I would have him read reports on the issues from actual doctors. If that dont work if you or your daughter go to therpy have him come along.

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My husband has finally realized after four years that our son can't cope on his own. He did have to go to counseling with us to understand that it's not just an act. Its just getting the others in our family to learn that there is a problem.

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let me know if you succeed with your family. my family(except for hand full)defently dont understand. i have given them brochues on this and for get it and they have seen the difference when he is on meds and off. it is so hard, but i dont give up.

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for 8 years my family life has been in alot of turmoil. my son was diagnosed at the age of 2& placed on meds. (Either him or me!)My husband has been in denial since I tried telling him something was wrong with my newborn.For years, he"ll say that our son would "come around". I'm still waiting & praying so I try every day to take it slow. My way of handling it- I returned to school to learn child development and whenever I have time,( not much)I read & talk to anyone who will hear me. My husband still believes he'll come around but he finally admits something is different (and doesn't like to talk about it)but he encourages me to continue my quest for the sake of our family.

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I am in the same boat. This is a repeat marriage for me and my hubby doesn't "get it". I am an ADD mom trying to raise an ADHD 8yo son, an ADHD 11 yo Daughter, and an ADD 15 yo Son. He thinks we're just lazy ro using him or whatever. Doesn't understand the chaos that can occur in an ADD household; doesn't understand why the kids have trouble getting up in the morning, trouble concentrating on homework, doesn't understand why they play when he simply tells them "go clean your room". Doesn't understand that they have to have more specific direction than that and that they can't focus their attention for a long time. This degenerates into him yelling and screaming at them, accusations about being "used", about being treated like a "n*er (I won't use the word), how we're destroying his house (he owned the house before we married), etc, etc.. I could go on and on. It's gotten to the point that I'm considering divorce. I don't know what to do anymore either.

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I am so very sorry that you are all having troubles with your families and especially spouses not understanding about AD/HD. I have spent many years trying to educate my family about the symptoms etc. of AD/HD. I have a son (will be 10 next month) who has been on Ritalin since kindergarten. Even though my family accepted the fact that he needed the medication, they would still get very frustrated by his actions (esp. off meds). They are finally (after 4+ years)coming around to see that we are doing everything possible to help my son, and are not "bad parents" who don't "discipline" their child. It doesn't help that my husband's brother has a son 2 years younger than my son who is not AD/HD or ADD, and obviously acts like a "normal" boy. They are always comparing the two - it drives me crazy GRRRRRRRRRR! What does help, though, is that my husband himself is AD/HD and was on meds. growing up - thanks mostly in part to his mother (who has been a lot of support to us all along). Even though my husband is AD/HD himself, he no longer needs to take meds, he still gets very frustrated with our son. I, too, get so frustrated sometimes, I just want to SCREAM!!! I am a teacher, and have learned a lot from all my research, plus first hand experience how to tolerate these children. They are so creative, and so very much need us. I am constantly researching, reading, and educating myself on the trials and tribulations of bringing up a child with AD/HD. I have to continually tell myself that I have been blessed with a child that is not a "cookie-cutter" child. He is different, and we must capitalize on this, and let them know how very special they are, and how much of a contribution to society they can make, even though they don't quite see it that way, they have us to constantly remind them. I believe there was a reason I bore this child with these special traits. What I am trying to say, is that you all must keep up advocating for your child no matter what obstacles lay ahead.

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that is so true. i am so glad that i read that today. thank you so much for that advice.

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I understand that completely about people thinking i am using my ADD as a crutch, and yet he doesn't understand anything and doesn't want to. I lost my job monday because of it, ADD combined with a learning disablity is a disaster in the making. it is so damm frustrating.

Anna Alvarado

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My daughter & I were both diagnosed W/ ADHD 10 years ago. She was 9 Yrs. and I was 35 yrs old. I still haven't gotten my husband to understand! I have tried everything under the sun. Now, 6Mo. ago he filed for divorce after 22 years of marriage. I had not given up on him, but my daughter (now 18) says; "he gave up on us!" "and we are better off for it". I have found alot of good articles out there that should get most spouses to understand, so don't give up! but don't let him ridicule you or berate you because of it. I did, and now I'm just trying to find that self-esteem ladder so I can start my climb back up it again. Take Care! Dawn

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I agree that you must do what is best for you and your children. As the spouse of and adult ADHDer and the mom of a 9yr old ADHD daughter I can offer the other side. I do get frustrated and sad and we do have marital issues realated to their ADHD but never have I thought they were making it up. If they needed glasses and lost them I wouldn't get mad if they couldn't read. The missing chemicals in the brain are like lost glasses and I do have to remind myself of that when I get frustrated. My husbands family does not beleive in ADHD either and they also compare his brother's non-ADHD children to ours. To which I reply you can't compare children they are individuals just like you and I. I can't compare you (mother-in-law) to (insert a female she admires) we would all fall flat if I made that comparison. So since I don't try and compare you please don't compare our children. It usually shuts her up but doesn't get me any points. The bottom line is you are your own and your child's best advocate. Do what is best for you even if that choice might be counciling without your spouse. Best of luck and I'm sorry they can't open their minds to the joys ADHDer bring and midigate the frustration.

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Hello.

I am new to this forum, but I was diagnosed twice, 3 years ago, with ADD. I am 43 and married, with 4 girls.

I also have a problem with my spouse, but it is not because she doesn't believe in my ADD. She totally agrees that I do have it, even if I went to a third doctor who totally dismissed the previous 2 diagnoses.

