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ADHD Parenting Blog
A blog about parenting a lovable, exhausting child with ADHD.
Kay is the author of one (so far!) children's picture book, and finds other writing opportunities to legitimize the time she wastes communing with her laptop and drinking coffee (Sumatran, with creme) at Stomping Grounds several mornings each week. Her husband, Don, a landscape architect, may not always understand about her inability to cope with this very nice life, but supports her, without question, anyway. Kay has recurring dreams that it's the last day of vacation, and she hasn’t played in the ocean yet. She always misses the flight home. She loves reading (see a list of recent favorites on her website), eating Breyer's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, sleeping in, and Club Night (drinking wine and eating gourmet food with three other couples). She's thankful for her extended family, good friends, and reliable babysitters. Kay’s life may look picture-perfect, but one of her biggest blessings - being Natalie’s mom - is also her biggest challenge! Kay blogs about living in knee-deep clutter, the full-time job of managing Nat's special services, Nat's intense neediness (“MOM-EEEEEEEEE!”) and (oh, I nearly forgot) mothering her other child, and how she copes - or doesn't - with this picture-perfect life. Recent Blog Posts
Howie Mandell opens up about his experience with ADHD and OCD -- special extras from ADDitude's interview with the celebrity. Reader be warned: Here’s another plug for the Spring 2010 issue of ADDitude magazine! Howie Mandell is the focus of this issue’s “In Their Words: ADDers sound off on family, work, life” (p.13), an ADDitude regular feature. Out of ADDitude’s whole stable of writers, I was somehow the writer to draw this great gig -- taking down Howie’s words as he talked about how ADHD and OCD impact his relationship with his wife of 30 years and his three (adult) children, his career, his new book, and why he’s an activist for mental health awareness. (Imagine this -- ADDitude’s editor asks if I’d be “willing” to interview Howie Mandell for a piece in the magazine. Are you kidding me? No, I have to give the cat a bath that day. I think I’ll pass. No one else in the free world is willing to do it? Oh, okay, I guess I can squeeze it in, but you’ll owe me.) It was a joy to talk with Mandell, though he was surprisingly serious. Here’s some dirt that didn’t make it into the magazine. Picture Howie Mandell as a kid -- frenetic, funny. Now, imagine you’re his teacher. How would you deal with the ADHD-inspired class clown? Here's what Mandell had to say about his past school deviance when I asked him in our interview. Howie Mandell: I wasn’t an easy child. My behavior in school and at home was not to be applauded. But my parents were incredibly supportive. I don’t have a high school diploma, and I’m sure that’s not a source of pride for them, but I never felt any less loved and supported by them than I would have had I gone on to higher education. I didn’t finish high school because I am, and always was, incredibly impulsive. It’s really hard for me to focus and listen for any length of time; to sit for any length of time. I spent more time in the [principal's] office than in the classroom. One of my last pranks was, I didn’t want to go swimming, so -- this was years before Caddy Shack came out -- I threw a candy bar in the pool, and you can imagine what that looked like. After the whole school was gathered around trying to figure out who defecated in the pool, I dived in and came up with it in my mouth. I thought it was funny at the time, but the administration didn’t. Now, does that give us some perspective? Imagine getting that phone call from school about your ADHD kid’s behavior! Stay tuned: More on Howie Mandell -- in his own words -- in my next post. What is the most impulsive stunt your ADHD child has pulled. Share in in a comment below, or connect with other parents in the ADDitude forums.
