I'm still seeing the ex-Boyfriend, but I'm becoming increasingly aware of what I want, and how he is unable to meet those needs, and how, someday I'll find what I'm looking for.
by Jane D.
Sometimes it is better to leave the milk in the refrigerator rather than taking it out and revisiting it. If one takes the milk out too many times there is a risk of it spoiling, and who wants to drink spoiled milk?
That pretty much sums up where I am with the ex-Boyfriend. He could change. It could change. The relationship could work. But in our case, we need a mediator, a professional counselor, and both he and I would need to be open and honest enough to work on our issues together.
But I am tired of dating people who make promises to change or do X,Y, and Z, and then never deliver. A person should be comfortable enough in their relationship to discuss matters rather than ignore them.
I tried to tell the ex-Boyfriend what means the most to me in a relationship -- actions, not words -- and so far, the only way to describe what has occurred since is "plodding."
We continue to talk, text, and see each other, obviously attraction is attraction, but my intuition (as sharp as a tack, and one of the more positive traits of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD)) tells me to keep him in the ex-boyfriend category, and to watch out. When conversations or things get too serious, when I am rather direct with him as to what I'd like, he is silent, nods, and retreats (in anger ?). When I ask, “Where do you see this going?” “Am I the ‘one’?” “What do you think are the points of conflict between us?,” he is as silent, and as helpful, as a sphinx.
The friends want to know, rightfully, why I keep going back. Once again, is it the thrill and excitement of being with trouble, the chase, or the challenge? Is there a problem with my communication style, they wonder.
I do suffer from a symptom common to many with ADD/ADHD -- changing one's mind frequently, jumping from X to D to C. However, it is my hope, that to the right person, this trait would be accepted, and even considered adorable. Or, do we ADD/ADHDers need to somehow "fix" that issue through cognitive behavioral therapy, or otherwise? Sometimes, increasingly so these days, I think that there is no place for me in romance, or, as I said in my last post, work.
But then a close friend reminds me that I need to do what is best for me, and that maybe the current (ex)-Boyfriend and work are what’s wrong, not me.
What is it that I want? What are my goals in life? Once I decide, whatever rejection life dishes out won’t stop me, no one will be able to.
Right now, however, at 34, I don’t have the answers. All I can do is beat myself up. I should be in a healthy relationship by now.
What is it that I want? What are my goals in life? When I know, I will have learned to reject rejection and be at peace with myself.
I won’t beat myself up. I will find a healthy relationship.