ADHD Parenting Blog

Archives: May 2009

Speaking of Anxiety...

A child therapist who specializes in anxiety and bipolar disorder recently interviewed me about blogging, parenting an ADHD child, and the way I see conditions overlap in my daughter.

Given ADDitude's recent focus on anxiety and ADHD, it felt serendipitous when Kristen McClure, a therapist specializing in treating anxiety and bipolar disorder in children, asked me for an interview. I was honored to accept. Here's the result: ADHD and Parenting: An Interview with Kay Marner.

While exploring Kristen's site, I found helpful information about anxiety that fits my Natalie, who struggles with anxiety along with ADHD, to a T. I especially appreciated Kristen's description of separation anxiety and her tips for dealing with . I think I'll implement one of her tips, a reward system for staying in her own bed, right away. I know the perfect prize--yet another Webkinz (this will be number 12)--to sleep in her bed with her!

Speaking of anxiety, I wrote previously about Natalie reacting with anxiety to a change even though it was positive: when I quit working outside the home, Natalie did some acting out about coming home after school, rather than having to go to daycare. I wrote that I'd work on developing a routine for after school in order to help Natalie adjust.

As it turns out, there seem to be two key elements to the routine that's resulted. One: it's best if I'm waiting on the front porch where Nat can see me as she executes the short walk from the bus to home. And, two: Nat greets me, then goes immediately to the kitchen table and opens her "mail." I place the junk mail in a pile in the same spot each day, and she rips it to shreds and scatters it around the table. Then, she's ready for anything! How weird!

Yesterday, she went home with Harry after school instead of riding the bus home, so that I could go out with my good friend Sarah for some girlfriend time (yes, it involved sangria!) Her only hesitation in going to Harry's was a fear that her mail wouldn't be on the table when she got home! I placed the mail in the usual spot, and left a note on top if it for Don and Aaron (well, really for Natalie's benefit): "Please save mail for Natalie!" It did the trick!

I'm glad this works. My only concern is that since it's a purposeless activity, it's more OCD than healthy coping. You know, a repetitive ritual that someone feels compelled to do, believing doing so will keep them safe, that doesn't really do anything--like avoiding cracks in the sidewalk. Should I worry about that, or just be happy that it helps? Let's see what Kristen McClure thinks!

Kristen: Care to comment?

In the Key of ADHD

Music and rhythmic activity appeal to my ADHD child, and also seem to facilitate learning.

I don't know about you, but I expend a lot of energy trying to get Natalie, my daughter with ADHD, to focus on her homework. As a second grader, Natalie's homework is limited, thank goodness, to practicing spelling words for a weekly spelling test, and reading aloud (Natalie reading to me, and me reading to Natalie) nightly. I gravitate to the reading part. Don does better than I do with the spelling. He makes it fun.

Don doesn't realize it; it's instinctive for him (he's such a great dad!)--but by making homework fun, he's providing some pretty specialized instruction. He's appealing to a variety of learning styles--auditory and kinesthetic, in this case.

As soon as spring sprung in Iowa, Don began taking Natalie outside to practice spelling. He pushed her on the swing as they worked. Sometimes they sang; they at least recited the words' spelling in a rhythmic manner. The movement and music seemed to do more than just avoid the ADHD "Sit still!" homework battle. They appeared to actually facilitate her learning.

Music and rhythmic activity have appealed to Natalie from the time she joined our family, and probably before. I deduced that music accompanied daily routines in Natalie's orphanage days, because at first, Nat would sing a repetitive two-note song every time I tried to sit her on the potty: "Yah, yah. Yah, yah. Yah, yah." She loved singing during group time in preschool. And later, she learned, with the help of Mrs. Tesdahl, a teacher's aid who is a certified music teacher, to spell her name by singing the letters: "N-A-T-A-L-I-E. That is how you spell Natalie."

Here's an interesting dilemma, though. Nat and Don came home from the park one night. "She's got 'em down!" Don said, and started quizzing Nat on her spelling words to show off what she'd learned.