Parenting blogger Kay Marner shares her reading list for anyone seeking extra advice for parenting ADHD children. Has your Spring 2010 issue of ADDitude magazine arrived? When it does, turn to page 21 for a parenting pep-talk from everyone’s favorite ADHD expert, Dr. Ned Hallowell. In his column, Dr. Hallowell acknowledges that parenting a kid with ADHD isn’t easy -- it’s a marathon, not a sprint—and provides tips to help parents stay strong though out the race. I’m a big fan of Dr. Hallowell’s work, but I once took him to task in this blog. When I first came across his last book (co-authored by Peter S. Jensen), Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child, I found the title to be a super-turn off. "Superparenting" sounded to me like just another super-expectation that I wasn’t up to meeting. “How can he not get it?” I remember thinking. Of course, my first impression of that book was wrong. It turned out to be an inspiring read. Hallowell gets what it’s like to parent a kid with ADHD. And somehow, Hallowell’s affirmation that we’re running a parenting-marathon is just as important as his concrete tips for coping to help me keep on keeping on. Read the article in the new issue of ADDitude and see if you agree. A newly-revised edition of Hallowell and frequent co-author John J. Ratey’s book of ADHD FAQ’s, Answers to Distraction, was released two weeks ago. It’s on my must-read list. Look for it, along with his other ADHD classics, at your library or bookstore. What is your favorite book of ADHD parenting advice? Share your comments below. Or visit the ADDitude forums to connect with other ADHD parents.
Will my ADHD child ever learn to entertain herself? "Play with Me" - The ADHD Child's Battle Cry Natalie has to be doing something every waking moment, and she’s almost never willing (or able?) to do that something alone. Is this true for your child with ADHD? I know kids with ADHD need structure, but for Natalie, the need seems to be more about stimulation than structure, and more about being dependent upon one-on-one interaction with someone on her preferred-playmate list. Playing with a friend is, of course, her ideal scenario. But if no friend can play, watch out. Natalie’s nine years old, for goodness sake, and Don and I still practice tag-team parenting in order to complete basic household chores. Don entertains Natalie so that I can load the dishwasher. Tag. I take over play duty so Don can drive Aaron to basketball practice. Tag. I have to hire a babysitter if I want to work -- from home -- when Natalie’s here. And, I have to deal with the fall-out when I’m too tired or too busy to give Natalie the whole-hearted energy and attention that she demands. Her reaction to a lack of attention and stimulation is near panic. Last night was a case in point. None of Nat’s friends were available to play. Don had an evening meeting. I was ON. I was IT. Energetic playmate! Imaginative entertainer! No cooking or kitchen clean-up allowed. No time or attention diverted to my other child. No reading the evening paper. No catching the TV news. Or else -- put up with Nat’s whining. Clinging to me. Hanging on me. She becomes un-grounded; un-centered -- giggling uncontrollably -- at nothing. Wiggling frantically, like she’s lost control of her body and her limbs are in danger of flying off. Escalating, escalating until I feel like screaming. This morning, I thought with relief, tonight will be different. Allie is coming from 4:30 p.m. to 7:30 pm. for a respite. She’ll be the one who’s ON. Nat was happy to hear it. “I want Allie to play with me,” she said. “I want Allie to play play play play play play play play plaaaaaayyyyyy with me.” After school (early-out day, 2:05 p.m. dismissal) I was once again 100 percent ON -- until Allie came for respite time. Then, I cooked a good supper. I watched a little TV with Aaron and listened to him talk sports. I left the house for an hour-and-a-mocha. I didn’t scream -- or even feel like screaming -- once. Will Natalie ever learn to provide her own structure and stimulation; to entertain herself? How can I help her learn to do so? How old was your child with ADHD when this skill began to develop? Or, like me, are you still in the entertain-me-trenches? Share your experiences in a comment below. Or visit the ADHD forums to connect with other parents.
