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Will This Be on the Test?

Archives: August 2008

ADHD Car Hunting

Impulse buys are harmless, frivolous fun... sometimes. One of those times is definitely not when purchasing a used car whose bad brakes and rusting exhaust aren't advertised.

For the past week or so I’ve been on the hunt for the perfect car. It has to be good on gas, not have too many miles on it, be small (but not 2 door), have at least some features like power locks, power windows etc. Oh, did I forget to mention it has to be cheap?

Turns out there aren’t too many luxury cars for under $5,000 but with the help of my dad I’ve been determined to find something nice.

The problem is I know absolutely nothing about cars and I have the hardest time keeping the options and features of one car separate from another in my mind. Usually, we come home and my brother asks ‘what kind of cars did you look at today?’ my response is limited to ‘a black car, and a red car.’ I can’t remember the make and model; never mind whether it was a 4- or 6-cylinder and how many miles were on it.

My judgment of cars is completely superficial; if I like the color, the interior is clean (and smells clean), it has power windows, and a CD player I’d just assume buy it. Luckily, my dad has the good sense to take it to a mechanic and have it checked first.

This week I was all set to buy one of the ‘black cars’ I’d seen, so my dad put down a deposit and took it to a mechanic to have it inspected. The mechanic said the brakes needed to be replaced, the exhaust system was on its way out, and someone had painted the car from red to black.

Thank God I didn’t just impulsively throw down a couple thousand dollars and walk away with the car. That would have been one expensive impulsive decision! Thanks to the good sense and patience of my dad I saved a lot of money, and didn’t end up with a lemon of a car that would break down in a few weeks.

Unfortunately, I’m back out on the hunt for my perfect car again this week. Wish me luck!

The Accidental Thief

Is it stealing if you borrow something and accidentally forget to return it thanks to a little ADHD?

I’ve been finding things that I borrowed from people and then never returned. It’s not that I really wanted it, so I just kept it; it’s just that I forgot to give it back.

Under my desk is one of my sister’s black ballet flats. I would return it, except that I have yet to come across its match. She saw it the other day and said ‘hey, that’s my ballet flat!’ I told her she could have it, if she only wanted one shoe.

Apparently, I’m quite the thief when it comes to my sister’s clothing. It’s just that whatever fits her fits me, so I ‘borrow’ her clothes a lot. Thinking about it, her maroon tank top is in my closet, because it matches a dress I have, her gray camisole is in my drawer (I don’t even know why), and I had one of her shirts on my door, but she took it back a few days ago, after it was there for weeks and I never wore it. I borrowed her black sweater in May to wear to work; I wear it all the time and it’s pretty much become my sweater.

There’s a bottle of coral nail polish on my dresser that belongs to my aunt. I borrowed it a few months ago to paint my nails, and I always forget to give it back to her when I see her. Summer’s almost over and I’ve had her favorite summery color since June.

There’s a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey in my drawer that’s not mine, but I can’t return it, because I don’t know who it belongs to.

If you’re reading this and I’ve stolen something from you by accident: a) I’m sorry. b) feel free to steal it back (I probably won’t even notice), or c) yell at me and tell me to give it back, I might have forgotten it was yours to start with.

I’m not a thief, I swear! I’m just forgetful!

ADHD Memory Paranoia

The constant worry that I forgot something rules my ADHD existence, and will bother me until I go back and make sure I really didn’t forget.

I really need to pay attention the first time I do something. It is the bane of my ADHD existence. I’m always questioning myself, hoping that I really did lock the door, turn off the stove, shut off the headlights, etc.

At work I find myself going back and forth to the fax machine, waiting for my confirmation page to print. After 10 minutes I get the file out to re-send it, thinking it must not have gone through the first time. When I open the folder to get the fax there’s my confirmation, right where I left it the first time I checked.

At my mall job I’m often late because I almost get to my store before I just have to turn around and go back to the parking lot to make sure I didn’t leave the headlights on. So far, every single time, they’ve been off, and I’ve been late for nothing. At my internship it’s easier, because I can just stick my head out the door and look into the parking lot to see my car.