She couldn't remember them. I bet they would have come right back to her if she was swinging. Do you think I could add: "All testing will be done while Natalie swings" or "Natalie will be allowed to sing answers to tests" to Natalie's IEP? I doubt it.

But I will try to stress that Natalie benefits from a multi-sensory approach to learning whenever possible. By the way, reader Anders Ronnau commented on my post, "Learning New Words," recommending the book Rediscover the Joy of Learning, by Don Blackerby, as a resource to find out more about auditory learning.

And, I believe strongly in the power of music as an early literacy tool. When I worked at Ames Public Library, I was "instrumental" (bad pun--couldn't resist!) in adding sets of rhythm instruments to our public library's collections. Ames Public Library now offers sets of three instruments--each makes a different sound and is operated via a different small motor movement--in convenient zippered bags, for check out. They carry sets for ages six months and up, and for ages three years and up. They also offer sets containing enough of one instrument for groups of 10; 10 pairs of rhythm sticks, 10 rainmakers, and so on, for use by teachers, daycare providers, and other groups. Why not see if you can sell this concept to your public library?

For more information about music and early literacy, visit Saroj Ghoting's website, earlylit.net. I also recommend Kindermusic classes (kindermusik.com) for young children. And, a great source for purchasing durable instruments for home (or school, or library) use is westmusic.com.

Reacting to ADHD Rage

I've never wanted to hurt my child. But I understand how easy it would be to let that last thread of self-control snap.

Every now and then I congratulate myself for not hurting Natalie, my child with ADHD.

What am I saying? Shouldn't it be a given that I won't hurt my child? Don't call the social workers on me, but, no, it really isn't a given. I have never hurt her, I swear. But I've wanted to.

That's not right either. No, I've never wanted to hurt her. But I understand how easy it would be to let that last thread of self-control snap. I've come too close for comfort.

Natalie had her biggest, baddest ADHD-acting-out episode of all time a couple weeks ago. It started out with Natalie reacting to a minor disappointment and escalated from there. It consumed our entire evening, and left both Natalie and I completely drained of energy and emotion well into the next day.

It's when Natalie hurts me (or Aaron, or the cat) that I nearly lose control. I get absolutely crazy. Saying I feel RAGE would not be an exaggeration. Here's an ironic image: me screaming, "WE DO NOT HURT EACH OTHER IN THIS FAMILY!"—-as my voice, facial expression, and body language scream that I'm about to commit murder. It's horrible. I'm horrible.

And Natalie did hurt me during this particular fit. To make matters worse, we weren't at home. We were driving to pick Aaron up from baseball practice. As her tantrum escalated, Natalie, from the backseat of the car, threw things at me—-toy, books, her shoes. Kicked me in the head and shoulder as I drove. At the ball park, I got out of the car to get away from her. She chased after me, hitting me. I tried to safely restrain her, and we wrestled around—-in the rain, in wet grass. She's getting too strong for me—-I couldn't do it. As we rolled around, I worried what other parents, and, God forbid, Aaron and his teammates, were seeing and thinking.

I eventually walked away from Nat, back to the car, and called Don—-he was 30 minutes away, but would leave work and get back as soon as possible. Aaron walked over, we got in the car, and Aaron became a target too. Just as we turned into our subdivision, Aaron called Don again, begging for help.

Another hard kick to my shoulder. I slammed on the brakes. SCREAMED--"GET OUT OF THIS CAR RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND WALK HOME!"

Nat threw open the door, but stayed in the back seat kicking and flailing. We finally got home, and I got Nat into her room—-with a round, red bite mark on my left wrist to show for it. Don got there and took over. I slammed kitchen cupboards. Bawled. Shook all over.

I hate to be that way. I hate to have Aaron see any of that. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm making an appointment with a new psychologist. I—-we--have to try something more, something different.

At least I didn't hurt her.

Happy Blog-iversary!

One year ago, I introduced myself and my loveable, exhausting, ADHD daughter, Natalie, to the cyber-world.