The problem is that she doesn't help me. She says she 'gets tired of remembering everything.' She does write things on the calendar, but she just expects me to remember to look at it.

I have tried medications(wellbutrin, ritalin, adderall, ritalin LA and adderall xr), but have yet to find one that works. I tried the first two meds without her knowledge. For good reason, too, because when I confronted her about it and told her I wanted to try another one, she said she didn't like me 'messing with my brain'! Do you believe that?? It's my brain! I can mess with it all I want!

It has really been hard on us. She takes offense that I cannot focus long enough to help with housework, or yardwork, or anything, but she doesn't say anything. This is because I instinctively get defensive every time we try to talk about it, or us, or anything else. Even if it's about someone else, I find myself defending the thirds party. What's up with that??

So, needless to say, our married life is more like the lives of room mates. We haven't even had sex for a year. A year!!

On top of everything else, she doesn't even drive!

I went as far as to write a detailed note explaining everything I can't seem to tell her in person, and I was going to leave it for her when I went on a recent business trip, but I couldn't get myself to give it to her.

OK, enough ranting. I need help. There are very few ADD specialists in my area. Also I need to find meds that work. I know meds aren't always enough, but I need something to help me focus enough to help myself. You know what I mean? Does anyone have an idea of what meds might do for me what ritalin or adderall won't?

Thanks,

Bear

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Hello Bear, I know you said that there are few ADD specialists in your area but it would really help if you could find someone who is knowledgeable. Although my son could get his medicine from his pediatrician we travel an hour to see another doctor who is extremely knowledgeable regarding ADHD. (He was able to help my husband tremendously when no one else could--both with his ADHD and another disorder that went undetected). He has said (and I have heard this elsewhere) that there are quite a few people who are undertreated for ADHD. That is, their medication dosage is too low. The dosage is based on elimination of symptoms, generally not weight. My husband takes 60mg of Adderall XR and my son takes 72 mg. of Concerta (and occasional use of Focalin). Before you try a different medication, have you had a sufficient dosage? Some doctors who aren't as knowledgeable about ADD are not always up on the latest information regarding ADD. If none of the usual stimulants work for you, there is Strattera which although it doesn't work for everyone, there are some who do better on it. It takes several weeks before the effects are noticed though, unlike the stimulants. I'm sorry that your wife is not more understanding. Would she be willing to read a book about it. One I would recommend is "Adult ADD--A Reader Friendly Guide to Understanding ADD" by Michele Novitini, Ph.D. and Thomas A. Whiteman. A lot of times you can find these books in the library although they may not always have the most recent and updated editions. They have done PET and SPECT scan images of brain activity, including the brain of someone with and without ADHD medication. The pictures show more activity in the brain areas used in concentration when the individual is on medication. You may be able to see some of them at the website www.amenclinic.com. The author Daniel Amen, who runs this website, does a lot of work with SPECT scans of the brain. He also has a book out on ADHD. Good luck, Elaine

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Thanks.

It's not that she doesn't understand ADD. She understands it very well, and agrees that I am an ADD'er. But if she loves me, why doesn't she help me, or want me to seek help?

Bear

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Bear, it sounds to me like the two of you need to go to counseling because you are having problems communicating.

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Oh, I've suggested that, too. She says it's me that needs the counseling, not her.

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Bear, Have you tried to go to counciling without her? Maybe it would help.

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Yes, I have. For ADD related reasons, just to get meds. I can't afford to have regular weekly sessions with a shrink. Besides, in all honesty, I don't think they would tell me anything I didn't already know about myself.

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Criticism of ADD as a condition may arise from denial rather than trenchant opposition. An nonsupporting spouse can change behavior over time. It is better to focus on management of ADD, and to prevent it from affecting a child's learning, rather than to confront opposition in the home on whether ADD is real. Some people like to think aloud, so I would advise patience in listening carefully, without interruption, to everything a difficult spouse has to say, and reflecting on it as well. Such considered behavior will have an effect of induction as well.

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Your husband might benefit from reading "Delivered from Distraction" by Ned Hallowell. Hallowell talks specifically about the destructive nature of the "moral diagnosis" (i.e. you're just lazy)and gives a full picture of ADHD, but in a very positive way (ADHD is a gift waiting to be unwrapped). Suggest that he is reading the book so he can better support your daughter and help her thrive (more palatable, perhaps, than to support you). As another resource, Dr. Hallowell and I write a blog specifically on the topic of ADHD and marriage that can be found at www.adhdmarriage.com.

Bottom line for me - your husband owes you the respect to take your request to open his mind and learn more, seriously. If, after he is well-informed, he still thinks ADD is bunk, then you probably want to try marital counselling (choose someone who knows about ADD). His attitude about something this basic to your being will eventually sour your marriage.

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Does your wife know the positive qualities of ADD, does she see when you can handle multiple situations at a time? How about your intuitiveness? your sudden bursts of energy fixing things around the house when everyone else is tired. There are very postives parts with ADD. Like ALL humans we have our good qualities and not so good qualities. I wish I was perfect and as much as I'd like to think I am, I'm not and people are just gonna have to accept who I am

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My wife has no add. We have developed into a great team thru the process of LETTING add education and awareness help our relationship. In my 30's I was diagnosed if you havent read about me somewhere yet. Almost 40. Like anyone with or without add, you gotta work for anything worth while. You can do it TOGETHER. But let TIME and patience work with you guys. Ask your spouse to go see a counselor WITH you. Psychologist MD or PHD who is knowledgeablw in ADD. Tell him or her it is important to you for the both of you and your family to do this.

Kindest regards, Paul ps I did. You can too.

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