When I leave in the morning I’m paranoid that I left the coffee pot on, or I put my alarm clock on snooze and it’s going to wake everyone else up once I’m gone. When I turn around to check nothing is ever wrong, and I feel stupid for going back to check.

The constant worry that I forgot something is so annoying, but it will bother me until I go back and make sure I really didn’t forget. I think I just do things automatically without even noticing I’m doing it. I never consciously think I’m shutting off my alarm now, or my headlights are off. And even if I said it out loud I would still end up doubting myself (and people would think I was crazy).

I should just forget about it and not go back to check, but the one time I do that will be the first time I actually did forget, and the car battery will be dead, the kitchen will be on fire, or my family will be angry that I left my alarms on all day.

Anyone have any ideas or tips to remember that you didn’t forget something?

Give Me My ADHD Meds-Now!

I’m so frustrated with doctors and prescriptions, I just want someone to give me the meds that I like and let me be.

I’m so frustrated with doctors, and prescriptions, and differing opinions. I just want someone to give me the meds that work; the ADHD medication that I like, and let me be.

I went to the doctor last Thursday to get a new prescription for Ritalin. It was kind of a mess, because I had to see a psychiatrist at school to get academic accommodations, and while I was there, he increased my Ritalin dosage. I’ve been taking his dosage for a month or two, and it seems to be working great. But now, he doesn’t work at the school anymore, and I don’t even know where his new practice is, so I can’t go back to him for more.

I went back to my primary care doctor; I even brought the bottle from the higher dose he prescribed. I had completely run out of long-acting Ritalin at this point, and I was taking 4-hour Ritalin to survive until I got my prescription filled. I thought I wouldn’t have a problem getting another prescription – if one doctor prescribed it, why couldn’t another? After my 10-minute explanation of the situation and the dose increase, the nurse practitioner told me she couldn’t write me a prescription. She explained that 40mg per day of Ritalin was the maximum she could prescribe, even though I’d been taking 60mg per day for a few months and I feel fine (and productive). I have no idea why one doctor can recommend something, and another doctor can say it is unsafe.

Needless to say, I wasn’t just going to take the 40mg prescription and leave – that’s what I used to take and it keeps me awake, but that’s about it. Focus, control, sitting still – forget it. I asked if she recommended that I try a different brand of medication, but she said she’d have to talk to a doctor and get back to me in the morning.

That was Thursday. It’s Tuesday, I still haven’t heard back, and when I called they said she was out until Wednesday. I’m starting to wonder if my doctor has ADHD or something. All I wanted was my prescription to fill, the same dose I’ve been taking for months with great results. All I got was annoyed… and a $20 co-pay fee for absolutely nothing.

ADHD Password Hell

Us ADHDers need something more simple than a six digit number and an eight character password for all our various computer accounts.

Forgot your username or password? God, do I hate seeing that message when I’m trying to log in to a Website, or one of my various rarely-used email servers.

They should make another button that says ‘Have ADHD?’ Maybe then it could just let me log on, and not email my password to some other random email address that I’ve long since forgotten even existed.

When I’m creating a new account to access a website, I know I should really create another email address so junk mail doesn’t get sent to my real email. So I open a new window, create a free account on Yahoo, or Hotmail, or whatever and use that account to sign up for a username and password for another site.

Except when I attempt to log on a few months later (ok, sometimes it’s only days) later, I can’t remember the username or password. They offer to email it to me, but they don’t have the decency to tell me the account they’re emailing it to. Confused yet? So am I, which is probably why I have so many accounts that I can’t access.

I know I should use the same account name and password for multiple sites, but more usually I receive the message, "that username is already taken" or I think I’ll use a password that’s easy to remember, foolproof, until I go back to remember it, and I’m stumped.