May 30th will mark my first blog-iversary! An entire year has sped past since I started blogging for ADDitudeMag.com about life in the parenting fast-lane—parenting a child with ADHD. I introduced myself and my loveable, exhausting daughter, Natalie, to the whole cyber-world, then shared our pothole-addled ride through a year in our lives: Natalie's as a second grader, and mine as her chronically overwhelmed mom. Some of the many signposts we whizzed past during the last year include:

• A demon possession scare! (How many people can say that?)
• A less-than-sunny summer school experience. (I was the one who was possessed that time!)
• A challenging, but, ultimately, positive school year. (Thanks to great teachers who understand ADHD!)
• Oh-so-many ADHD medication changes! (Are we there yet?)
• Ups and downs in the efficacy of Natalie's special services. (Another day, another social worker.)
• Natalie's "graduation" from occupational therapy. (We miss you, Summer!)
• Losing out on a heck of a lot of sleep…yawn…due to Natalie's sleep disturbance. (I'm counting down to a respite weekend!)
• Quitting my nearly-perfect part-time job in an effort to survive. (At a time when others are hoping to survive job cuts!)

Quitting my job and my adjustment to this new phase of my life has led me to do some soul-searching, and I've decided to set a goal for myself for the next year. We set goals for our kids all the time, right? IEP goals, therapy goals, behavioral goals. Why not focus a little energy on ourselves?

My goal for this, my second blog-year, is to cure myself of having "ADHD by Proxy." To shed my persona of "chronically-overwhelmed mom" and reclaim those characteristics that used to define me. I used to be the embodiment of job-description-buzz-words: a self-starter, able to work independently, excellent at managing my time and multiple projects, well-organized, reliable, and punctual. That was me! And I miss me. I want me back. My goal for the year is to find that old me. Please click by for a read often to see how I'm doing—and leave comments! The support and sense of community I feel from our cyber-interactions are invaluable. I hope you feel understood and supported when you read my blog and readers' comments, too.

In fact, to celebrate and further foster the development of our ADDitude community, I'm issuing this Blog-iversary Challenge: Set a goal for yourself, via a comment on this post. What would you like to change this year? Five random goal-setters who respond by May 31 will receive, as a show of support from ADDitude, their choice of:

• a one-year subscription to ADDitude magazine
• a copy of ADDitude's ADHD Treatment e-book
• a copy of ADDitude's ADHD at School e-book

Put those fingers on the keyboard, and…

Soul-search! Sign in! Set that goal!

I'll see you in the comment section! Here's to a great year!

SPD and ADHD

Why should we care about SPD? My daughter, Natalie, has both ADHD and SPD. Many kids with ADHD do, too.

Jennifer Choi’s blog, Can Mom Be Calm?, is one I visit often. Jenn recently interviewed Dr. Lucy Miller, an expert on Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Jenn talked to Dr. Miller about how to find an occupational therapist with expertise in treating sensory integration issues to work with our children.

ADDitude is all about ADHD, right? Why should we care about SPD? My daughter, Natalie, has both ADHD and SPD. Many kids with ADHD do, too. Here’s a quote from an article, “When ADHD Might Be Something Else", by Priscilla Scherer, from this very website:

The two conditions don’t necessarily go hand in hand, but they often do. “Many neurological problems overlap,” explains educator Carol Stock Kranowitz, author of The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction. “Often, a child who has dysfunction in one area will have dysfunction in others.” The correlation of ADHD and SPD symptoms is shown by a new national study of children ages 2 to 21 done at the University of Colorado. Parents reported that, of children who showed symptoms of either ADHD or SPD, 40% displayed symptoms of both, according to Lucy Jane Miller, Ph.D., director of the Sensory Processing Treatment and Research (STAR) Center at the Children’s Hospital in Denver.

Wow, 40%! That’s a pretty high number.

When Natalie began occupational therapy, we were, through blind luck, matched up with Summer Barber. Summer introduced me to the concept of SPD. She recognized Natalie’s sensory issues immediately, and treated her accordingly. After some time, she made arrangements for Natalie to complete the Sensory Integration & Praxis Test with another O.T. She used the results to focus the next phase of Natalie’s treatment.