The "Howard B. Wigglebottom" books teach our ADHD children that it’s okay to be different -- that they’re perfect just the way they are. Natalie was so tired last night (an unusual occurrence for Little Miss Energy) that she actually let me choose the books we read together at bedtime (ditto!). I was in the mood for Llama Llama Red Pajamas, but couldn’t find it. Darn. That turned out to be okay, though, because I came across another favorite we hadn’t read in awhile; Howard B. Wigglebottom Listens to His Heart. In Howard B. Wigglebottom Listens to His Heart, the second book in the Howard B. Wigglebottom series, Howard finds, like our ADHD children often do, that he hops to beat of a different drummer. Or, in this case, he dances. Dancing is what this rabbit loves best; but when his peers make fun of his dancing, he swears to never dance again. (You'll have to read the book to find out how Howard learns to listen to his heart, and gains the confidence to keep on dancing.) This is a great story to teach our kids that it’s okay to be different; that they’re perfect just the way they are. Beside, who wouldn’t rather be a wiggly rabbit (even one who hops to the beat of a different drummer) than an anonymous sheep in a whole flock of ‘em, anyway! There are now four books in the Howard B. Wigglebottom series. I wrote previously in my ADHD Parenting blog about the first book, Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns to Listen, a beautifully illustrated book that takes a fun, silly approach to introducing basic listening skills. Next came Howard B. Wigglebottom Listens to His Heart, and then Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns about Bullies. The newest in the series (which I haven’t seen yet), released January 15, 2010, is Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns about Mud and Rainbows. All are written by Howard Binkow, and illustrated by Susan F. Cornelison. (I absolutely love her illustrations!). Check out wedolisten.com to enjoy animated versions of the books, as well as lots of other free extras. With a name like Wigglebottom, it’s no surprise that Howard B. is a character our children with ADHD will connect with. Natalie sure does! What stories do your children love to read? What great lessons have you been able to teach after sharing a book together? Share your experiences in a comment below. Plus connect with other ADHD parents on our ADD forums.
A certain percentage of impulsive ADHD kids are going to try it — touching tongue to cold metal. A few weeks ago, Natalie threw open the front door, excited to welcome her ADHD friend Harry to our house. Let the fun begin! She was greeted by a very strange sight. Harry walked in, with his eyes and mouth wide open, and his tongue sticking out—way out—with fully two thirds of its surface seeping bright red blood. “Harry! What happened?” I asked. “He’s bleeding!” I said to Harry’s mom, Victoria, as she followed, as usual, at least 50 paces behind. As I ran for paper towels, Harry, holding his pose, turned to show Victoria his tongue. “Did you bite your tongue?” Victoria asked. Tongue still stuck out—way out--Harry shook his head. I handed him the paper towels, and guided him to blot his tongue. The blood kept on seeping. I hustled him to the kitchen sink; handed him a glass of cool water. “Swish some water around in your mouth and spit it out,” I said. He didn’t. He plunged his tongue into the glass of water instead, and a mucus-y pink immediately clouded the water. Harry hadn’t altered his expression—eyes wide, mouth open, tongue all way out. It hit Victoria and I at the same time. “Harry,” Victoria said, “Did you stick your tongue on the door?” Harry shook his head again, and pantomimed a long, narrow strip. “The frame of the window next to the door?” Victoria interpreted. This time Harry nodded. (I looked for, and found, tiny white raised dots of frozen tongue-flesh on the metal surface several days later!) “Do you need to come home with me?” Victoria asked. Harry shook his head. He wasn’t about to let a mere flood of blood interfere with his play date with Natalie. The blood eventually slowed, then stopped. Harry finally allowed his tongue to re-enter the sanctuary of his mouth. He babied his tongue with applesauce and yogurt while the rest of us ate supper. Last night, Harry and Natalie were missing each other fiercely, so even though there was only a short time until Nat’s Tae Kwon Do lesson, Harry once again came over to play. Don arrived home from work, and we sat down for a family-plus-Harry meal. “Harry, this is the best I’ve ever seen you eat! I’ve known you since you were 3, that’s 6 years; but I’ve never seen you eat such a good meal!” I said. Harry suffers more than Natalie from the appetite suppressing effects of ADHD meds, but my compliment led him to reach for seconds. Then, to emphasize just what a feat he was performing, Harry said, “Yeah, and my tongue is still tender from (dramatic pause) that accident.” A certain percentage of kids are going to try it—touching tongue to cold metal-once. And with their ADHD impulsivity, our kids are likely to find themselves within that elite group. (Or, maybe it was just Harry being Harry!)
