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ADHD Parenting Blog
A blog about parenting a lovable, exhausting child with ADHD.
Kay is the author of one (so far!) children's picture book, and finds other writing opportunities to legitimize the time she wastes communing with her laptop and drinking coffee (Sumatran, with creme) at Stomping Grounds several mornings each week. Her husband, Don, a landscape architect, may not always understand about her inability to cope with this very nice life, but supports her, without question, anyway. Kay has recurring dreams that it's the last day of vacation, and she hasn’t played in the ocean yet. She always misses the flight home. She loves reading (see a list of recent favorites on her website), eating Breyer's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, sleeping in, and Club Night (drinking wine and eating gourmet food with three other couples). She's thankful for her extended family, good friends, and reliable babysitters. Kay’s life may look picture-perfect, but one of her biggest blessings - being Natalie’s mom - is also her biggest challenge! Kay blogs about living in knee-deep clutter, the full-time job of managing Nat's special services, Nat's intense neediness (“MOM-EEEEEEEEE!”) and (oh, I nearly forgot) mothering her other child, and how she copes - or doesn't - with this picture-perfect life. Recent Blog Posts
Are ADHD parents, who think fast, at an advantage over a slow-thinker like me when it comes to parenting fast-moving ADHD kids? Parenting an ADHD child demands quick thinking, and my brain likes to pick the worst possible times to react slowly -- or, even worse, go completely blank. My ADHD daughter Natalie grabs the cat and squeezes too hard. “Let him go, Natalie.” She keeps squeezing. “He’s going to bite you!” She flips him over, tummy up, and tries to kiss him on his kitty-lips. “Let Smokey go before I count to five or...” Or what? Her Nintendo DS is broken; I can’t take that away. It’s pouring rain, so she won’t care if I take away her electric scooter. She has Tae Kwon Do tonight, so I can’t take away playing with friends -- she won’t have time to do so anyway. What else? What else? Think! By the time I come up with an effective “or I’ll,” we’ve moved on to “get down off the counter before I...” Before I what? Those everyday brain-blips are frustrating, but my neuro-traffic jams are really tough when Natalie’s in the throes of a major meltdown. My molasses-brain could result in Natalie hurting herself or me, breaking toys or dishes, shoving tables into walls, tipping over chairs. I have one final fall-back strategy for those times when my brain fails me, when I can’t come up with a parenting strategy effective enough, fair enough, creative enough. It’s love. I simply hold (read: restrain) Natalie, make sure my hands, cheek, or lips are touching skin, close my eyes, and concentrate as hard as I can on filling her with love. Does it help? Not a bit. It does absolutely nothing. But as the last resort of a slow-thinker, I could do worse. I wonder -- are ADHD parents, who think fast anyway, at an advantage over a slow-thinker like me when it comes to parenting fast-moving kids with ADHD?
Were you aware that ADHD can be considered a disability under Social Security guidelines? But do you think of your child as being “disabled”? Did you know that it is possible for some ADHD children to be determined disabled by Social Security standards, thus qualifying them for monthly benefits, and in most states, for Medicaid? A friend of mine recently took her ADHD child for an evaluation at a well-respected specialized school. She’d like to enroll him for a six week stint in their program, but the tuition is hefty, and, with the school being in another state, they’d have significant living expenses for an extended stay away from home. Although they could come up with the money -- once -- if they absolutely had to, choosing to spend it on this school program would be a pretty radical decision, with far-reaching financial implications, for any middle or even upper-middle class household. So, my friend asked a school representative how other families manage to pay for their services. One answer was that they do so by going to court. Some families argue successfully that their school system is required to fund the tuition under IDEA. Others apply for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) benefits for their child, and then use the benefits to pay for any number of special services and treatments that aren’t covered by medical insurance, the school system, and so on. While I’ve been extremely thankful for the government assistance (Medicaid funds through a Children’s Mental Health Waiver) we’ve received to help pay for Natalie’s services, I’ve always felt a little guilty about accepting the help. We aren’t rich, but we also aren’t destitute. Intellectually, I believe that if a program exists, and experts determine that Natalie qualifies for it, we should take advantage of it. But I still sometimes wonder: By accepting help, are we taking services away from children who need the help more than we do? Now, I have this new dilemma. Given Natalie's ADHD and co-existing conditions, and her school performance, I think it’s possible she would qualify for SSI benefits. But is applying for the benefits the right thing to do? Do I want to take more government money? Does our family “deserve” to? And, do I want the word “disabled” attached to my daughter, even if it’s kept confidential in some Social Security Administration computer? I’m not going to make a decision about applying for this benefit yet. In two weeks, I have an appointment to learn the results of Natalie’s psychological testing. That will give me more information to guide my choice. And, I haven’t even mentioned the topic to my husband. He’ll need time to mull it over, get more information, and maybe even talk it over with another good friend who has a disabled child. Besides, Natalie is only nine. We can always start the application process later, if we decide to do so. Were you aware that ADHD can be considered a disability under Social Security guidelines? Have you applied for benefits for your ADHD child? Will you look into doing so, now that you read this? Are you conflicted about whether or not you “deserve” help, or are you simply grateful when your child qualifies for assistance? Do you think of your child as being “disabled”? It’s a lot to think about, isn’t it?
