My sister was engaged to and living with a somewhat similar guy who had mental health issues-borderline personality disorder. They met online and got very involved before she really knew him or had met any of his family (he was more or less estranged from all of them) or friends (he basically had none). She had enough and she owned the home but she couldn't see a way to get him out. In our state, a shack up honey has the same rights as a regular tenant who has quit paying rent, you have to go thru a legal process to evict them.

She came to my house for a couple of weeks and then only communicated with this guy thru an attorney friend of hers. She eventually offered him a couple of thousand dollars if he would get out in a week. After he was packed up, he went to her atty friends office and the guy handed him the check. Even if you have to get a cash advance on a credit card to do this, it will be the best $$ you ever spent.

Next time, look before you leap. A guy who would fall $30K behind in his obligations to his own flesh and blood is not going to take care of a girlfriend. A grown adult who has hopped from job to job every few months will keep doing it unless he somehow becomes self motivated to do better - you can't motivate another adult. Also, if you meet a guy that "everybody" is against, "all" his former bosses were jerks, "all" his ex-wives and girlfriends were horrible etc. - run quickly in away from that guy!

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Are your expectactions reasonable? ADD doesn't go away. It might be easier to conceptualise it as a disability like blindness or some other difference in ability that's not so hard to explain. There are certain limits and we manage those limits or create alternatives. Or accept a different sort of existence.

Building a marriage, raising children and operating a businesses is hard work. Hard without ADD in the mix. Do you think you could ease the load on yourself and compensate for your wife's shortcomings by getting some home help? Or getting some support from the grandparents?

My best advice would be to go to the next psychiatrist appointment together and blurt it all out. Use the expertise and find a way forward together so you don't collapse under the weight of feeling like a single parent and a full-time cheerleader for a losing team.

Is your wife going to wake up one day and 'take responsibility'? You're asking the wrong question.

I don't doubt for a moment ADD is difficult for the non ADD to live with. Get her to do more of what she's good at, give up on the mornings improving and give her the afternoon/ evening shift to balance the workload. Stick a list on the fridge or the back of the toilet door or in her diary or Blackberry.

Keep being a hero to your children, that's a great investment.

Look after yourself, keep moving.

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Looks like everyone has already given great responses. I'm a stay at home mom and businessowner with ADD. I can relate to your wife's situation. There is so much stress and responsibility and maybe she is just cracking under the increasing pressures of life. Sounds like you both could use some help around the house and maybe some counseling. Also, be careful that your wife doesn't become co-dependent. This would be unhealthy for both of you. She needs to learn to manage her own ADD, but ,of course, with your help and support. Be careful not to become a person who enables her to not be responsible.

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