I was both apprehensive and trilled when my ADHD daughter was invited on a girls-only shopping trip. Should I let her go, or should I say no? When Natalie’s friend Lindzey invited Nat to celebrate her 9th birthday with a mom-and-the-girls shopping trip to Jordan Creek Mall in Des Moines, I was both thrilled and terrified. The thrill: A typically-developing friend…an age appropriate activity. The terror: Due to her ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder, Natalie is prone to becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated by shopping, and she falls apart. What if she screams and cries and she can’t calm down? Will Lindzey’s mom, Ledah, know how to help her? Will Lindzey tell all the kids at school? Bye-bye typically-developing friend. Bye-bye age appropriate activities. Should I let her go, or should I say no? What would you do? I decided to take a chance; give Natalie a chance -- to have a great experience. I told Ledah that Natalie might need breaks, and encouraged Nat to tell Ledah when that was the case. I gave Natalie some spending money. I crossed my fingers. The outing was mostly successful. Both girls came home with a new Build-a-Bear, and with matching Aeropostale t-shirts. Nat did get upset, when Ledah told her she didn’t have enough money to buy skinny jeans. But, it turns out, so did Lindzey, when they couldn’t find the Ugg boots she wanted for her birthday. They both eventually got over it, with no harm done. Now, when Natalie wears her Aeropostale t-shirt, I’m reminded—Natalie and Lindzey aren’t so different, after all.
Do you believe artificial sweeteners cause hyperactivity in your child with ADHD? In my last blog post, I offered a whole list of precipitating factors that might explain the extra-challenging ADHD behavior Natalie has been wreaking on our household of late. Now I have a new theory. Could an artificial sweetener be the culprit? Don and I both love the Nu-Val food rating system that the Hy-Vee grocery store chain implemented recently. We use it to guide almost all of our product choices at our local Hy-Vee. Here’s how it works: nearly every food product in the store is assigned a nutritional rating, or NuVal, between 1 and 100, with 100 being the best. The ratings are posted on the shelf label, right next to each item’s price. Ratings are based on stuff like the food’s fat, fiber, and sugar content, as well as various nutrients the food provides. It’s a great tool for people wanting to eat a healthy “normal” diet, but it’s so/so if you’re trying to provide your child with an ADHD-friendly diet. While it does factor in some stuff our kids need, such as Omega 3s, it doesn’t subtract points for food kids with ADHD should avoid—specifically, artificial colors, especially red #40, and artificial sweeteners. Normally, the Nu-Val rating rules when I’m choosing groceries; but I have to be careful. While I’ve learned to squint at the ingredient list of every potentially suspect product, my husband Don is still learning what to look out for. When he does the grocery shopping, he doesn’t always remember the areas where Nu-Val and Natalie’s needs part ways. Don came home from the grocery store recently with artificially sweetened applesauce. “That’s a no-no,” I said. “But the Nu-Val score was a lot higher,” he countered. That doesn’t matter, in this case. I asked him to buy the natural, unsweetened kind—just apples and water—next time. On his next grocery run, he bought artificially sweetened frozen fruit bars. “Don’t you remember?” I prompted. “Artificial sweeteners might be bad for Natalie?” “But the Nu-Val score was much higher!” he argued. After what happened during the last few days, I’m pretty sure he’ll remember next time. Natalie loved the sugar-free frozen fruit bars. She ate 3 of them at a time, several nights running. Was it a coincidence that she was also so hyperactive for a few days that it was if she was un-medicated? “Did you give Natalie her medicine?” I asked Don on Sunday morning. He assured me that he had. A little while later, I asked again, “Are you sure you gave the right medicine? One Ritalin LA, the capsule, and one Risperdal, the little orangish tablet?” He was sure. If she took her medication correctly then what the heck was going on with her behavior, I wondered, for the hundredth time. Last night, when Nat went to the freezer and took out a frozen fruit bar, it hit me. Could it be that the artificial sweetener in those bars is causing this? After all, Nat has been eating a ton of them. I booted up my computer, and typed the words “artificial sweetener hyperactivity” into Google. Boy, did I get hits. My brief skimming of the info on several websites revealed that the evidence against artificial sweeteners is more anecdotal than proven science. But if there’s the slightest chance that the recent turn-for-the-worse in Nat’s behavior could be related to her fruit bar binge, then I’ll dedicate my life to making sure artificial sweetener never passes through her lips again. I threw the last remaining bar into the garbage. Do you believe artificial sweeteners cause hyperactivity in your child with ADHD?
