son. Tell him about it but let him know that he dose not need to be there. That you want to see him and get another option. Play into his hands and get more people view on the mater. All you are doing is building up people that confirm his ADHD. Like someone said before to me about this. Is he the one who has ADHD and your son got it from him? It is really hard to deal with the fact that you pasted this on. If can go to parent support group. We belong to one and it has helped so much. He needs to talk about it before he can deal with it. It is like grieving. Talking is accepting and is good.

Also probably like in my divorce feelings were hurt and trust is gone. No mater what you say he will not believe you or hear you. My son's doctor told me that after he told me that his ex is the same way. The best thing that i found is get allies and get things in writing. If you want him on meds and he says no get it in writing. Every time. If you want to start a program or a treatment and he says no get him to put it in writing. This way when you do go back to court you have tried to get help. Something i would try is get him to put in writing a agreement or game plan for the next few months or year. Like what he wants to try first, second, third and outcomes or objectives. My ex kept telling me that the meds made our son a zombie. Well after hashing it out we realized that in his mind he was because for the first time Eli was not climbing the walls. He was sitting down and doing things. As he was talk i realized that nothing he said was bad just not our son. Our expectations were very different of what the goals were for meds. Now i have him fill out this 4 question thing about they behaviors that i worry about and side effects. I get the information needed and he feels like his view matters. Like most men they want to be involved and heard but do not know how to communicate. They just want it fixed. This is not a fix it issue.

Back to the game plan. A good place to start is with school. Talk and write down the issues he is having. Meet with teacher and make some plans with a change deadline. Then make a plan for if change does not happen. Like start meds or see doctor. Give him the time he wants and needs. But at the same time give him a dead line for the change. I would also see a behavior therapist or family therapist. They will help with this kind of plan and setting goals for change. Like i said before make allies and a paper trail. The more you keep trying the stupider he is going to look when it bites him in the butt. Also when finding someone look for someone who lives with ADHD not just reads about it. This could be family member or something. But they use real life in practice. Anther things is that they also works with spit households. Go to some parent ADHD meetings and find ones that have worked with other parents.

I know that i have just thrown a lot at you. I am sorry. I know that co-parenting sucks and is even worse when ADHD is in the mix. The things that some kids can do okay without ADHD kids need. It is really hard to do this all on your own also. If you ever need to vent or want some advice or both please e-mail me. I am not you so i will not say i know how you feel. Because i do not. however i have learned some tricks with my ex that i am willing to share.

lastly, were are you live? Because i have learned somethings in the courts around here that could help if need. The best motto is cover your butt. Keep everything and make him put it in writing. I have resorted to communicating only threw e-mail and text messenger now. It has been very helpful when he said she said stuff has comes up I do so much threw Google calendar and g-mail. That way i can add things to that and we are both using the same calendar. It is up to him to check it and keep up with things. I send all his mail threw g-mail. This is also because it keeps all chat logs and i can search them for things after. I can't even count how many times i have search things for his response to give back to him. I am getting sleepy so i know that i am just going off. I hope some of this has helped or gave you some ideas. I can not stress enough get things in writing. I made that mistake. I feel so paranoid now but it is better to have to much and never need it. then to need it and not have it. It is like the allies thing. It is good to have lots of people on your team and most of all when they are professionals anytime in your live.

You can not fix the past or change what has happened. So "Keep moving Forward!"

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