The End of Summer

I'm not sure what is happening, only that in the past couple of weeks, I've fallen into a funk. It's like I can't be alone and spend time on my own. I always need to be text messaging, dialing, scrambling and searching for the next best thing.

The 35-year-old Ph.D. man emailed me from England and said he didn't do the swim. The conditions were too rough and unholy, and he'd rather wait a year than waste a couple thousand dollars and his ego. I understand, and yet I thought back to how he treated me before he left. Sorry, I don't see us being more than friends, I'll maybe contact you two months from now. Some friend. And yet I am thrilled by men and people who are complete asses. Is it the ADD or me? The question hangs over my head.

The sun is coming down earlier now and mornings are darker. I feel fall in the air. Yesterday the mother and half-sister and I had a reunion at a Manhattan diner. I never gave much thought to it until now, but I'm starting to wonder if the mother has ADD, too. She's changing plans and destinations last minute, and doesn't seem to listen to what I say. I tell her my phone number and address and even write it down several times, but she asks me for it each time.

Like me she's old fashioned, a technophobe, who still sticks with Post-its, notebooks and disposable cameras. It's just easier to figure out. She likes to snack, too, and is never without a pack of gum or hard candy. She tends to ask the same questions over and over, too. She's always planning for things all the way out into December or beyond, trips, vacations, ideas, dreams, and doesn't seem to focus on the now. In her, I see me. I should be horrified—but rather I am subdued and humbled and somewhat depressed by it all. I've been so blue and down with the meds that I decided I'd give it a rest today. Today, I will just be myself. I will be creative, loopy, wild and be proud. To hell with the conventional.

The female shrink asked me the other day, “How do you connect all of the dots in the square without picking up your pen?” I shrugged.

"Yes, you can do it if you go outside of the square. Who said that everything had to be a square?" True, I thought. If only the rest of the world appreciated it.