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Commitment Phobia: Is It an Adult ADHD Phenomenon?

For people with attention deficit disorder, breaking patterns is as hard as stopping a freight train moving at high speed.
Adult ADHD Blog | Monday June 29th - 1:22pm | More June 2009 Blogs
 
Jane D.

After Mr. Ph.D.'s rejection I had to lick my wounds and get up again.

There have been countless times when I've wanted to give up on love, and yet I can't. In a city like New York, the potential for love is always in the air. Everywhere I go, I see lovey-dovey couples, and I am reminded that the last three men who I fell for did not feel the same way about me.

The latest obsession is the Chef, a short guy with a big macho attitude. Over wine one evening I said that I could never be friends with men whom I am attracted to, and he said, “Well, we are not dating, we are friends."

I asked the Chef if he ever thought about settling down—after all, he is 45. What happened to the cabin or apartment he wanted to buy? He said it was a passing fancy, just like I was. He said he was too wrapped up with work.

I come up with excuses for his not being ready, but maybe I should accept that he’s not interested. Thing is, I feel indebted to him. The Chef helped me out during the worst of times. He helped me move the dozens of bags up the fifth-floor Spanish Harlem walk-up. He helped comfort me after the botched swimming race.

I wonder if I am like Patty Hearst suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, where one gets attached to his or her captors. In return he's gotten a female companion at night. I've not gone to fourth base, but with all that's happened I now feel used. I want to be treated well, to not feel second rate.

2 Comments:

  • Posted by Nettie - Jul 1 2009 @ 1:35 PM
    Friend with Benefits
    If the chef is a friend with benefits, then you weren't used; unless you betrayed yourself by doing something you didn't want. From reading a few of your posts, it sounds like you are attracted to men who are successfully following their own exciting paths while not giving you the high dose of attention you maybe crave. All you can do is keep testing the waters (hey, you like to swim!) until you find someone who can balance your needs with their own. Have fun experimenting and remember you have had some success.
  • Posted by windscar6 - Jun 30 2009 @ 12:19 PM
    i hear ya...
    all of my relationships ended with the guy leaving me. i have given up on the idea of ever being loved by a guy. im bisexual so that wont be hard. but it breaks my heart that the only thing guys see in me is sex. lots of guys think im attractive but none of them see anything else in me.
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