An ADHD Apology

I’m sorry – ok – I’m sorry. I’m sorry I watched TV instead of doing the dishes. I’m sorry I didn’t get around to doing laundry until I was wearing my very last pair of socks. I’m sorry we made plans three weeks ago and then I canceled the day before. I’m sorry I said I would clean my room and never did. I’m sorry I went shopping when I should have been applying to transfer to another college. I’m sorry that I snapped at you and I’m tired and stressed and grumpy and short tempered.

Lately, it feels like all the things I should be doing are on that moving sidewalk thingy at the airport, but somehow I forgot to get on. I’m running behind, frantic to catch up but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get everything done. Fatigue takes over, and I give up on my lost luggage or I see a gift shop that distracts me from my original goal.

This is my first blog of the week and it’s already Thursday. I’m sorry. Every single night before I go to bed I remember that I didn’t write my blog yet, and this week I’ve just been too tired to get my thoughts into coherent, organized sentences.

Laundry takes almost no effort, yet I can’t get myself to go upstairs and sort the lights from the darks then carry it all downstairs and throw it into the dryer. I did finally wash my laundry tonight, but only because I don’t have any socks for work tomorrow. Cleaning my room to my mom’s satisfaction would probably take only 20 minutes – yet it still looks like a disaster area.

I feel snappy and grumpy because I’m overtired. I can’t sleep well because I’m stressed and nervous. I know the deadlines to transfer to a new school are quickly approaching (if not already passed) but honestly; my fear of going back to school (or being rejected everywhere I apply due to my not-so-stellar GPA) keeps me from even looking into other schools. I know I need to finish to get a good job, but I don’t want to go back.

Last but not least – I’m sorry that I feel like I’m failing lately. I’m sorry that I have so many reasons to apologize. I know it may seem like I’m not trying very hard – but it’s hard to make myself try; if that makes any sense.

There is one thing I’m not sorry about though. I’m not sorry that I stayed up late watching the Red Sox win the division series. And no matter how tired and grumpy and unproductive it makes me, I’m going to stay up and watch the American League Championship Series – and the World Series after that. I’ll just have to catch up with my speeding life on nights when there isn’t a game.