At my part-time mall job we got new cash registers that now require an employee number and password for each transaction. We used to only have to enter one two-digit number to ring someone in; even I could handle that! Now, our employee numbers are six digits long, and our passwords have to be eight characters, including letters and numbers. Even worse, if you mess up and type it in wrong three times in one shift you get locked out of the system for the day, and a manager has to call the corporate office to reset it. We’ve had this new system for a few weeks; I’m still getting locked out almost every day.

Us ADHDers need something more simple than a six digit number and an eight character password. I need a card to swipe to log in to sites (although I might lose the card, or leave it at home). Maybe I need a microchip implanted under my skin, or a barcode tattooed onto my hand. That way, I’d never have to remember all my usernames and passwords again.

Picking Up the ADHD Pieces

The problem with ignoring my problems is that they’re still there, and I still think about them, even if I'm not solving them.

After a few weeks of breaking all my promises to myself – like going to the gym, staying organized, and keeping up my part-time job – I’m finally getting myself back on track.

Tonight, my sister and I went back to the gym. We skipped about three weeks, after we’d let our one-month membership expire last month. Finally, we decided enough is enough; we renewed our memberships and got right back on the treadmill. I really had to push myself to go, because I was exhausted after work and a doctor’s appointment for an ADHD med-check. I knew my sister had been waiting for me to have some free time from work and apartment showings, so I just got dressed and forced myself to go.

After the first couple minutes I remembered that once you start running, it actually gives you an energy boost. Surprisingly, after half an hour of running (they were about to close; but better late than never) I felt like I had more energy than when I dragged my feet into the gym.

I also finally cleaned up my room today. The clothes draped over chairs, my two hampers, and rolled up on the floor had gotten ridiculous, so I finally folded everything and put most of it away where it belongs. I still need to clean out my overflowing drawers, but that’s a big job – more suited for the weekend.

Tomorrow is my first day back at my part-time mall job after almost two weeks off dedicated to the roommate search. t looks like we might have someone who’s interested! I’m actually excited to work a 15-hour day; folding clothes and ringing up customers is much less stressful than showing an apartment over and over, desperate to find someone.

The problem with ignoring my problems is that they’re still there, and I still think about them, even if I'm not solving them. Getting back on track, and picking up the pieces I’ve been scattering for the last couple of weeks feels good. I can see the floor, I burned 232 calories, and I’ll be back working both my jobs tomorrow.

ADHD College Struggles

Even though I had planned to complete college in four years, I’ve come to accept that I learn differently from the traditional college student.

Sometimes, things don’t turn out the way I planned. I planned to go back to college in September as a junior in the Civil Engineering program. As it turns out, that’s not how it worked out.

I wasn’t exactly a star student at my college in the first place. My freshman year I didn’t tell anyone that I had attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I just took my Ritalin, went to class, and tried to blend in with the other students. This philosophy seemed to work OK, and I ended my freshman year with mostly C’s and B’s.

My second year, everything changed. The classes got harder, I got more overwhelmed, I was staying up at all hours of the night doing homework, and even when I wasn’t working I couldn’t sleep because of anxiety about classes. Finally, halfway through my second semester sophomore year, I went to the disability services counselor for help. I needed to go through more testing by a psychiatrist on campus and lots of paperwork; but she was able to arrange for extra testing time on my exams for the remainder of the semester.

However, I came to find out that not all teachers were forced to accommodate me, and the math department (where I was failing Calculus for the second time) refused me any extra time on exams. In my other classes, the time-and-a-half helped, but it was probably too little too late, and I was put on academic probation after last semester.

Then, I found out that my school was raising tuition, and the government loans weren’t going to come through for the fall semester. Also, they put me on financial aid probation, saying that because I was not going to complete my degree in 4 years; my financial aid would be cut. I panicked. As it was, last semester had left a bad taste in my mouth about that school, and I was thinking of transferring to somewhere more accommodating, and less stressful.

It took just about all the courage I could muster, but I asked my boss about possibly staying at the company, and doing an internship during the fall semester, while I looked to transfer schools. He said they would be glad to have me, which was just about the biggest relief of my life.

