Church

I go to the church around lunch every day, enjoying the walk up Park Avenue, loving and savoring the silence of the chapel. Once I kneel and look up at the altar, I can finally let go and cry. I can let the tears flow amongst these strangers, who are locked or lost in their own personal sorrow.

Damn, what's wrong with me? The anger has returned, the anger against men. Maybe Buddhaman is right; if I leave him for a female shrink, I will forever be angry at the entire Y chromosome population.

Today I locked myself in prayer hoping that there would come a day when all of the dust clears and the confusion lets up. When will that happen? Maybe never.

Maybe I should go to an ADD national conference, and meet some dashing and handsome fellow ADDer who is just as seemingly all over the board as me. Maybe we can live among a pile of unpaid bills and unwashed dishes, and befriend other space cadets, such as ourselves.

A funny scenario I play again and again in my mind is as follows: I lose my child at Target, because I forgot I brought him or her out in the first place. The prospect of living like that got me crying again.

The new boyfriend is a bitch, meaning he's proactive and then not very proactive, and yet he's walking around telling people he's my boyfriend. I met him on an online dating service amidst my serial dating period three months ago. So far he hasn't tried to take me to bed. His kissing is so light and feathery that I want to swat him away because it's as annoying as a mosquito’s buzz.

He seems a bit ADD himself, taking on too many gigs, wandering around confused when I tell him what the address is. He sucks at math; he can swim, but likes it about as much as a cat likes water. Personally, I've heard his band play twice, and even bought the CD, and I think, well, they suck. I think everything sucks now. I'm just mad and it doesn't seem like the Adderall (the 20mg) is helping at all.