I hereby bestow upon Benjamin “Benny” Wegner the title of Honorary Therapy Dog, in recognition of his performing therapeutic interventions on my ADHD daughter. After school last Friday, Natalie left for a respite weekend at her Aunt Ann’s house. As I’m still recovering from gallbladder surgery, and Don was away for a guys’ weekend with friends, I was looking forward to the break from the demands of ADHD parenting. The timing couldn’t have been better -- from my perspective. But, from Natalie’s point of view, the timing wasn’t great. She’d had a very difficult week, both at school and, to a lesser degree, at home. She had a couple of days at school where, no matter how the teacher tried to help, Natalie couldn’t settle down enough to concentrate on anything. And Thursday evening, during her respite time with her (20 year old) cousin Hannah, she let loose the old fit-throwing monster: she threw a book at Hannah, shoved the dining room table, and refused to go to her room for a time-out. Hannah almost had to call in her special ed teacher mom, Natalie’s Aunt Teresa, for back-up, but ended up handling it herself. After racking my brain to figure out what could possibly be going on in this child’s head to explain this behavior, I decided it must be a delayed reaction to my surgery. She wakes up in the morning to find mom gone. Mom’s in the hospital; hospitals scare her to death. She misses school, visits mom in the hospital several times, and doesn’t know what to make of this mom who can’t move without groaning, whose lap can’t be sat on, who you can’t bump with your wiggly elbows and knees. Yeah, I’d say that’s enough to throw off a kid who, like many ADHD children, has problems coping with change. So, from Natalie’s perspective, staying home -- with a nearly-back-to-normal mom -- and following her regular routine would probably have been preferable. So, I wasn’t surprised that when it was time to leave for Aunt Ann’s on Friday after school, Nat put on her sad face. No, she wasn’t ready to go. Not yet. Just wait. I was afraid she’d decide she wasn’t going, and then what would I do? But, no! “Do you know why I’m kind of excited to go to Aunt Ann’s?” Natalie asked. “No. Why?” I said. “Because I can pretend that Benny is my dog.” Benny is Aunt Ann and Uncle Fred’s one and a half year old Cavachon, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel/Bichon Frise mix. Benny, you’re my hero! I hereby bestow upon Benjamin “Benny” Wegner the title of Honorary Therapy Dog, in recognition of his performing the following therapeutic interventions:
The weekend went well, both for me, and for Natalie. Benny will probably spend the day sleeping. He deserves a rest. He did his therapy dog job, and did it well. Thanks, Benny!
