Smart Ways to Discipline Children with ADHD

An ADHD doctor offers parenting tips for better disciplining children with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD).

by Marybeth Lambe, Ph.D.

All parents want their children to be happy and well-adjusted. But parents also want them to be respectful and obedient. Of course, kids - particularly children with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) - have their own ideas.

So, rather than do what's asked of them, children with ADHD ignore their homework, torment their siblings, and forget to feed the dog. They leave wet towels on the bathroom floor and dump Legos in the living room. They talk back, whine, sulk, or otherwise misbehave. Each day brings fresh chaos -- and occasions for a parent's discipline.

Parenting experts have devised all manner of discipline techniques. But when it comes to reining in volatile, easily frustrated kids, it's hard to beat the system devised by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Glen Ellyn, Illinois, and the father of a son who has ADD.

No more power struggles

Dr. Phelan's 1995 book, 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12, is considered a classic of parenting literature. It's embraced not only by moms and dads, but also by ADD support groups, counselors, and psychiatrists - and no wonder. It offers specific, simple instructions rather than vague psychological concepts, and it has proven to be highly effective.

"1-2-3 Magic circumvents the whole power struggle," says Jean Mills, a social worker from Issaquah, Washington, and the mother of a 14-year-old with ADD. "There is no discussion and no chance to get into a debate with your child. So many of these kids have other issues - and have trouble handling frustration and anger. 1-2-3 Magic keeps words and emotions to a minimum."

To successfully implement Dr. Phelan's system, parents must differentiate the two kinds of behaviors their children "give" them:

• "Stop" behaviors. Talking back, yelling, teasing, throwing tantrums, and whining are all behaviors that parents want their children to stop.

• "Start" behaviors. These are things parents want their children to start doing regularly and without reminders - things like doing homework, feeding a pet, going to bed on time, getting up and off to school on schedule, or practicing a musical instrument.

The counting technique

Dr. Phelan recommends a range of familiar parenting tools and techniques, including the use of charts (work on no more than three behaviors at once) and timers; more positive feedback and less criticism; and minimizing the number of on-the-spot requests parents make of children.

(Even simple requests, such as 'walk the dog' or 'run this over to the neighbor's,' can make ADD kids feel put-upon. Better to let them know ahead of time what is expected of them.)

But the most celebrated component of Dr. Phelan's system is his "counting" technique, which is used to put an end to "stop" behaviors (see "Stopping an Argument in Its Tracks").

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"Counting" works like this: Each time your child does something he shouldn't, simply hold up one finger and quietly say, "That's one." If the behavior continues, raise two fingers and say, "That's two." If the child still ignores your request, raise three fingers and say, "That's three. Take five." The child then goes (or is escorted) to a five-minute time-out in his room. (If you feel your child is too old for the term "time-out," use another one, like "cool down," "break," "breather," "halt," or "pause.")

If your child won't budge, remove yourself from the room: Take a brisk walk around the house, read a few pages of a book, lock yourself in the bathroom - but NO talking to your child, even if he tries to follow you! That's it. You don't shout or cajole or explain. It's clear to your child that he has a choice: He can shape up at once or suffer a consequence.

Once the time-out is over, do not rehash the episode or lecture your child about it. It's over.

Praise more, criticize less

What about getting your child to adopt "start" behaviors? The fundamental principle, says Dr. Phelan, is to spend less time criticizing your child, and more time offering praise.

Parents are quick to speak up when a child does something wrong, but not so quick when the child does something right. According to Dr. Phelan, negative feedback undermines a child's self-confidence, which makes it even harder for him to handle tasks and chores independently. Praise, specific and genuine, feeds a child's self-esteem and willingness to cooperate.

This article comes from the April/May 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.

1-2-3 Magic, Part 2

Always be on the lookout for opportunities to offer praise: "Good job on the spelling test, Amy!" or "You cleaned your room up beautifully! And I didn't even have to remind you. Wow!" or "You got ready for school so fast today!" Ideally, says Dr. Phelan, you'll praise your child about four times more frequently than you criticize her. Show, by your words and actions, that you believe your child can manage himself - and he probably will. Discipline should become less of a problem.

Praise is especially beneficial for children with ADD, who may face relentless criticism from teachers and friends, as well as from their parents. And being more generous with praise helps you enjoy your relationship with your child.

"1-2-3 Magic reminds us not to neglect the positive aspects of parenting," says Becky, a Detroit mom who moderates a support group for parents of ADD kids. "I used to talk only when I was annoyed. Now I try to speak up with praise or make positive connections when things are going well."

As you praise more, fight the urge to "over-parent." That's the term Dr. Phelan uses to describe the pattern of needless correction, supervision, or disciplinary commentary that parents often fall into - things like "Tie your shoes!" or "Put on your coat!" or "Chew more slowly."

Despite your good intentions, comments like these irritate and demean your child - and undermine her ability to take care of herself. Your central "message" to your child becomes, as Dr. Phelan puts it: "I have to worry about you so much because you're incompetent; there's not much you can do on your own without my supervision and direction."

Often, it's better for children to learn "start" behaviors on their own - and if they make mistakes, so be it. "There are times when staying out of problems is the best thing," says Dr. Phelan. "Let the big, bad world teach the child what works and what doesn't." If your daughter keeps forgetting her coat in the winter, for example, maybe you should let her be cold. If she neglects to put her dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, she can go to the party in a soiled dress. If your son forgets his homework, let the teacher keep him late after school to make it up.

