ADHD College Blog

Archives: January 2009

First Day of School Anxiety

I wish I could fast-forward through my first week of college until I'm more comfortable with my new surroundings.

Tomorrow is my first day of my new college classes … I’M SCARED!!!

I know college isn’t really that scary, and right now I’m not even scared of the homework and tests and all that – I’m just scared of my first day. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that might happen, and agonizing over every little detail of my day. Uncertainty only brings unease in someone like me who needs time to prepare and adjust to a new situation.

I don’t want to be the new kid – I’m much better at blending into a crowd. I’m supposed to ask the professors to sign an add form (that’s add as in addition, not a form for my ADD) to allow me into the class. Do I approach them at the beginning of class? Or wait until the lecture is over? Where should I sit? I don’t know a single person and everyone else will already have friends. What if we have to work in pairs or groups and I don’t have anyone to work with? What if the professor already assigned work and I’m behind on the first day?

As if the stress of class isn’t enough I have a two-hour break between my classes. What do I do? Where do I go? I don’t know where the cafeteria is, or the bookstore, or anything for that matter. It’s not like I’m living on-campus like I did my freshman year at my first college – so I don’t have the option of hiding out in my room until I figure things out this time around. And I’m not a freshman again, so there isn’t a group of other scared kids that I can tag along with.

I don’t like needing help or being the one that’s lost. It makes me feel like everyone’s looking at me and thinking what’s that girl doing here? What if I can’t find a place to sit and wait for two hours? It’s going to be 20 degrees tomorrow, so I can’t just walk around outside and figure out where things are. And I can’t really just walk up to someone and ask them what I should do for two-hours.

I’ve done just about all I can think of to prepare for school. I’ve packed a bag with notebooks, pencils, and pens. I brought my iPod and a book to read. I printed out a campus map so I hopefully won’t get too lost. I even laid out my clothes for the morning. But I still feel so unprepared. It’s like I’m lacking the thing I want the most – experience. I wish I could fast-forward this first week – this first month; until I’m more comfortable with where to go and what to do.

Wish me luck; hopefully I won’t stick out too much in the crowd.

ADHD Student Goes Back to College

As an ADHD student, I was sick with anxiety about going back to school.

I know my ADHD College Student blogs have been few and far between lately and I apologize; however, I’ve been busy with something that I didn’t want to share until it was planned out – I’m going back to college! I took the fall semester off for an internship; and also to look into other colleges I could transfer into because I wasn’t happy or successful at my first school. I was planning to transfer in the spring, but I decided against it because I was still unsure of my choice of school and my major.

Instead I’m taking two college courses – three days a week, and working the other two days. This way I can make sure I like the school and the classes before I’m totally committed. Also, I don’t have to go from 0-to-60 over a weekend; going from no school at all for 8 months to five classes all at once.

Today I went to the college to meet with the program coordinator for the Civil Engineering department to discuss curriculum and see if any classes had space for me to join. I was beyond nervous for this meeting. I just knew she’d take one look at my transcript, laugh, and tell me I had to start all over – or worse, she’d ask me why my grades were so poor, how I expected to do better this time, or why she should believe that the same things wouldn’t happen again. Actually I was terrified of going. So much so that I asked my brother to take the train into Boston with me and walk me to the building. I honestly thought that if I was alone I wouldn’t have the guts to step into the office and attempt to explain my failures.

When I met the professor I started explaining myself right away I just went to the hardest school that accepted me… The curriculum didn’t fit my learning style… It wasn’t until about five explanations in that I realized the professor was agreeing with me. She said she believes the school has to be a good fit for the student in order for them to be successful.

As she looked at my transcript I thought I might cry from relief, or hug her or something. She basically ignored my bad grades, and even when I said things like “that was a rough semester for me” she replied with “but you did well in this class – we’ll definitely transfer credit for that.” She praised me for C’s and didn’t once ask why I’d failed Calculus 3 twice. She just said don’t worry about it, you can make that up, or take it over the summer. She recommended four classes I could take this semester – one of them being a class she taught herself. She reassured me that if I had any questions or concerns she’s be more than happy to help me get caught up. It was like the best dream I could have wished for came true.

I wasted hours sitting in front of the computer, agonizing over an email asking for a second chance at college. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours last night because of nerves. This morning I almost made myself sick with panic. And after all that stress – they said we’d love to have you, and we’re willing to help. I love this new school already.