Although we thank everyone who shared their most effective classroom accommodations for ADHD kids, these lucky five will receive free downloads of ADDitude’s ADHD at School eBook. It’s time to announce the winners of ADDitude’s Back-to-School IEP Challenge! Back in August, we invited readers to share IEP accommodations that help their ADHD children succeed in school. Five parents were chosen at random from the more 30 responses we received by contest end, on September 30. Although we would like to thank everyone who took the time to comment, those lucky five will receive a free download of ADDitude’s ADHD at School eBook as a show of our appreciation. And the winners are: 1. JLHoover: Her third grader feels less rushed and can focus on spelling tests when she’s pulled out of the classroom to take them. 2. Lisa Gibson from Littleton, Colo.: Lisa’s son receives incentives for completing work at school, which greatly reduces homework hassles. 3. Gina Houx-Kotarski from Dolores, Colo.: Gina contributed several great IEP strategies, including obtaining a second set of books to keep at home, and having teachers fill out daily check-in sheets. The most thought provoking of her ideas, I thought, was to include her kids in their IEP meetings. That way, they can let their teachers know the best ways to support them. Plus, it gives kids ownership over the meetings -- which may help boost their self-esteem -- and sets the tone right from the start that everyone is working as a team toward a common goal. 4. Elaine Vakalopoulos from Dennisport, Mass.: This mom insisted on a thorough evaluation and Early Intervention for her adopted son. The payoff for her advocacy is a plan that sounds fabulous. Imagine this: scheduled “motor breaks” in a sensory room equipped with a swing, trampoline, and the like! 5. Cecil Huston: This mom took on a leadership role in IEP meetings. She prepares her own agenda, guaranteeing that she will be allowed time to discuss issues that she sees as priorities, in addition to those of the rest of the team. What bright, committed, caring parents! Congratulations to them, and thanks again to everyone who contributed. And don’t forget, we’ve compiled all your great tips into a web-only article, "IEP Accommodations: What Works for Us." We'll continue the exchange of IEP ideas in that story, so check back often. Keep up the awesome advocacy, moms and dads!
So far, I haven’t found a magic bullet for treating Natalie’s ADHD and other special needs. Besides, it’s hard to hit a moving target. A couple weeks ago, I emailed a fellow blogger mom, Jenn Choi. I'd been reading a lot about a parenting approach for ADHD kids that sounds fabulous. It’s one of those deals where you buy a set of CDs, and learn the system by listening to the CDs. They’re pricey, but for good reason. Experts should earn a decent living from imparting their wisdom to others. But, should I invest my money in this, my latest promising discovery? Jenn owns the CDs, so I asked her what she thought. She thought just what I thought she would think. The CDs are great. But, they’re probably not a magic bullet. Some people seem to find a magic bullet for treating their child’s ADHD. For some, ADHD medication cures all ills. For others, a certain supplement is “the answer” for their child. The CDs I was researching are backed up by heartfelt testimonials from parents across the country. They change lives for some. So far, I haven’t found a magic bullet for treating Natalie’s ADHD and other special needs. Besides, it’s hard to hit a moving target. One day I’m looking for the perfect sleep aid, the next for handwriting help. This week, it’s managing angry outbursts, the next it’s dealing with all impulsivity, all the time. I have spent a considerable amount of money already on therapies that I hoped would be magic bullets. Therapeutic listening, with its specialized headphones and CDs, had the potential to work wonders for a variety of Natalie’s issues. She didn’t like following the listening protocol, and I didn’t have the energy to make her follow through. I recouped some money by selling our barely-used equipment to another family. We were able to borrow a weighted blanket from a friend instead of buying one. In theory, it made sense for Natalie, and it may have helped calm her, the first or second time we used it. But it wasn’t "the answer." On subsequent trials, it had no effect. We returned it with our thanks. I’ve ordered yoga DVDs for calming, several different CDs to help with sleep, and fidget toys for focus. I tried chia seeds for Omega-3s. All different kinds of pencil grips. Rubbery things for Natalie to chew on for oral stimulation. I meant to install some therapy swings in the basement, but again, lacked the follow though to find a contractor to install the proper hook on a ceiling beam. Therapists -- we’re on number three. Meds -- too many to count. I decided not to bite the bullet, not to try these particular magic bullet CDs. For now, anyway. Instead, I’ll do what seems doable, what feels reasonable to me, today. And I’ll try not to beat myself up for not trying harder, trying more -- newer -- better. Until the next time I feel the pull of magic.