In each case, you're letting the consequences of your child's mistakes teach him or her the important lesson without having to say a word.

Why the system is so effective

Dr. Phelan's system works, in part, because it helps parents avoid two common mistakes: Talking too much and showing too much emotion. After all, says Dr. Phelan, children are not "little adults" who can be persuaded to change their behavior. Yelling at or otherwise showing anger to a child does little but escalate the confrontation, leading to what Dr. Phelan calls the "talk-persuade-argue-yell-hit syndrome."

Parents often assume that the more information they give their kids, the more compliant their children will become. The opposite is usually true. Dr. Phelan explains: "When Mom wants Tommy to stop teasing his sister, for example, the simple warning, 'That's one,' is clearer and more attention-getting than a recitation of five reasons why teasing is bad. Parental lectures and nagging not only confuse children, they also irritate them - thus reducing the chances of cooperation."

There's another reason 1-2-3 Magic is so effective with kids who easily become confused or overly excited. "Moms and dads often share these same characteristics with their children," explains Dr. Phelan. "Mom and dad, in other words, get mixed up by too much talking, and they get upset too quickly. When a challenging child is involved, these parent-child similarities make the task of reasonable discipline almost impossible."

This article comes from the April/May 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.

1-2-3 Magic, Part 3

Your child may fight the 1-2-3 Magic system, especially the first few times you use it. Hang in there. Parents who have tried the system say children respond amazingly well within a week or two - as long as parents avoid their old patterns of lecturing, arguing, scolding, and so on.

"Give it an honest try!" says Susan, a mother of three who has used 1-2-3 Magic for three years. "If you quit too soon, you'll never know what peace 1-2-3 Magic could have brought you."

Jonathan's transformation

Nancy knows firsthand how hard it is to discipline a child with ADD. The Seattle mom's third-born, Jonathan, now 13, was frequently disobedient, despite taking medication for ADD and oppositional defiant disorder and seeing a cognitive therapist. Nancy and her husband, Steve, first heard about 1-2-3 Magic when Jonathan was 11. They were skeptical.

"It seemed too easy," recalls Nancy. "The idea of getting a big, strong, angry kid to take a time-out - well, it didn't seem likely."

"The first day, Jonathan was more startled than anything," says Steve. "I think we counted him for talking back to us. What got his attention was that we didn't talk at all, just tried to count calmly as the video says to do."

After counting Jonathan to three, Susan says, "Steve led Jonathan up to his bedroom, and he actually sat there! Well, it was not that easy again for a couple of weeks. At first, Jonathan was madder than ever - I guess he had gotten used to us arguing with him. When we didn't, he went out of his way to test us. I thought we would have to put a lock on his door to make him obey the time-outs. But within two weeks Jonathan was hardly ever counted past two! "Nancy and Steve are amazed at the transformation in Jonathan's behavior. "This is a kid who gets mad if you look at him cross-eyed," says Steve. "It really has been magic."

Help for "forgetful" Erin

For Fiona, a mother from Phoenix, the problem wasn't an explosive child but one who was habitually inattentive and disorganized. Fiona's nine-year-old, Erin, drove her mom crazy by forgetting to do her homework and by failing to get ready for school on time each morning. Fiona was run ragged because she had to help Erin with almost everything (or felt that she did).

"I'd pull out the spelling list and have to sit there pointing at each word while the dinner burned," recalls Fiona. "Or I'd hunt down the reading book or Erin's pencils, her eraser, markers, paper, and on and on. In the morning, I was practically dressing her myself. She couldn't pour a bowl of cereal without wandering off and goofing around. When the bus came, she was still in her pajamas, and her backpack was who knows where."

Fiona helped Erin become more responsible by finding ways to shift the responsibility for getting things done back to her daughter.

"I started out using a kitchen timer to keep Erin focused on her homework," says Fiona. "I made it like a game, to see if she could get all her supplies together herself before the timer went off. We also began a chart, a daily calendar with stickers to add if she got her homework done and showed it to me before eight at night. If she got a certain number of stickers, she could pick from the 'date jar.' I put in slips of papers with ideas for activities for just the two of us, like 'make cookies' or 'take a walk to the park.'"

Another strategy that proved effective with Erin was forcing her to face the consequences of her mistakes. Once Erin forgot to change for school - and went to class in her pajamas. "I didn't do that again," says Erin.

If you use charting, agree in advance how many successes it takes to win a prize (which might mean staying up late, having a special date with mom or dad, or another nonmaterial thing).

Alternatively, dock your child's allowance each time he neglects to do what's expected of him (for instance, withhold 25 cents each time you have to feed the cat because your son forgot). If fining your child doesn't work, dock another prized commodity, such as access to TV or to a favorite game.

Children, especially young ones, like to try to win time-limit contests. For example, you might say, "I see four things in the playroom that need cleaning up. I bet you can't find them and clean them up in 10 minutes." Chances are, your five-year-old will say, "I bet I can."

Before You Try 1-2-3 Magic

• Think about your current approach to obedience problems. How will the 1-2-3 Magic approach work differently? How is your child likely to react - and how will you handle it?

• With your spouse, consider role-playing typical conflicts so that you can work better as a team.

• Make sure you understand the differences between the techniques used to stop misbehavior (whining, nagging, and so on) and those used to start desired conduct (doing chores or homework).

This article comes from the April/May 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.