It was a really hard week, for Natalie, with her ADHD, and for me, her crabby mama. Was it her or was it me? All I know is that it was a really hard week, for Natalie, with her ADHD, and for me, her crabby mama. Natalie was needy, I was irritable. I had stuff to do, Natalie had two snow days home from school. Natalie wanted high-energy, the-excitement-never-ends, 24/7 entertainment. It was too cold to play outside. The neighborhood kids couldn’t play--Lindzey was in Florida, Kate at daycare, Bekah just didn’t want to play. What’s more, one of our respite providers, Hannah, was also in Florida (celebrating her engagement to Adam—congratulations you two!) and another, Allie, was snowed-in at her parent’s rural home. This left me, and only me, to drop everything, and be On! On! On! Turns out I just wasn’t up to the challenge. Natalie became a devil child, and I turned into a monster mom. I couldn’t stand to be with Natalie, and she couldn’t stand to not be touching, hanging on to me for a single moment. She whined incessantly. I yelled. I started having desperate, stupid, unrealistic thoughts (I have to call somebody and ask for an emergency foster-care placement. Or, I’m going to put her in the car and drive her to (my sister) Ann’s house—90 miles in dangerous road conditions--and tell Ann that if she wants to continue to have a niece, she’d better keep her for a few days. (Those thoughts are by far the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever revealed in this blog, but sadly, they’re true. This would be a rather extreme over-reaction at any time, but was especially stupid given the fact that my husband would be home in a matter of hours to help out.) How did things get so bad last week? Here’s my theory. From Nat’s perspective:
And from my side of the situation:
I desperately needed help, and finally, I found a way to get it. A neighborhood girl, Rachael, came over and played with Nat while I hid out in my room. (When Nat heard the doorbell ring, she went from monster to angel in 3 seconds flat!) Allie put in a few hours of respite the next day, coming over the minute the snow plow finally opened the road to her house. Yesterday, Nat spent most of the day at her friend Harry’s house. Don has been around this weekend to help out. More time with Rachael this afternoon, while Don and I work at a coffee shop. Natalie was hyper as hell today, but I think I’m okay again. As long as there aren’t any snow days next week, I should be able to stay that way. This whole nasty experience just go to show, once again, that consistent structure is vital to kids with ADHD. Regular respite is important for their parents. And, when a kid with ADHD has a mom who’s a coping-wimp, that ol’ village we’re always hearing about (the one it takes to raise a child) is most important thing in the world.
Unfortunately, in the world of waivers, skilled ADHD pediatricians don’t trump mental-health professionals. Our family receives respite services through a Children’s Mental Health Waiver to help us cope with the “fringe benefits” of Natalie’s ADHD. A couple of years ago, when the letter arrived informing us that Natalie’s name had hit the top of the waiting list for this program, I was thrilled. But, wait. There were hoops to jump through before we could get started, including confirming Natalie’s ADHD diagnosis. "I’ll get a letter from her pediatrician," I said. "That won’t suffice," came the reply. The diagnosis must be made by a mental health professional. Pediatricians aren’t supervised by Masters-level mental health workers during their training. So, we’d see a mental health professional. No big deal, right? Well, to Natalie, it was. Being exposed to new adults is a stressor for her. The anxiety it causes translates directly into acting-out behavior — stealing is one example. If Natalie needed an evaluation in order to guide her treatment, I argued, subjecting her to that stress would be a valid trade-off. But her pediatrician was dead-on in her diagnosis and treatment. Seeing yet another professional would be 100% in service to bureaucracy, 0% direct benefit to Natalie. Factor in the stress on Natalie and needless expense, and I became a little indignant. Don’t pediatricians trump mental health professionals? Ours should. In addition to her full time practice, she’s treated kids with ADHD in statewide clinics coordinated by a highly respected medical school for nearly 20 years. Unfortunately, in the world of waivers, pediatricians don’t trump mental health professionals. And Moms’ protective instincts, no matter how fierce, never trump government bureaucracy. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve repeated Natalie’s complete history to yet another stranger? Natalie is doing exceptionally well right now. But since adding Risperdal (thank you God!) to her med regime means that Nat’s now taking three medications, our pediatrician feels it’s time for her to see a child psychiatrist. That’s fine. Yes, that means exposing her to another new person, but it’s clearly for her benefit. I have no complaints about making sure her medications are as safe and effective as possible. But, it also means seeing another social worker to gather background info for the psychiatrist. In a different city, an hour away. Two appointments. Nat misses two half-days of school. Add in the stress factor and I do have a problem with all that. Nat was excited and happy (about missing school, not about the appointment!) when I picked her up from school yesterday for the drive to Des Moines. But, the closer we got to Des Moines, and the actual appointment became imminent, Nat’s behavior deteriorated quickly. First, she started rocking. Rocked so hard that the car went jerk-jerk-jerk-jerk. Then, she took off her shirts, two layers. Shoes…off. They flew into the front seat. Sweet little feet clad in Valentine’s Day socks thrust repeatedly into my side, my face. Silliness, laughter. Loud, nonsensical vocalizations. We reached the office, and parked, “I’m scared!” Almost late, because I had to get Nat re-dressed and into her shoes and coat. In the waiting room—Nat un-bent a paperclip, and dragged the sharp metal point across the play table, the wallpaper, an original painting, until I wrestled it away in exchange for pen and paper. Oops, she nearly scribbled on the wall. Touch! Touch! Touch! Fingers pushing against the painting’s canvas. Finally, appointment time. Whew! Was this the same Natalie whose behavior has been so much better lately? As the appointment winds down, I ask the perfectly nice social worker, "Can I come to the second appointment alone?" "You could," she admits, "except that insurance won’t pay if the child isn’t here." “I’m never going there again, and that’s final!” Nat says, later, as I tuck her into bed. Oh boy. We get to do it all again next Thursday. What bugs me to no end is that I arrived at the appointment with a very detailed, comprehensive, up-to-date, six-page report from Natalie’s psychological evaluation in hand. (Doesn’t a PhD trump an MSW?) Of course, I know that every agency or practice is required to produce their own intake summary, that’s just the way it works. Complaining about it or resisting it won’t change anything. But don’t you agree that in a sane world, children's mental health services would be, first and foremost, of service to the child?
Unlike traditional video games, a Wii provides a good indoor outlet for my daughter's extra ADHD energy. I know that too much screen time can be a problem for some kids with ADHD, so I was surprised when, not one, but two professionals Natalie works with recommended we buy her a Wii. First, her former occupational therapist, Summer, made the suggestion. The yoga and balance games on Wii Fit will both be perfect to help Natalie to work on the same skills at home that she was learning in therapy. The second recommendation came from Natalie’s psychologist, Dr. Phillips. I told him that, despite darkness, cold temps, and snow, I was taking Natalie outside to play most evenings. She just can’t expend enough energy indoors, I told him, which is already making for a long winter. In response, he asked what Natalie has in the way of electronics. I expected him to reiterate the evils of video games. But, no! Instead, he said that, unlike traditional video games, a Wii could provide a good indoor outlet for Nat’s extra ADHD energy. Santa must have been listening outside Dr. Phillips’ office door, because a Wii showed up under the Christmas tree, complete with Wii Sports, Wii Fit, and Ultimate Dance Party. This gaming system has already proven its worth, as below-zero temperatures have kept us inside for more than a week--no sledding or building snow forts. Playing Wii instead definitely provided Natalie with much needed exercise --she played boxing so much on the first day that she woke up the next morning with sore arm muscles! It looks like Wii will keep our sanity this winter, after all. « All Blogs |
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Kay Marner is the chronically overwhelmed mother of two: her neurotypical, very bright, biological son Aaron; and her one-of-a-kind daughter Natalie, adopted from Russia, who has ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, and developmental delays.