I’m going for a world record here -- let’s create the longest list of IEP accommodations for ADHD students. Okay, okay! I’m late again -- this time on announcing the winners of ADDitude’s Back-to-School IEP Challenge. But I have an excuse, beyond my self-diagnosed ADHD by Proxy. I said good-bye to my gallbladder last week, and have been resting both mind and body. Now, I’m about halfway back to normal, for what that’s worth! Back to normal means back to blogging, thankfully, so here goes: ADDitude’s Back-to-School IEP Challenge ended September 30, with more than 30 parents contributing their hard-earned wisdom about IEP accommodations that work -- in the real world -- for real ADHD children. Thanks to everyone who commented. There’s a wealth of information there. Here’s an excerpt from one of my favorite ideas: “My son's special ed teacher adopted a new plan this year inspired by my son's love for LEGOS. For every day that he does not get a time out, he gets a LEGO piece. After 10 pieces have been earned he gets to take them home. He brought his first baggie of LEGOS home last week and was so PROUD!” Rather than let this, and the other great ideas readers generated disappear into the archives, we’ve compiled a web-only article summarizing the results. Keep adding your comments, and we’ll incorporate them into the article. I’m going for a world record here -- let’s create the longest list of IEP accommodations on the Web. You can read the article, "IEP Accommodations That Really Work," here. I hope you’ll return to it often to contribute and receive new ideas! Five of the parents who participated in the IEP Challenge have been selected at random to receive a free download of ADDitude’s ADHD at School eBook. And the winners...will be announced on Wednesday! Please stop back!
These five goal-setting winners will receive either a one year subscription to ADDitude magazine, a copy of ADDitude's ADHD at School eBook, or ADDitude's ADHD Treatment eBook. September 30 has come and gone, marking the end of ADDitude’s Back to School IEP Challenge. Thanks to everyone who participated by leaving comments outlining accommodations listed in your ADHD children’s IEPs. Before we announce the 5 people who won free downloads of ADDitude’s ADHD at School eBook, I need to announce the winners from my Blog-iversary goal setting challenge...from back in May. (Believe it or not, there are things I’ve neglected to do even longer!) We also had five winners in that challenge. I already reported on one winner, Jennifer Covello, who made progress towards going easier on both her son and herself. For out next winner, meet Dana Domalski, from Royal Oak, Michigan. Dana figured out she had ADHD when, at age 12 or 13, she read a list of ADHD symptoms. She wasn’t officially diagnosed with ADHD until 2001, at the age of 20. Adderall XR partially relieves her symptoms, but she’s continuing to work with her doctor in hopes of finding consistent relief. Dana’s goal was typically ADDish: to finally finish unpacking -- three years after moving. She’s been hitting it hard when she feels a flash of motivation, then coming back to it later when the feeling hits again. She’s made amazing progress, and is almost done. Friends who visit can’t believe it’s the same house! Dana is, deservedly, proud and excited by what she’s accomplished. (Dana, when you’re finished there, I have a closet...) Dana chose a complimentary one year subscription to ADDitude magazine as her prize. Winner number three was Kim from Alabama, mother of 9 year old Mark. Kim’s been working on changing the way she interacts with extended family in regards to her son’s behavior. She’s working to stand up for herself more, and to put an end to their continuous negative comments. I’m so impressed with the strategies she’s using! She’s careful to clarify whether or not she’s asking for advice when conversing about her son. She’s also using what I’ve heard called the “broken record” technique -- repeating one, or maybe a few similar phrases when faced with criticism: “I don’t find that to be a problem,” and “that’s your opinion, not mine, and he’s my child.” Her extended family is becoming aware of when they overstep boundaries. For example, her brother apologized for offering an opinion in the form of a command. Not only is Kim improving her own relationships with family, she’s setting a great example for her son! Kim also chose to receive a complimentary one year subscription to ADDitude magazine. Our fourth winner is W., mother of two. Her younger son has ADHD, and her older son has executive function problems. W.'s goals were to help the whole family by organizing the house, to take advantage of not being in crisis mode with her ADHD son, and to turn her energies towards helping her older son return to school in the fall more organized and with a better game plan. W. reports that her ADHD son ended the school year on a high note. His grades improved after getting started on ADHD medication. He made it the whole fourth quarter without a visit to the principal’s office! During the summer, W. continued to work with her son's doctor to fine tune his medication, especially those related to sleep problems. W.'s older son entered middle school this fall, which meant he began switching classes. In order to help him manage the increased need for school organization that this change brings, W. planned to help him implement strategies from the book The Organized Student: Teaching Children the Skills for Success in School and Beyond, while sticking to her own strategy of helping him to get started, then slowly backing out of providing direct support as he gains the skills to manage independently. W. chose a one year subscription to ADDitude magazine as her prize. And finally, our fifth winner was T., whose son M. has ADHD. T.’s goal was, after trying six different prescription meds with limited success and negative side effects, to try alternative treatments for her son’s ADHD. Two months into treatment with natural supplements, T. reported that overall they were working well. Although her son was still hyperactive and had some attention problems, he was happy, and was not suffering any negative side effects. Her next step was to try adding chiropractic treatment. Due to an email snafu, I’ve been unable to reach T. for another update. I’d love to hear if she found a chiropractor who thought he/she could help, and how the treatment is working. T. also chose a subscription to ADDitude magazine as her prize. As usual, I’m so impressed by how resourceful, smart, and caring ADDitude readers are. It’s great to be part of the ADDitude community. Please stop back soon for the announcement of our five winners of ADDitude’s Back to School IEP Challenge.