As it stands now, I’m officially on a leave of absence from college, for one semester. I’m going to look into transferring for the spring semester, because the thought of going to those classes again is enough to make me nauseous with fear.

Even though I had planned to complete my schooling in four years, I’m not too upset to discover this is not possible. I’ve come to accept that I learn differently than the traditional college student, and just because it takes me a little longer doesn’t mean I can’t be just as successful. I just need to find a school that is willing to accommodate me and help me accomplish my goals, and not shut me out because it takes me longer.

Roommate Wanted

A person with ADHD should never commit to something six months in advance, especially an apartment lease.

A person with ADHD like me should never commit to something six months in advance. Because I was planning on living at school and being a full-time student my junior year, I signed a lease with my friends for an apartment for next year.

However, I’m not going back to college next semester, and I now have no reason (or money) to live in the apartment that I signed up for. I should have known that making plans so far in advance wasn’t a good idea, but I went ahead despite the fact that at the time I hated my school and my classes (and I wasn’t doing so well either).

Now, I’m in a HUGE mess. The landlord has been so helpful, agreeing that if I can find a suitable replacement that everyone’s comfortable with he would let me out of the lease completely. But now, I have to actually find someone. And it has to be someone who I know will get along with my friends, because I’m not up for sticking them with some random stranger who they’ll hate.

Finding someone to live with a group of people who are already best friends is pretty hard. I’ve already answered about 60 emails in the past week, and shown the apartment at least seven times. Still, no takers. I’ve had to take time off from my part-time job to show the place after my full-time job is over for the night, and I’m pretty sure my stress and lack of sleep is affecting my work all around.

My purse is now full of papers scraps with phone numbers, names, meeting times and a hundred other things. It takes me so long to find someone’s information it’s driving me insane. But I can’t seem to bring myself to waste the hour organizing everything, and if I throw something away, I’m bound to need it in five minutes.

I just wish this whole mess would be over! I’m tired, overwhelmed, and stressed. I’m waiting on decisions from a few people, so hopefully one of them will want it, so I can start over; living at home, working, starting the tedious college search again, and hopefully starting fresh at a new school in January.

Keep your fingers crossed for someone to take over my lease!

ADHD Checks and Balances

The swipe-your-card-and-go method of shopping sure is convenient, but it’s not always the best choice for someone with ADHD.

The swipe-your-card-and-go method of shopping sure is convenient, but it’s not always the best choice for someone with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) like me.

When I’m in the checkout line in a store, I open my wallet and automatically reach for my debit card. It’s just so easy to swipe my card, enter my pin, press accept and go. I don’t have to sort money, or fish around for two pennies to avoid getting a handful of coins back.

The only problem is that the debit card is sometimes too easy. Often, I don’t even look at the total before I hit accept. When my bank statement comes, it doesn’t at all resemble the numbers in my checkbook. I forget that if I use my debit card I still have to write my purchases to keep my checkbook balanced. Usually, there’s a line behind me, and I don’t want to keep everyone waiting, so I just grab my receipt and go, promising myself that I’ll write it in when I get home.

Sometimes, I actually do remember to write my purchases in my checkbook. The only problem is that I forget how much I spent, and I can’t find the receipt. At the end of the month, my checkbook has a lot of store names listed, waiting for purchase amounts to be copied in from my bank statement. It’s kind of pointless to even keep a checkbook when you can’t confirm your bank statements every month. But no matter how hard I try I have at least a few empty spaces.

At other times, I think I’m subconsciously trying to not write my purchases down, because that would force me to see how much I spent on junk, and the low numbers of my balance would freak me out. I haven’t had to use overdraft yet, nor do I intend to anytime soon.

Maybe keeping a balanced checkbook would make me think twice before dumping 30 things from the $1 section onto the conveyer belt and swiping my card. From now on, I’m going to try really, really hard to write down everything I buy before I leave the store, no matter how many people are annoyed behind me in line.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Midway through the summer and I've abandoned my gym membership, my college make-up work, and my cleaning pledge. Can I blame the ADHD? Or just the exhaustion?

