I could blame this mess on my ADD, but I'm old enough to see that it's more than that.
by Jane D.
As I mentioned in my last blog posting, it is over: this relationship that dragged on with the evasive boyfriend, who was all but a "yes man" but screwed me in the end by saying nothing.
Of course the natural inclination is to blame it on the ADD, but now that I am old enough to see patterns in life I can see that it's a mix of personality, ADD, and, perhaps, hang ups. It is not pretty. There's a lot of work to do. I need to stay on the eight ball and continue the good fight.
The guy calls and says, "It's just not working out." There was no "fourth base" involved, but there were tons of little things, too. Our messages always crossed and were misunderstood, I wanted to do all of these things, and he's looking for someone a bit more organized. What the heck. He might have mentioned this like three months ago.
I did not cry over this relationship, wondering if the lack of tears is my boredom with the relationship itself. There were never any real sparks. Dating the fellow was like eating plain yogurt, not bad, okay, nice, just fine, empty adjectives.
My greater concern is with the job, always a struggle. I've come to accept that I will go into a Monday meeting and be the most clueless and spacey one there. I will focus so much on how my message should be delivered that I will not understand what others are saying or sharing. If someone caught me and asked me what the topic was about, I might shrug and reveal how spacey on am.
However, I really don't want to be so hard on myself. I took the Adderall this morning and tried so hard to stay organized with this black planner, which sits by me like an anchor. It is a reminder of how much needs to be changed. To get that guy, get that raise, to be accepted, I need to change.
And there is never a day when it isn't such.