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Jane D., a 30-something professional writer and student with ADHD, blogs about dating and relationships, working and losing a variety of jobs, and surviving and thriving with attention deficit, along with depression and anxiety. She lives, works, and studies in a big city on the East Coast.

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Archives: April 2008

posted: Wednesday April 30th - 9:41am

The Trouble with Tough Love

From the father to Uncle Sam to shrinks, no one's cutting slack on my ADD lapses.

Jane D.
I was invited to my first Jewish birthday party over the weekend. My friend and fellow swim buddy, Barbara, celebrated her big 6-5. It was at a hole-in-the-wall Romanian steakhouse in Chinatown. But before that, I had breakfast with the father at a cafe across Grand Central. He tells me that Uncle Sam sent back my tax form because I forgot to fill out a line...
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posted: Monday April 28th - 11:59am

It's Finally Over

Why do I keep looking back instead of going forward?

Jane D.
It's over. After completely comprehending that the ex-boyfriend does not want contact, I deleted all of his text messages with a single touch. Ahhh, the beauty of technology. I promise myself I will not be a cyber-stalker anymore. He hasn't been answering the phone, emails, or anything. Bastard, bastard. I hate men. I keep joking with the sister that I am becoming a man-hater in Maureen...
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posted: Friday April 25th - 10:14am

Feeling the Sting of ADD

I've taken the meds, but it's failing me. ADD is still that two-year-old wreaking havoc on my life.

Jane D.
I got together with the middle-aged, sad-looking guy who I'd met through the ADHD behavior therapy group (aka guinea pigs). He's weathered, very weathered, and there is a sadness about him, which I am drawn to. We sat at a bar, drinking beer and swapping stories of how ADD is like that two-year-old who wreaks havoc on our lives. I want to date him, but I...
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posted: Tuesday April 22nd - 9:14am

Springtime Blues

When everything is one big question mark, it becomes more than just the ADD.

Jane D.
I got together with John yesterday. Nice guy who was part of the guinea pig group. He's in his late 40s, and has a weathered look about him. At one point, he was probably good looking, the football player kind, total jock material. We sat at a bar, and he talked about the litany of failed jobs, the career changes, the way the mysterious beast ate...
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posted: Monday April 21st - 5:05pm

Popepalooza

I waited three hours on line to get into Yankee Stadium to see the Pope on Sunday, and then I sat through a three-hour mass, nearly driving my obsessive ADD self into a nervous breakdown.

The relationship-friendship, whatever you call it, is as dead as a doornail. The ex keeps telling me to relax, chill out. If he took a step closer, he'd understand that his behavior—the sort of silent, non-communicative attitude—does the very opposite. I am getting angry with these NATO (no action, talk only) men, and am ready to take out the stinger. I would like to resort to...
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posted: Monday April 21st - 10:40am

Pondering Career Options

Take the plunge (and lose the job perks) or stay in an ADD funk?

Jane D.
Last night, I had the sweetest sleep, a long marathon of a snooze, where I slipped in and out of dreams. I dreamt that I was late for swimming, slipping and sliding on the asphalt, that I was in the middle of the ocean drifting in and out of waves, the white caps swallowing me. When I awoke, it was 10 a.m., and I'd overslept swim...
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posted: Friday April 18th - 10:10am

Catatonic in the Cubicle

As spring approaches, I'm trying hard to focus at work, but my mind is drifting to other things...

Jane D.
The more I talk with the father and reflect, the less attracted I am to the idea of having kids. Those cute Gerber-faced babies eventually turn into adults who, even at the age of 32, call home constantly to whine about life’s woes. The poor father must be tired of hearing the same old record, being spun by yours truly. “Oh what should I do about the...
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posted: Wednesday April 16th - 11:15am

Too Many Pieces

My father tells me that old habits die slowly, if ever. He may be right.

Jane D.
I recently took the ferry to New Jersey to swim with another pseudo-boyfriend, the doctor who I've been having breakfast with for the past three months. (Once again, he insisted on paying for the meal.) Afterward, we hung out at his apartment with a panoramic view of Manhattan. But, as we leaned over the balcony, watching the barges go by and the clouds roll in, he...
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posted: Tuesday April 15th - 9:03am

Hoarding... My New ADHD Habit

To fight boredom, I'm filling my life with new purchases, friends, projects—and acquiring a mess in the middle of it all.

Jane D.
I am prone to hoarding, with a close friend recently describing me as a nervous squirrel scurrying for acorns—always worried that winter is around the corner. I fill my purse and bags with acquisitions from the fruit stand, the supermarket, and the newspaper vendors. The space under my work desk is a graveyard of magazines, clothes, newspapers, half-eaten bags of pretzels, half-filled notebooks, clothes that I...
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posted: Monday April 14th - 12:10pm

The List, The List

As I get started on finding a new job, I wonder: Is my lack of ambition caused by ADD or just me?

Jane D.
“Where is the list?” the friend asks me. The friend of course is the pseudo-boyfriend who has demoted me to "friend" status, to which I’ve agreed, even though I remain as attracted to him as ever. I’m still sad over what could have been, but what can I do but focus on the list. A month ago, the friend said that the easiest way to combat...
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posted: Friday April 11th - 2:53pm

Making My Case for a Virtual Secretary

I genuinely forgot I had scheduled an appointment. Now my screw-up could cost me my client—and my job.

Jane D.
I screwed up. I completely forgot that I had scheduled a swimming lesson with a student at 6:30. When I slipped out of the urban furnace, a.k.a. the NYC subway, I got a message from a lifeguard at the pool. "There's a client waiting for you, where are you? WHERE ARE YOU?" I speed-dialed the pool, hoping that the student hadn't left, but it rang and...
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posted: Wednesday April 9th - 7:38pm

Who Am I Anyway?

I need to fill every waking moment with something, anything, calling, texting, emailing, to stave off the endless winter.

Jane D.
I went to see the shrink woman today and told her that I needed to change so many things about myself. "I'm not so sure you know what your personality is," she said. Indeed, who was I? If I could be comfortable in my own skin, just be myself, who would I be? Why do I need to apologize for almost everything in my life as if...
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posted: Tuesday April 8th - 9:15pm

Reverting to My 13-Year-Old Self

Instead of fixating on finding a new job, I've impulsively and obsessively thought about "the ex."

Jane D.
OK, so I am weak and only human. I have not been able to achieve the DNC rule (do not call) that friends have been beating over me. "Why did you call him? Do not call him!" I am fixated and obsessed with the ex. I am back to my 13-year-old self. In the same way I obsessed over Kirk Cameron on Growing Pains, I'm now fixated...
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posted: Wednesday April 2nd - 10:35am

The Why Season

Things are spinning out of control. I have no answers to ADHD, and to the mysteries of it all.

Jane D.
Everything has been falling apart. I went to the Indian Buddhaman, otherwise known as the designated psychiatrist for the monthly pow wow. Maybe it was just that time of day, dusk, but he began nodding oddly as I came flooding at him with my woes. The pseudo-boyfriend dumped me and wants to be a friend, but I like him a lot. I wish we'd been on...
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