One of my biggest ongoing worries is the impact my ADHD child has on non-ADHD child. As the mother of two--a daughter, Natalie, with ADHD, and a neuro-typical son, Aaron--one of my biggest ongoing worries is the impact Natalie’s ADHD has on Aaron. Aaron does not like to talk about the subject, except to say, “GROUND HER!” a dozen times a day--when Natalie sneaks into his room on impulse to do a grab-and-run. When she’s in the midst of a fit and she rockets a handful of Legos in his direction. When he’s too embarrassed to have friends over because Natalie’s toys and clothes and discarded craft projects are spread throughout our house thicker than peanut butter on a slice of bread. I was thrilled to find a touching, beautifully executed new book that will serve as a great conversation starter for talking with our typical kids about their relationships with their special needs siblings. The book is Autism and Me: Sibling Stories, written by Ousie Shapiro, with photographs by Steven Vote, published by Albert Whitman & Company. Autism and Me introduces us to 14 sets of siblings, each featured on a two-page spread. Expressive color photos are paired with the typical siblings’ first-person description of his/her autistic sibling and the relationship they share. Yes, this book is about autism, not ADHD, but our typical kids will have many “That’s sounds like our family!” moments as they read this book. Ravi has an aide that helps him in school. Ron has trouble with transitions. Jack was disruptive in a restaurant. Each of these moments presents a non-threatening opportunity for our kids to talk about their feelings, and to compare and contrast the experiences described in the book with their own. What’s more, we can teach our typical children a little more about ADHD during an informal conversation about the book. Just between you and me, I sent a query to Albert Whitman & Company proposing that I author ADHD and Me: Sibling Stories. (I’m always on the lookout for new writing and publishing opportunities.) Is that a book you would buy? Cross your fingers for me as I wait--probably several months--for a reply. In the meantime, share Autism and Me with your children. I’d love to hear, via your comments, where the resulting conversation leads.
Our school nurse plays a vital role in making sure Nat’s school experience is the best that it can be. Natalie’s class is going on a field trip today to visit a one-room school that has been preserved for just such a purpose. She looked so cute this morning, dressed is the closest thing I could find to a Little House on the Prairie dress, and carrying her lunch in a bucket, covered by a dishcloth! For teachers, I’m sure field trips can be an organizational nightmare. Did anyone forget to bring their lunch? Are the parent chaperones here? Is the bus coming? With all that’s going on, what are the chances the teacher will remember that one child in the class, Natalie, needs to take ADHD medication while they’re gone? I wouldn’t. And I’ve learned over the years that they often don’t. So, this morning, I walked Natalie into school, and checked in with both the school nurse, Anna, and Nat’s teacher, Mr. Sibbel. With Anna on the job, I can relax. She’ll be sure Mr. Sibbel takes Nat’s medicine along with him. Now, all he has to do is remember to give it to her when 1:00 rolls around. If he forgets, chances are Nat’s behavior will eventually prompt him! What would I do without Anna? She plays a vital role in making sure Nat’s school experience is the best that it can be. I was recently interviewed for a newsletter written for school nurses about how they can be of help to kids with ADHD. You can read the interview below. I plan to print a copy, add a personal note of thanks, and hand it to Anna with a smile. Maybe you’ll decide to do the same for a special school nurse who’s the go-to professional on your child’s school team. The following article appeared in School Health Professional, Issue 14, Sept. 9, 2009. Download the article here. Kay Marner, author of “My Picture Perfect Family,” a blog about parenting a child with ADHD, recently took some time to talk with us about her family’s relationship with her daughter’s school nurse. Here’s what she had to say about how their school nurse helps facilitate a successful learning environment for her daughter: Q. Can you tell me a little bit about your child and what her experience has been like with her school nurse?
