Finding the Limits: My Meds' and My Own

There are some in the recovery community who view medication for things such as ADHD or depression with skepticism. The idea, I suppose, is that it is dangerous for a drug addict or alcoholic to rely on a substance. I understand the concern. I have felt the out-of-control desire for a substance. I have done stupid, hurtful and irresponsible things in order to use. I understand what it means to be powerless. That gives me a healthy fear of taking any substance or engaging in behavior that I know from my history can get out of my control. It makes sense to be cautious.

I started medication for ADHD after careful consideration and discussion with my addiction therapist counselor and an ADHD specialist psychiatrist who knew my history with substance abuse. I started out with a small dosage and am in the process of trying to determine what is the best medication and dosage to help. I'm not in a hurry and appreciate the opportunity to start slow and increase dosage or change medication as needed. I am not taking a stimulant-based medication and I have not taken any amounts that have given me any sort of "high." I am comfortable that I am proceeding prudently and with appropriate professional support.

I didn't really think that treating my ADD would get rid of the impulses that drove me toward addiction. I admit, though, that I kind of hoped. I admit that I wish my ADD medication would make it so that I didn't have to work my program. The program consists of taking responsibility for my actions, being honest, being aware of what I am feeling, taking care of myself in healthy, grown-up ways — all stuff that I am not good at. Taking ADD medications, so far, has helped me to feel less pressure, fewer random, scattered thoughts, and less of a push to be seeking out new, thrilling behavior. As far as I can tell, it doesn't help me take responsibility for myself. It doesn't make me be more honest and forthright. It doesn't help me make amends for my bad behavior. It's not a magic bullet.

Through working a twelve-step recovery program though, I also realize that there are aspects of my character that are not helped by ADD medication. The program calls them "character defects" and they are the things that really impair my ability to stay present with myself, avoid selfishness and maintain a connection with my higher power. I am sure I'm not the only alcoholic who wishes there was a pill that would get rid of my character defects. Unfortunately, there is not.

ADD is a part of who I am. It is how my brain is wired. It has its good points and bad. It helps me make some creative connections that I might not otherwise make. It is a condition, rather than a disease. My addictions have no redeeming value. It is much more useful to think of my addictions as diseases. They are things over which I have no control. They will ruin my life and kill me. There is nothing good about the disease itself.

There is, however, value in recovery. The process of realizing my limitations and reaching outside myself is good. Maybe its how people without addictions, "normies," can be naturally. For me, I need the threat of addiction to motivate me to do the work to stay sober. It is work and it's work that I sometimes would rather not do. If I could take a pill, I would.

Whether alcohol, drugs, sex, food, shopping, gambling or whatever is the trigger that is both addictive and the type of behavior I am drawn to because of my ADD, taking medication for ADD helps relieve some symptoms but it doesn't mean I couldn't go there again. There's a paradox in addiction of me being both powerless and responsible for my behavior. So, treating that addiction, I have to do what I can both from a brain chemistry angle and a recovery standpoint.