The Confessional

Maybe it's the Catholicism, or maybe the ADD me. Either way, I feel like I'm increasingly feeling guilty all of the time.

The pseudo-boyfriend, the one who I really loved, and gave gifts to, and called and emailed and truly cared about, basically dumped me two weeks ago and then a week ago reiterated that he wanted to be friends. Well, I don't want to be friends.

I keep thinking that things wouldn't have been like this if he hadn't sent flowers and come on so strong, and if I hadn't leapt at him like a dog on a bone. I keep thinking that I should have faked things better, not been blunt about what I thought I needed, and not burst into tears. The tears and outburst caused the breakup.

And then I think, maybe I should come clean and tell him it's the ADD and he might actually feel sorry for me. What do you think? I'm asking everyone for the same advice, and the same advice boomerangs back. "DO NOT CALL, DO NOT EMAIL!"

But he just doesn't understand. Maybe if I told him that I have ADD, that I can say things impulsively at times, maybe he'd take me back. So I feel like I should apologize and say sorry, and that's all I've been wanting: to apologize and say sorry. Now that I know what he's really like, I want to take things back. I want to explain.

The work fears are there,too. I'm so scared that 14 days later, I'm going to get the ax. The counselor woman tells me it will be the best thing that's happened to me,since I don't even like writing about numbers, but I don't want to end up homeless, either. In the same vein, I am so tempted to tell the boss about the ADD, too. Why not just come clean?

Today, I showed the father the letter the boss had written me, and he looked sort of sad. Once again, despite all of the accomplishments, I feel like a failure. Relationships and jobs seem to eventually fizzle, or maybe I should tell them to ratchet up the Adderall.