Now, I just have to get over my first day of class jitters before Monday – but that blog will have to wait for tomorrow, now I have to catch up on my sleep.

ADHD Knitting Project – Complete!

I've finally discovered a project that I'm actually motivated to finish. The joy of accomplishment does wonders for ADHD self esteem.

For Christmas, my aunt gave me a knitting project that was perfect for my ADHD. An afghan knit using size 50 needles (that’s about an inch in diameter) and four skeins of yarn held together. It was called the six-hour afghan. Of course I didn’t knit the whole thing in six hours all at once, but it’s been less than a month and it’s completely done.

For an ADHDer like me it was the perfect project. It was simple – knit a whole row, purl a whole row. It was novel – how could size 50 needles not be fun. And possibly most importantly, the gratification was as close to instant as you’ll probably ever get with knitting – literally every row or two created an inch of blanket.

I’ve always wanted to knit a big project, but I had just about resigned myself to the fact that if I started something complicated or big it might never get finished. Anyone who’s felt like this should try a six-hour afghan. It’ll do wonders for your self esteem. Just think; an ADHDer like me with practically nonexistent free-time finished a six-hour afghan in about three weeks.

I love my new blanket so much that I’m thinking about making more. Mine’s kind of long and I tend to trip over it when I’m walking around the house, so I thought I’d make a smaller one to use as a shawl. And maybe if I made one that’s more square I could use it as a throw blanket. Or maybe that’s just the ADHD in me getting carried away again!

Planning My ADHD Life

I’m hoping that writing everything in my planner will eliminate the need for hundreds of Post-it notes everywhere and keep me organized.

I’m not really big on the whole New Year's Resolutions thing because I always break them within a week, or I just forget what I had planned to change.

So even though this might sound like a resolution it’s not really. I’ve planned to use a planner (ha ha) to organize my schedule this year.

I’ve tried using planners in the past without much success. The planners I've tried have primarily been homework planners but usually I forgot to bring them to class, or I just wrote the assignments in my notebook, or I didn’t take the time to fill them out. The only time I was successful was when I was seeing a time management tutor and she had me using a weekly planner to write everything I needed to do in addition to an hour-by-hour schedule of when I would complete which tasks. This worked great – except that it took me at least 30 minutes every night to figure it out and I always overscheduled every free minute until I was exhausted.

This time, I’m using my planner a little differently and I’m determined to make it work. First of all, I bought a half-size notebook-style planner so it fits easily in my purse and I bring it everywhere. Second, I’m not limiting myself to only writing things I have to do. I think part of the reason I didn’t stick with my planners in the past was that I hated to see everything I was assigned to do listed out every day. It was too overwhelming.

This time, I’m writing things like do laundry on Tuesday; go to Target on Wednesday, etc. Of course, I also write my work schedule, so I don’t decide to wash two loads of laundry when I’m working until 10pm. The planner I’m using has plenty of open space to write notes to myself also – always a bonus for someone as forgetful as me. I’m hoping that writing everything in my planner will eliminate the need for hundreds of Post-it notes everywhere. If I think of an idea for a blog, I write it in my planner. Actually, today’s date on my planner says blog: Planner.

And look at that – I wrote a blog about my planner today. It’s working already!

What a Waste: My ADHD Procrastination Runs Rampant Again

Each morning, I make to-do lists and resolutions for better time management. And each night I fall into bed beating myself up about hours wasted and tasks undone. How can I reign in this ADHD tendency?

Seriously – enough is enough! I waste so much time every day that I feel like I don’t ever sleep – but I don’t ever accomplish anything either. The classic ADHD conundrum.

Today I was supposed to: go to work (duh), do my laundry (I have at least 3 loads), mail my car insurance bill, clean up my room, outline my thoughts on a book I’m reviewing for ADDitude magazine, write a blog, and go to bed at a decent hour since I couldn’t fall asleep until 12:30am yesterday.

It’s 11:15pm and this is what I’ve actually done: I went to work (yay!), I came home, went upstairs to change into my sweats and ended up reading a book for an hour. After dinner I looked for tickets to upcoming Celtics basketball games with my brother. At about 9pm I decided to do laundry; it took 20 minutes to sort the lights and darks, but one load finally got in the wash. While I was waiting to put it into the dryer I should have cleaned up my room, or made notes on the book – but do you think I did that? Of course not.

