An Evil Spiral

Even if I'm correct in stating that bad memory isn't a direct function of having ADHD, but rather a function of one's memory never receiving the data in the first place due to inattention, the end result is the same. Bad retrieval. This can lead to all kinds of difficulties. The day-to-day issues - where'd I park the car, how'd I forget her birthday, why didn't I pay the utility bill — are obvious. Beyond those are some profound psychological issues.

Batting leadoff and playing second base for the Comorbids is depression. As always, I'm on a slippery slope here, so you'll have to take this as impressionistic rather than scientific.

Clinical depression can exist without any help from ADHD and vice-versa. I've got both, and I've lived in that miasma long enough to sense, with consistency, what's going on upstairs in the noisy, messy attic. But the memory problems associated with Da Deficit frequently provoke depressive moods of another, more readily catalogued nature.

If I can't remember parts of my life, ranging from what I did after work last Thursday to my entire eighth and ninth years, I get shaky. My very existence is brought into question, and since I have no answers, my reactions are to get scared and miserable. If I'm missing pieces of my life, how do I know I was there at all? And, even more upsetting, what's the point of it all if I can't look back on it?

This is getting into ontology, where I have no business at all. If I didn't read Descartes in college, when I was supposed to, you know I'm not going to start now, especially with six mysteries piled on my night table.

All I know is that missing all these connections messes me up something fierce. It undermines my sense of purpose and outflanks my intention to trample my ADHD and take control of my life. I'm aware of this, even as I watch myself starting to spiral down toward the pit. And the results ain't pretty.