Desperation sucks. Relationships at a certain point come with a price—and I wonder if it will ever get easier.
by Jane D.
The German cockroaches reared their ugly face in the sink and fridge the other night. I returned to the apartment to find even the freezer infested by the critters.
I watched them with sick fascination, marching over bags of frozen vegetables. The roommate, the single mother with the boy, responded to my 911 call calmly. "Really are they roaches? I thought I saw fruit flies, but no roaches," she said.
It didn't matter, because I'd already sprayed the afflicted area with Raid and now the kitchen had transformed into a graveyard. She could see for herself. "We need the exterminator," I said calmly. "I have a phobia of anything that creeps and crawls.…"
I did not mention that the root of the problem might be the tower of unwashed dishes, all hers since I don't cook. It was really that simple. She was, on the surface, an unfit mother and a terrible housekeeper, and she knew it. Maybe she too suffers from attention deficit disorder (ADHD).
On that note, perhaps it is the cockroach graveyard or the depressing reality of this city, but lately I've wanted to give up. The feeling of being stifled comes not just from the pressure to find a job, but also from these men who want to date me.
The suitors are on a strict biological clock. They have achieved a certain amount in their careers and now want to marry and have babies in slam, bam, thank you m’am fashion—and I regard such haste and impatience as a sign of immaturity and insecurity. When we are desperate we see things in a fog. It is like the cab drivers in a rush to turn a corner. Running a pedestrian over defeats that purpose. There is no real way to explain it to these desperate men, because feelings, emotions, and things are tough to change.
Right now I am desperate for a full-time job with health care, desperate for the stability of having a place to go. To be sure, that would not solve all problems, but without that I am left on edge, always wondering when will the waters be calm again.