More Meds!!

I've officially canned the Buddhaman. After he diagnosed me with borderline personality—telling me I was controlling and impossible, and that he was happy he wasn't my father—I called up the secretary and said, “Switch me to Dr. X." I will call her that because I refuse to talk with any shrink with a Y chromosome. I am so over men, for now.

In retrospect, I'm not sure what to think, except that he's been crazy when it comes to doling out guy advice. He told me to "jump" the 35-year-old doctor, and to say, "Hey, so what if you're a virgin? Let's experiment." He also told me that by leaving him for a female shrink, I was running away from all of the men in my life. A blanket statement.

But before I left, I told him I wanted more ADD meds. I said go ahead and up the dosage for Adderall, because I've had it. I sit at work, surf the net, nosh on the stash of chocolates and snacks in my drawer. I email, I pick up a random magazine and read it, a thousand ideas spinning through my mind. One moment, I want to learn French, then jewelry making, then I want to become a lawyer.

...And I will be 33 this year. 32 completely sucks, and whoever told me it would all come together at 32 is a liar. It sounds funny, but sometimes I think I'd rather be missing a finger or a toe than have this chronic disorder. With the new prescription, I see new hope.

Okay, the Adderall report: The new pills are orange and I started them yesterday. I felt the familiar buzz and zombie-like state that I first had when I started Adderall eight months ago. But I also felt like I could sit in one place and focus a lot better, even though I was exhausted for much of the day (or maybe depressed?). My fear is that I'll have to keep upping the dosage and eventually become addicted. And what if I get fired?

Always, in the back of my mind, there is that fear, which may become reality if I continue to fixate on it. A few days ago, a colleague told me that most of the people here had gotten pay increases recently. I haven't gotten a raise or promotion in nearly two years. My fault, I know. I grow bored, I am unfocused, I do other things, and once again there is that cycle of feeling inferior and worthless. I wish I could be more positive, but in a perfect world, ADD would somehow be celebrated.