Hope—Maybe
A year and a half after being diagnosed with ADD, I was still searching for the right meds and struggling with this thing called organization.
Adult ADHD Blog
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Thursday January 10th - 9:53am
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More January 2008 Blogs
Lately I’ve been sitting in cubicle land, quite miserable at my existence. This is baby season — people are bringing in their new babies to show off, and I haven’t even a boyfriend to show for. It’s discouraging, because never before have I thought babies were that cute. Now I think they are adorable, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever be lucky enough to date someone for more than two months and walk down an aisle (beside the supermarket aisle).
The only positive light in what has been a dark two weeks is the new shrink. I’ve basically given the Buddha man the boot, and will designate him as the meds man. The new shrink is a tall, lithe Spanish-looking woman who I will call Dr. Ruth.
Once again my ADD self didn’t remember what floor her office was on, and I was a good 10 minutes late. The office was sparse, with a grand, beautiful view of the city on what has proven a freakishly hot day. She sat there, stared at me and asked me why I was there. It turns out that Dr. Ruth doesn’t see other patients with attention deficit disorder, but she sees plenty of women with self-esteem complexes. I told her about the commitment-phobic mystery man, about all of these problems I had in my life. I said after a year and a half of being diagnosed with ADD, I was still spinning wheels, searching for the right meds and struggling every day with this thing called organization.
She asked me when I was happiest. Swimming, I said. I am happiest when I swim alone, when I feel and see the bubbles. Something magical happens after numerous laps, I feel powerful like no one can touch me. I laughed a bit like a madwoman and told her I am also happiest when I can fully be myself, spit out the clever ideas, shop, sun myself on the beach, day-dream. I love it when I can be the free spirit that I am.
She smiled and said that I shouldn’t discount all of the wonderful things about myself too, and that I should stop blaming myself. She also said that life is too short: Focus on those who love you, focus on the here and now.
The session felt like a Hallmark commercial, but I left feeling like there was hope. It felt perfect and similar to the warm air in what should have been a frigid January.
 3 Comments:
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Posted by
Zenplace
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Jan 10 2008 @ 6:01 PM
Hope - Maybe?...DEFINITELY!
Hi Jane D.
I figured it wouldn't hurt to share a brief story of ADHD from a 50 year-young guy who has been through it all and is still trying to figure it all out. Briefly...as I indicated, I am 50, although people mistake me for 38. (Probably due to my aversion to the sun and the fact that I am a well proportioned 5'6" and 125lbs.) Anyway, I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 44. At the time, I was married (with 3 kids) owned a business, worked 90 hours a week, six figure income, company car, etc, and ,frankly, was miserable. The diagnosis changed my life. All of a sudden, I knew definitively, why I never felt comfortable in my skin, and why I always felt like I didn't fit anywhere.-Major fast forward- Within three years, I was divorced, sold the company, quit the industry that I had been in for 20 years, moved to an apartment, and spent 6 weeks in my bunny slippers with the shades drawn, phone unplugged, vacilating between laughter, triumph, fear, and deep depression. When I emerged, I was faced with a tough question. Who the hell am I? Currently, I am self-employed and still searching for my identity, but have never been happier. I'll tell you what I told my kids. Please, Please, Please, take time to learn who you are, do those things that you like to do,ALL of them, NEVER-NEVER under-estimate or under-value your god-given talents,(NO, everyone else DOES NOT sing, play flute, do math, draw cartoons, write fiction, etc, as well as you!) If you work, decide if it's a way to make money, or a way to define who you are. DO NOT confuse these. You can pursue both goals, but you must be willing to take responsibility for, defining, accepting, and promoting who you are, or your job will automatically do it for you. Of the top ten accomplishments in my life with which I am most satisfied, and proud of, all but three happened after I quit my career and started the search for my new life. Here’s hoping that you find ALL the bubbles you are searching for!
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Posted by
BmanJayhawk
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Jan 10 2008 @ 12:01 PM
this thing called organization
I can relate to a couple items in this post, in that I'm trapped in cube-land hating my existence, and after several years of being diagnosed I'm still med-hopping and struggling with this thing called organization (TCO). I'm in the process of looking for a new shrink, in lieu of my current pill-pusher. I know I have some self-confidence issues and lately I've had a really hard time recognizing and enjoying the good things in my life. I think those are things I can get a grip on, but what of the TCO? I read a post in another ADD forum that ADD was a self-sustaining cycle. Symptoms cause frustration. Frustration leads to more symptoms (or something like that). I have a beautiful family and I can't get out of my head enough to enjoy them. Saying that I have a beautiful family was in no way a jab at you in any way. Please don't take offense. And good luck with Dr. Ruth.
(my goodness that response is dis-jointed! Written like a true ADDer)
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Posted by
BmanJayhawk
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Jan 10 2008 @ 11:39 AM
this thing called organization
I can relate to a couple items in this post, in that I'm trapped in cube-land hating my existence, and after several years of being diagnosed I'm still med-hopping and struggling with this thing called organization (TCO). I'm in the process of looking for a new shrink, in lieu of my current pill-pusher. I know I have some self-confidence issues and lately I've had a really hard time recognizing and enjoying the good things in my life. I think those are things I can get a grip on, but what of the TCO? I read a post in another ADD forum that ADD was a self-sustaining cycle. Symptoms cause frustration. Frustration leads to more symptoms (or something like that). I have a beautiful family and I can't get out of my head enough to enjoy them. Saying that I have a beautiful family was in no way a jab at you in any way. Please don't take offense. And good luck with Dr. Ruth.
(my goodness that response is dis-jointed! Written like a true ADDer)
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