6 COMMENTS!

You Try Parenting an ADHD Kid

6 Comments:

• Posted by joyful - Jan 15 2009 @ 7:01 PM
  I feel your frustration..................
  Girl............. I cried this morning around 5:16 am. I am the mother of two ADD boys and very little support. Also, I am a single mom. Kay, it seems like people say the dumbest things to make you want to slap them. I can't believe what people feel free to say to me. Avoidance is good until you regroup and get strong again. I have been avoiding people since before the holidays and I feel much better able to cope with stupid (non ADHD parents and /or friends) people. Criticism comes when you least expect it, so sometimes it is good to say f--- off nicely with out actually saying it. :~) They will get the hint and not say too much about how you parent again. I always feel empowered when I say "you need to step away from me after saying what you said to me." People are not that stupid.........They step away or apologize. Either way, I said my peace. Kay, I hope this helps and not hurts. I know how painful pain can be. Look for the good in your child............
• Posted by Wildberry - Jan 15 2009 @ 9:38 AM
  You Try...
  It's amazing how many people do not believe ADHD is a real neurological problem. I've even met a psychologist who accepts her pediatrician father's prejudice against ADHD as an excuse for incompetent parenting. If you have lived with an ADHD child, you have seen the issue up close and know the truth. If you have attended a CHADD conference, you have seen the pictures of brain scans that show the significant chemical differences between neurotypical and ADHD brains. There is so much ignorance about ADHD in the population at large (out of every hundred kids, maybe only 5 or 6 have it, and out of every 100 adopted kids, maybe 30 have it); that is why I believe hanging with people who are in the trenches with ADHD is one of the best things you can do for yourself. CHADD has support groups in areas, and your blogging is a great way to meet other people who have walked in your shoes. CHADD also has a Parent to Parent class that is taught from time to time in different parts of the country; they have been training teachers for over five years. I took a class called "Love and Limits for the Challenging Child" that was taught by a counseling center in my area. It's hard to develop a tough skin when you are sleep deprived and in a virtual concentration camp of just trying to survive. You are doing more than that with your blogging, book writing and other activities; this makes you a highly functioning ADHD parent, in my mind. Our adopted daughter is 14 and was diagnosed with ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder and childhood phobias at the end of fourth grade. There are so many different dimensions to ADHD that it is a continual struggle just to get through a day, let alone wrap your mind around how the parenting for one child must be completely different from that for the other in order to minimize hostility and maintain some semblance of order. I read in a parenting magazine that in the normal course of dealing with one neurotypical child the primary caretaker can deal with a conflict every 20 minutes of the day. This alone can suck the emotional stamina out of your life. Any child will save their acting out for the person they feel the safest with--that would be you, mom. Cut yourself some slack, make sure your spouse steps up to the caretaking plate in an equitable manner, spend time doing things you love and that fill you up inside. Try to curb your desire to be the perfect mom (not easy), and forget the idea that you have to explain yourself or your child to anyone. Thank you for sharing your feelings, as it validates those of the rest of us. One thing I started that really seemed to help when my daughter was 10 was to keep a legal pad on the kitchen counter and log everything right my daughter did. At first sometimes all I felt like writing was "breathing," but it helped me to have a tool that could give positive feedback to my child. I would log in the date on the far left, and then write down whatever I felt positive about; some days had more things written than others. After a while, I would find my daughter stopping to read what was on the pad. This was one of the first things that I did to start crawling out of the hole I had been existing in.
• Posted by Audra - Jan 10 2009 @ 3:02 PM
  I feel your pain!
  Kay, I, too, have a son with ADHD. He's VERY bright, but doesn't use his talents to the fullest. Just like your situation, I have relatives that tell me that my son goes to bed on time when he's at their homes, but at home, he will stay up as late as he possibly can. I think that it has to do with the environment in which they feel comfortable. Yes, my son goes to bed earlier at my mom's house, but he doesn't have anything to do there. The possibility of stimulation is vastly reduced. God knows, when I'm at someone else's home, I go to bed earlier, too because I have nothing better to do! I have experienced MANY tears of frustration myself. Adults have treated my son worst than most kids would. My son's not disrespectful, but has an energetic side that most people truly don't undestand. I do believe that God gave me this child so that I can help others to understand these wonderful children. So, hang in there as we both pull out our hair! Audra
• Posted by princessrunningelephant - Jan 9 2009 @ 11:48 PM
  A Real Solution
  You sound upset, and you also sound like your all out of idea's. While I would not say that your are the reason your daughter acts as she does, I will say that no matter how low you feel, your daughter still has got to have a strong, role-model figure of a mother to look up to and respect, and therefore I will suggest that there should never be an end to your search to improve. As a mother, as a person. In all facets of life, improvement is the only thing that can make for a better life. I will suggest to you the most important book I have ever read, and this book will help you in extreme ways, to be the best you can ever possibly be: Scientology: Fundamentals of Thought. I know it sounds unconventional, but as a mother, I am sure you understand, of all people, that in order to have the best life for your children as well as yourself, you should try ANYTHING to improve. Don't give up, and let me tell you, there is absolutely NO HARM in reading a book. It just might change things in your life for the better. This book can save people.
• Posted by bookluvver2003 - Jan 9 2009 @ 5:03 PM
  It's not you
  It's not you. It's not your parenting. Have you ever considered attending therapy for yourself? One more thing to add to your already-full roster, I'm sure. But having a kind, caring person - even a friend - to spill to and reassure you can be such a stress reliever. My son was diagnosed with ADHD this summer. We go to a family therapist who meets with my husband and I for about 20 minutes; the rest of her time is spent with my son. I feel a huge relief going to those sessions - not only because my son is helped by them, but because of the validation I receive about my parenting. We're not perfect, and our therapist makes plenty of suggestions for how we could better help our son. But when we have cut back on everything else, this is a critical expense (we are one income and pay for all treatment and medications out of pocket) because it helps us keep our sanity when parenting an ADHD child. Kat, I enjoy your blog very much and I hope you find a strategy that helps you find peace.
• Posted by barry51 - Jan 9 2009 @ 2:20 PM
  A Joyful Point of View
  Dear One, I feel your pain.This is difficult for me to write, as I usually receive a lot of initial resistance when I relate this to people in person, however I was moved by your story. So, here goes. First of all, you are not the problem. Secondly, there is nothing wrong with Natalie. Please stay with me. Everything is a gift. Our job (job stands for Joy Of Being, not just over broke)is to find that gift in EVERYTHING. I am sure your daughter is a beautiful being. Find the unique gifts that she has to offer and embrace them. Don't those gifts outweigh any problems that she may have? Are you finding all the beauty and light that she is offering? Mine is a kind and loving God who would not fail to give that balance between gifts and challenges to every child. Our job, there is that word, again, is to look with clarity on every situation and to deal in awe and appreciation and acknowledge all aspects of the magnificent gifts we receive. As far as your friends go, try sharing the beauty of every part of your blessed daughter's life with them. Looking for and finding the gifts in everyday life is a habit that bears greater fruit with everyday that we practice it. Find that joy and share it. Find more joy tomorrow and share that, with your friends and especially your daughter. Thank you for letting me share. I feel better for it and I hope you do, too. I truly hope you are not saying "Easy for him. He is not in my shoes." While you are absolutely correct, please consider that I am usually sharing this with Stage 4 cancer patients. Life is joy if we allow it to be. be in joy, barry