Lately, I’ve been so overwhelmed with working every day, picking up extra hours at my part-time job, and still trying to enjoy the summer that I’ve forgotten a few things along the way.

I’ve completely stopped working on making up the work for the incomplete I took last semester. My determination to finish before the last minute faded after about 2 of the 10 assignments. I went to the library probably 5 times, but I dreaded every second of it until I finally convinced myself that other things were more urgent than the homework I had 3 months to complete. I didn’t understand it anyways, and other things have taken priority over Environmental Engineering.

I haven’t been to the gym in over 2 weeks. I was really doing well for a while there; I probably went at least 3 times a week for the first 3 weeks. I actually liked it most of the time, and it definitely gave me more energy. Good thing I only paid for that one month membership, otherwise I’d be throwing $25 down the toilet this month.

I’ve pretty much given up on my disaster of a room, even though it’s impossible to forget about it, because my mom reminds me to clean up every day. I would still like to organize my drawers, so I wouldn’t have a laundry basket full of clean clothes that I washed last week still sitting on my floor, because the drawers are too full.

Often, when I buy things impulsively, I get home and decide I don’t really need/want/like them and I plan to return them ASAP. I even took the time to organize everything that was going back, and put the receipt in the bags with the clothes so I won’t get to the store only to realize I forgot the receipt at home. The only problem? The clothes I organized and planned to return a few weeks ago are still sitting in my room. I really need to find time to go back to the store before the receipts expire, and I’m stuck with clothes I won’t ever wear.

I guess the shoulda, coulda, woulda – and still-need-to-do-eventually’s are going to have to wait a few more days. Maybe after I get some much-needed sleep and relaxation this weekend, I’ll think about starting all the things I’ve left on pause.

5 Things I Love About ADHD

I can't list all the things I hate about having ADHD without listing some good things about ADHD too.

Don’t worry; I wasn’t going to go through all the things I hate about having ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) without telling some good things about ADHD too.

1) The never-ending optimism. Even if I’ve failed miserably at something, I always think it will be better the next time I try. Calculus class? I tried (and failed) twice. But after the first time I thought the next time would be fine, I didn’t consider that the class would be just as hard the second time. It’s nice to be the one who always thinks things will turn out fine when everyone else is worried and stressed all the time.

2) Ritalin. Even though I hate that I need it, I must admit, I love how productive I am when I take it. After I spend even one day being unmotivated, unproductive, and feeling crappy because I didn’t get anything done, I feel great when I do accomplish things (and usually it’s mostly pain-free). One of the best feelings is looking back on what I did at work that day before I leave for the night. I love knowing that I organized files, completed projects, and actually did something that helped.

3) Hyper energy. Sometimes it’s unproductive energy, but other times I can actually work for hours on end, hyper-focusing until the project is done. If I’m in the zone, I forget to get tired, and I can work straight through the night, until my paper’s complete, without having to go to bed when I get sleepy and careless. Other people don’t have that extra adrenaline push to keep them awake and focused; lucky me, I do.

4) The sixth sense. (No, not the movie). I can read people, and situations pretty well, usually I can tell if someone’s genuine right away. I’ve learned to trust this inexplicable instinct, and if something tells me a person’s not trustworthy I stick with my gut instinct. This instinct also sometimes helps me with problem solving in classes. Everyone else works the problem out one way, and I do something different, but end up with the right answer. When someone asks how I knew to go about it that way I usually can’t explain; I shrug and say, "I just knew."

5) Being silly and childish. I like acting my shoe size, not my age. I know I can’t be six all the time, but it’s nice to goof around and have some fun once in a while. Other people are so serious, lots of college kids hole themselves up in the library for days on end, studying, studying, studying. I think everyone should have some ADHD once in a while; no one should forget how to skip, it’s more fun than walking and it gets you to class faster if you’re late.