Q. What has Natalie’s school nurse done in the past that has made a difference to you and your child?
Q. What are some behaviors (based on stories you have) that school nurses can be on the lookout for related to students with ADHD?
Q. What kinds of responses work well for students working with students who have ADHD?
I learned a strategy for preparing for IEP meetings, and found out about several components of an IEP that I’d never heard of. ADDitude’s Back-to-School IEP Challenge is in full swing! Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to participate so far. I find it so helpful to learn what accommodations are being used by actual kids with ADHD. It helps make all the expert information I’ve read gel. As I wrote in my post announcing the IEP Challenge, in my quest to become a better advocate for my child with ADHD, I’ve been studying up on anything and everything IEP. Assuming ADDitude aficionados like me know about ADDitude’s ADHD at School ebook, I’d like to share what I learned from another resource, Nolo’s The Complete IEP Guide: How to Advocate for Your Special Ed Child (6th Edition, c 2009, by Lawrence M. Siegal). From the Nolo guide, I learned a strategy for preparing for IEP meetings, and found out about several components of an IEP that I’d never heard of. Here’s a description of each, as I understand them. Siegal writes about developing an IEP blueprint: your dream plan for your child’s education. As you dream, don’t worry about what’s actually offered in your area, and disregard cost (reality will set in soon enough!). Once you’ve developed this blueprint, use it as a basis for developing the actual IEP (knowing that you probably won’t get everything you ask for). I love this kind of brainstorming exercise, but hadn’t thought about preparing for Natalie’s IEP meetings in this way. Doing so helped me see things differently. Siegal also writes about including a child profile in the IEP--information about your child that might not be included as you create a plan fill-in-the-blanks style, but that might help teachers understand your child better. I plan to take advantage of this one! When I attended Natalie’s mini-conference (20 minutes in which to tell the teacher everything he needs to know about your child!) a few weeks ago, I came prepared with a list of six things to go over with the teacher, that aren’t in her IEP. Here’s one example: Natalie may laugh when you try to discipline her. She can’t control this reaction. She’s not purposefully “laughing in your face," being disrespectful--she’s anxious. Try reassuring her as you address the issue. For example, you might say, “I can see you are anxious. You’re okay...you’re safe here with me..or, you’re safe here at school...but we need to talk about..." Please don’t ask her to stop laughing or punish her if she can’t. Why not write down my list of must-knows and ask that the resulting document be attached to the plan? Likewise, he suggests a narrative be added to include statements that are helpful, but don’t fit in a goal. Here’s my made-up example: The IEP team agrees that Natalie’s behavior deteriorates when she is anxious. The classroom teacher will report regularly to the special ed teacher and the parents about signs of such distress. If needed, the team will meet in about three months to discuss the need to add accommodations or pursue an evaluation related to reducing Natalie’s anxiety level. It’s not a goal, but it may lead to one. Having it in writing will serve as a reminder, and help hold those involved accountable for following through. The other new-to-me IEP component Siegal mentions is a parent addendum. This is a statement made in writing expressing the parents’ disagreement, or partial disagreement, with a decision. It’s added before the parent signs the plan. I can imagine myself writing an addendum something like this: "I agree to the plan that Natalie will have two 40-minute pull-out sessions of special ed instruction each day. While I understand that the number of students the special ed teacher will be responsible for working with during each of these periods may vary, I believe that Natalie requires a student teacher ratio of no more than 3:1 in order to benefit from special ed instruction." This is a way of documenting your efforts to advocate for your child in case legal action is required in the future. Whew! This stuff is complicated. I hope I related this info accurately...maybe you’d better read the book. And don’t forget, there’s still time to enter ADDitude’s Back-to-School IEP Challenge for a chance to win ADDitude’s ADHD at School e-book! « All Blogs |
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Kay Marner is the chronically overwhelmed mother of two: her neurotypical, very bright, biological son Aaron; and her one-of-a-kind daughter Natalie, adopted from Russia, who has ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, and developmental delays.
