More Meds!!
It sounds funny, but I think I'd rather be missing a finger or a toe than have this chronic disorder. With the new dosage, I see new hope.
Adult ADHD Blog
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Wednesday August 6th - 11:48am
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More August 2008 Blogs
I've officially canned the Buddhaman. After he diagnosed me with borderline personality—telling me I was controlling and impossible, and that he was happy he wasn't my father—I called up the secretary and said, “Switch me to Dr. X." I will call her that because I refuse to talk with any shrink with a Y chromosome. I am so over men, for now.
In retrospect, I'm not sure what to think, except that he's been crazy when it comes to doling out guy advice. He told me to "jump" the 35-year-old doctor, and to say, "Hey, so what if you're a virgin? Let's experiment." He also told me that by leaving him for a female shrink, I was running away from all of the men in my life. A blanket statement.
But before I left, I told him I wanted more ADD meds. I said go ahead and up the dosage for Adderall, because I've had it. I sit at work, surf the net, nosh on the stash of chocolates and snacks in my drawer. I email, I pick up a random magazine and read it, a thousand ideas spinning through my mind. One moment, I want to learn French, then jewelry making, then I want to become a lawyer.
...And I will be 33 this year. 32 completely sucks, and whoever told me it would all come together at 32 is a liar. It sounds funny, but sometimes I think I'd rather be missing a finger or a toe than have this chronic disorder. With the new prescription, I see new hope.
Okay, the Adderall report: The new pills are orange and I started them yesterday. I felt the familiar buzz and zombie-like state that I first had when I started Adderall eight months ago. But I also felt like I could sit in one place and focus a lot better, even though I was exhausted for much of the day (or maybe depressed?). My fear is that I'll have to keep upping the dosage and eventually become addicted. And what if I get fired?
Always, in the back of my mind, there is that fear, which may become reality if I continue to fixate on it. A few days ago, a colleague told me that most of the people here had gotten pay increases recently. I haven't gotten a raise or promotion in nearly two years. My fault, I know. I grow bored, I am unfocused, I do other things, and once again there is that cycle of feeling inferior and worthless. I wish I could be more positive, but in a perfect world, ADD would somehow be celebrated.
 1 Comments:
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Posted by
Oh, Boy!
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Aug 8 2008 @ 11:37 AM
Yeah...Adderall
I get the same affect from the drug as you, then my brain determines it's not adrenaline, which my former career served up in great, wonderful, gobs, and proceeds to hyperflush it from my body. Or so it seems, anyway. I'm at or near max dosage, and I've tried them (stims/not-stims) all. My doc added Cymbalta to the brew, and it seems to take the edge off.
I can take Adderall (freely substitute any ADD/ADHD drug or brandname, here), and my reaction - DOING! Hello? Where's Mr. Productivity? Nothingness - is also not too dissimilar from your experience with the drug.
My doc (more about him/her someother time, maybe) says that after a single dose, his other patients tell him they jump up, are highly motivated, and start working on important work projects. To that, I say - under my breath, of course - "I doubt it, unless those are 'jump the couch' projects." I can do those with or without meds.
I'm trying to see Adderall as another daily tool that I have to use to rebuild a relativley stable platform, a platform that that gets battered and upended every night.
Lots of pieces of my platform get lost during the great sleep. The next morning, following two hits of Adderall, I try to find the strays and stick them in, somewhere. It's not a pretty structure, but it's above water.
This structure, or platform, if you will, becomes my brain's - if not new, then perhaps its underused - experimentation lobe, where I can add...and(for your sake and mine, I hope I round a corner soon and make some sense of what I'm thinking)...operate other life skills.
I like the idea of someday employing ADD coaches, receiving real ADD psych-therapy, group ADD meetings, and making use of other self-help, though not necessarily ADD specific, stuff (e.g., PDAs, organizing skills classes, et cetera).
This morning I'm beachcombing, looking for the strays, and soon, hopefully, I'll begin sticking them into a battered but somewhat more solid structure.
I enjoy your columns, and as a singe guy, I'm always taking note of your dating do's and don'ts. Most instructive. Too bad I'm not thirtyish, a swimmer, and of the Green Eye Clan.
Oh...two more things. As Ann, above, wondered in print yesterday, maybe it's time that ADDITUDEmag.com - in conjunction with an established site? - look into adding an ADD/ADHD dating/hook-up section. I would definitely like to date armed and dangerous ADD'ers, at least to see if our supposedly similar cognitive issues add or detract from the heat...er, chemistry. The last thing concerns working out or any other active, activity. Becoming more physically active does seem to help me a lot; I've got more time on my hands, now, so I workout at least five days a week, including aerobics and weight lifiting. Really, really complements the Adderall, but watch your heart rate (it zooms) and see a G.P. if you haven't worked out in a while.
Thanks for your brave and wonderfully entertaining (in the good sense) column.
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