Instead I became mesmerized by iGoogle. My homepage was always Google, but I never bothered to customize the theme, add my zip code for the weather, or select which applications I wanted on my homepage. But because I had something else to do it suddenly became imperative that I customize my iGoogle right away. Well, my homepage now has pictures of a beautiful beach (where I wish I was; instead of in this feels-like-12-degrees freezing rain every day), and it tells me exactly how cold and windy it will be for the rest of the week (nothing above 31 degrees).

Now, I’m exhausted and aggravated at myself. Why do I do this to myself every day? In the morning I think of all the things I’m going to accomplish; I even make lists and put endless reminders on post-its all around my room. It’s not like I forget that I have things to do – I just don’t actually start them. I am the Queen of Procrastination.

The worst thing about ADHD (to me) is that if someone asked me: "If you wanted to get the laundry done and mail your bill, and clean your room then why didn’t you do it?" I wouldn’t be able to explain it. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t get things done – I just didn’t. I hope other people have the same problem; because I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well even now. I could say that I’m resolving to do better tomorrow – but I do that every night as I crawl into bed close to (or after) midnight.

Again – I can’t think of anything witty to end with. I guess the funny side of my brain doesn’t function well on 5 hours of sleep a night.

Just Quirky 'Lil Me. Or Is It ADHD?

Lately, I’ve noticed that many of my 'odd personal quirks' are actually related to my attention deficit disorder (ADHD).

On my way to work this morning, I listened to the same song on repeat for 30 minutes straight. This was not unusual.

I never thought my addiction to the repeat button was related to my attention deficit disorder – I just always get hooked on one favorite song and hyperfocus on it -- playing it over and over until I'm sick of it. But when I got home and told my non-ADHD sister that I downloaded this new song and loved it so much that I listened to it over and over she said “God, that’s so annoying why would you do that?” My ADHD brother said he always does that too, and he doesn’t think it’s annoying at all.

Later tonight, I was running a few errands at the mall and I went into the store I work in to return some clothes that didn’t fit (of course I didn’t try them on before buying them). I was walking around shopping when one of the girls who was working said, “What was that, Bekah?”

“I didn’t say anything” I replied. Then I realized – maybe I did say something, but it was just mumbling to myself. After that, I caught myself doing it all night. Wandering around stores, looking for my car in the parking lot, while I was driving home – talking out loud to myself.

Hey these are on sale!? I think I parked in this row. Where does my dad want me to park?

I suppose it could be worse; it would be even stranger if I was carrying on a two-sided conversation with myself. Still, people must think I’m crazy or something.

And then there are things that I know are ADHD – like getting up right as I’m about to finish a blog because my keyboard looks really dirty and then spending 20 minutes cleaning between each key with a Q-tip. Or sitting there for 10 more minutes even after I’m done writing because I can’t think of something funny to say at the end and I know my aunt will be looking for the funny ending.

ADHD at Work: Things I've Lost

For maybe the 643rd time, I lost my keys. But these were the store keys, and business was opening in five minutes!

Yesterday was officially my last day of temporary management status at my mall job. At the end of the night I returned my store keys, and I’m no longer able to override sale prices, or authorize returns. I can’t decide if I’m sad that I’m back to ‘normal’ or relieved. Being a manager is a lot of work, and much more responsibility.

I’ve successfully made it through a month of responsibility without causing any major problems – but just barely.

On my last day as temporary manager another manager and I came in early to open the store. Everything was going well until I went to open the door and let customers in and realized I didn’t have my store keys. After the first wave of panic I figured they must be at the register or in my purse. But as I walked over to the desk I didn’t see any sign of them, and they weren’t in my bottomless pit of a purse either.

“Maybe you left them in your car” suggested the other manager as she used her set of keys to let the customers in – that would mean my car keys were also in the car – with no way to get them out except to call my dad asking to bring the spare keys.

I was so upset at my lack of memory and organization; who can’t remember where she left her set of about 10 store keys clipped onto her car keys? I was just about to go walking through the mall, out into the cold, convinced that I’d get to my car only to find the keys mocking me from the passenger seat when I dawned on me to check the zipper compartment of my purse.

Sure enough they were right next to my wallet – which I’d taken out to pay for breakfast. I guess I’d put them there so I wouldn’t set them down on the counter while waiting for my bagel and forget them.

As it turns out I was more organized than I’d given myself credit for. If only I’d remembered my technique for NOT losing my keys.