As I said, finding Summer was blind luck. I didn’t, as Dr. Miller suggests, ask to see her resume, or ask her philosophy of treatment. I didn’t know enough to do so! Sometimes, fate intervenes, and you just get the right match on the first try. Here’s how “right” Summer was for Natalie: she did her master’s thesis on the needs of kids adopted from orphanages in Russia. Bingo!

As I’ve said before, Summer has been one of the most effective, helpful, knowledgeable, understanding...and on, and on, and on...professionals I’ve had the pleasure to deal with since Natalie came along.

But, for those of you who are still looking for a good O.T., check out Jenn’s blog. For more information about SPD, visit the SPD Foundation. To learn about SIPT, visit Western Psychological Services, the test’s publisher.

No Cracks, No Breaks!

My risk-taking girl seems to be immune to injury.

Despite Natalie’s ADHD-fueled tendency toward risky outdoor play, she’s never needed stitches. She’s never broken a bone. We’ve only been to the doctor for x-rays once. “No cracks, no breaks!” became a family refrain--a strange way of celebrating any near miss--for months after that particular experience.

She’s pushing her luck this spring, however. Jumping out of swings has become her new favorite pastime. And doing everything she can think of--while wearing in-line skates--is the other. Playing kickball--with skates on. Riding a scooter--while wearing skates. Picture that one, if you dare.

Natalie’s not a particularly coordinated child, a fact well-documented throughout her years of physical and occupational therapy. But what she lacks in coordination she makes up for 100-fold with ADHD energy and sheer will. This child who didn’t walk until well after her second birthday rode a bike without training wheels before her fifth. She just decided to do it--gravity and other laws of physics be damned.

Does you child with ADHD engage in creative-dangermaking? Please share your stories here!

I have to say, I can only hope that writing about Nat’s lack of serious injuries hasn’t jinxed us! I truly don’t want to have that kind of story to tell!

Picture Perfect

Check out Natalie--and her messy room--in the new issue of ADDitude.

Have you read the summer issue of ADDitude magazine yet? I received my copy in the mail a couple of days ago. Natalie is in it! Take a peek at her messy room on page 26. And look at that face! Yes, “easy to love, but hard to raise” sums her up pretty darn well.

Natalie’s good friend, the infamous Harry, made this issue as well, on page 21. As you’ll read in editor Wayne Kalyn’s letter to readers, the magazine is working to “foster a tighter sense of community by giving voice to [readers’] comments, opinions, and expertise.” I like these personal touches--peeks into the lives of real people (many of us--not just Nat and Harry!) I hope you do, too. I’m sure that, as always, Wayne and his staff would love to hear your feedback about this issue. [E-mail letters@additudemag.com with your comments.]

Quinn Bradlee’s new website got a mention in the Hyperfocus section on page 12. Makes me feel like I’m up on things! Although, clearly I’m not--as my week-long failure to blog proves. Anyway, here’s a final thought I had after reading Quinn’s book, A Different Life.

Quinn writes about his first sexual experience, which took place with a prostitute during a family vacation to St. Martins. He describes telling his parents about it the next morning, and how his parents, his mother in particular, reacted. This chapter of the book is the best example I’ve ever come across of a first-person perspective that demonstrates how kids (young adults, in this case) with differing abilities have social skills that differ. Quinn’s problems with reading social cues, his response to peer pressure, his desire to be liked (and to have sex!), and a lack of filtering his words (he told his mother!)--it’s all there in this one strangely innocent, distressing incident.

The retelling itself demonstrates how, even some time later, Quinn hasn’t really assimilated the complicated situation and everyone’s varied reaction to it. I don’t mean to be disrespectful of Quinn, and I admire his honesty in sharing his experiences, but this was just so “wrong” (I don’t mean morally) on so many levels! I found it quite painful to read, and I certainly felt for Quinn’s mother. I can’t imagine what she went through!

All I can say is, I’m glad Natalie’s only 8, and the toughest impulse we’re dealing with is kids on the bus and at school asking her for gum, and her desire to give them some so that they’ll like her. May she stay this age forever!