Hello.

I am new to this forum, but I was diagnosed twice, 3 years ago, with ADD. I am 43 and married, with 4 girls.

I also have a problem with my spouse, but it is not because she doesn't believe in my ADD. She totally agrees that I do have it, even if I went to a third doctor who totally dismissed the previous 2 diagnoses.

The problem is that she doesn't help me. She says she 'gets tired of remembering everything.' She does write things on the calendar, but she just expects me to remember to look at it.

I have tried medications(wellbutrin, ritalin, adderall, ritalin LA and adderall xr), but have yet to find one that works. I tried the first two meds without her knowledge. For good reason, too, because when I confronted her about it and told her I wanted to try another one, she said she didn't like me 'messing with my brain'! Do you believe that?? It's my brain! I can mess with it all I want!

It has really been hard on us. She takes offense that I cannot focus long enough to help with housework, or yardwork, or anything, but she doesn't say anything. This is because I instinctively get defensive every time we try to talk about it, or us, or anything else. Even if it's about someone else, I find myself defending the thirds party. What's up with that??

So, needless to say, our married life is more like the lives of room mates. We haven't even had sex for a year. A year!!

On top of everything else, she doesn't even drive!

I went as far as to write a detailed note explaining everything I can't seem to tell her in person, and I was going to leave it for her when I went on a recent business trip, but I couldn't get myself to give it to her.

OK, enough ranting. I need help. There are very few ADD specialists in my area. Also I need to find meds that work. I know meds aren't always enough, but I need something to help me focus enough to help myself. You know what I mean? Does anyone have an idea of what meds might do for me what ritalin or adderall won't?

Thanks,

Bear

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Hello Bear, I know you said that there are few ADD specialists in your area but it would really help if you could find someone who is knowledgeable. Although my son could get his medicine from his pediatrician we travel an hour to see another doctor who is extremely knowledgeable regarding ADHD. (He was able to help my husband tremendously when no one else could--both with his ADHD and another disorder that went undetected). He has said (and I have heard this elsewhere) that there are quite a few people who are undertreated for ADHD. That is, their medication dosage is too low. The dosage is based on elimination of symptoms, generally not weight. My husband takes 60mg of Adderall XR and my son takes 72 mg. of Concerta (and occasional use of Focalin). Before you try a different medication, have you had a sufficient dosage? Some doctors who aren't as knowledgeable about ADD are not always up on the latest information regarding ADD. If none of the usual stimulants work for you, there is Strattera which although it doesn't work for everyone, there are some who do better on it. It takes several weeks before the effects are noticed though, unlike the stimulants. I'm sorry that your wife is not more understanding. Would she be willing to read a book about it. One I would recommend is "Adult ADD--A Reader Friendly Guide to Understanding ADD" by Michele Novitini, Ph.D. and Thomas A. Whiteman. A lot of times you can find these books in the library although they may not always have the most recent and updated editions. They have done PET and SPECT scan images of brain activity, including the brain of someone with and without ADHD medication. The pictures show more activity in the brain areas used in concentration when the individual is on medication. You may be able to see some of them at the website www.amenclinic.com. The author Daniel Amen, who runs this website, does a lot of work with SPECT scans of the brain. He also has a book out on ADHD. Good luck, Elaine

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Thanks.

It's not that she doesn't understand ADD. She understands it very well, and agrees that I am an ADD'er. But if she loves me, why doesn't she help me, or want me to seek help?

Bear

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Bear, it sounds to me like the two of you need to go to counseling because you are having problems communicating.

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Oh, I've suggested that, too. She says it's me that needs the counseling, not her.

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Bear, Have you tried to go to counciling without her? Maybe it would help.

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Yes, I have. For ADD related reasons, just to get meds. I can't afford to have regular weekly sessions with a shrink. Besides, in all honesty, I don't think they would tell me anything I didn't already know about myself.

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Criticism of ADD as a condition may arise from denial rather than trenchant opposition. An nonsupporting spouse can change behavior over time. It is better to focus on management of ADD, and to prevent it from affecting a child's learning, rather than to confront opposition in the home on whether ADD is real. Some people like to think aloud, so I would advise patience in listening carefully, without interruption, to everything a difficult spouse has to say, and reflecting on it as well. Such considered behavior will have an effect of induction as well.

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Your husband might benefit from reading "Delivered from Distraction" by Ned Hallowell. Hallowell talks specifically about the destructive nature of the "moral diagnosis" (i.e. you're just lazy)and gives a full picture of ADHD, but in a very positive way (ADHD is a gift waiting to be unwrapped). Suggest that he is reading the book so he can better support your daughter and help her thrive (more palatable, perhaps, than to support you). As another resource, Dr. Hallowell and I write a blog specifically on the topic of ADHD and marriage that can be found at www.adhdmarriage.com.

Bottom line for me - your husband owes you the respect to take your request to open his mind and learn more, seriously. If, after he is well-informed, he still thinks ADD is bunk, then you probably want to try marital counselling (choose someone who knows about ADD). His attitude about something this basic to your being will eventually sour your marriage.

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Does your wife know the positive qualities of ADD, does she see when you can handle multiple situations at a time? How about your intuitiveness? your sudden bursts of energy fixing things around the house when everyone else is tired. There are very postives parts with ADD. Like ALL humans we have our good qualities and not so good qualities. I wish I was perfect and as much as I'd like to think I am, I'm not and people are just gonna have to accept who I am

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