Our blogger's no stranger to uncertainty — but this time, not knowing what the future will bring has her on edge and anxious.
by Jane D.
The spring fling continues with my long distance relationship with Mr. X. I'll call him X for the unknown. Our relationship, a blend of pen pals, friendship, and romance, is tenuous. Right now it comes down to cross-continental conversations and planning vacations together. Yes, it does sound more like a fling. The unknown is extremely daunting, especially as I inch towards 40 — I see no stability in love and work. Mr. X seems like an ultra-commitment-phobe himself, and nomadic in nature. I believe he boasts at least a dozen job and address moves. Actually I've wondered if he has ADHD. (Dare I ask?) So in some ways it's the familiar story of like attracting like, like it or not.
Don't get me wrong — the up-in-the-air feeling is familiar to me, only now the familiarity is intertwined with fear and panic rather than excitement. The big 4-0 may be around the corner, but even closer is the 20th high school reunion.
These days everything is up in the air including my next adventure. I'm psyched about the idea of getting a Ph.D., having that certificate reading Dr. Jane hanging on my wall. But there are many nights now when I awake in anxiety and really wonder if I made the right decision. What if the venture starts off with a flash but ends up being a flash in the pan, like many of my other (ad)ventures?
The uncertainty is exciting and yet eats away at me as I prepare for the marathon move.
"You're a tough cookie," the sister reminds me. "I know you can do it. You always do." Only this time there is reluctance. An odd feeling for me.