Moping

The new and more powerful Adderall pills do work. Today I went to work, opened the drawer, took out the orange capsule, and swallowed. For the next four hours, I sat at the desk, completely focused on the project at hand, so focused that I didn't get up to pee, to eat, to talk to anyone. It was as if I had been thrust into a tunnel.

I don't like the feeling, because rather than feel like myself, I am nervous, anxious, and have the feeling that I am being chased by someone, by deadline, by time, by myself. I just want to be happy with myself, but in the end I find myself apologetic and walking around with tremendous guilt.

I am a nice person but I can't deal with stress and can't deal with the pressure of daily life and deadlines. I wish sometimes that I could find a good friend, a boyfriend, who could relate to me or vice versa. It gets lonely living like this.

I've been fixated on the Olympics, watching Michael Phelps snag medal after medal. He has ADHD, that is a well-known fact, but he's a genius in the pool. I'm told that September is officially ADD month, and I wish for the life of me that I could go out and tell people that I have this albatross, this disorder, that also gives me spark, color and ideas.

Michael Phelps is an exception because he's as fast as a fish, but for the rest of we ADDers, success often is simply getting through another day having checked off something on the to-do list.