Helping Kids Who Hit

9 ways to help children with ADD rein in aggression and keep their hands to themselves.

by Carol Brady, Ph.D.

Is your child with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) a hitter? Does he shove people or throw things at them? Does she ignore warnings to "keep your hands to yourself"? Well, take heart. It may take a while, but aggressive kids can learn to control violent impulses.

Over the years, I've helped countless children with ADD ADHD thanks to this nine-point plan:

1. Define the problem behavior

Each time your child displays physical aggression, let him know exactly what he did wrong. Tell him what to do (rather than what NOT to do) the next time a similar situation arises. "I want you to use self-control" or "Use your words when angry" usually works better than "Don't hit."

2. Control your own behavior

It's not easy to stay calm when your child has just punched a playmate for the umpteenth time. But do your best. Next time your child lashes out, demonstrate appropriate behavior by speaking calmly, but firmly, rather than by shouting (or spanking).

3. Be empathetic

Let your child know that you understand how hard it is to control aggression. Once she calms down, say something like, "You seemed to be angry because your friend won the game" or "I know you get angry when other children tease you, but hitting will only hurt your friendships." Listen carefully to what she says in response.

4. Devise a plan for self-restraint

Telling your child to say, "Stop it, you're bothering me" may not do the trick. In emotionally charged situations, ADD kids have trouble recalling even simple phrases like that. Instead, ask your child what he thinks he can do to rein in his aggression when something bothers him. You may be surprised at the thoughtfulness of his ideas.

Some kids I've worked with chose to put their hands in their pockets at the first hint of conflict. Others decided simply to walk away. Whatever you both come up with, make it clear that the plan is an experiment. If it fails, and he once again lashes out physically, he can return to the drawing board without feeling hopeless.

This article comes from the April/May 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.

When Kids Hit, Part 2

5. Reward good behavior

Praising a child for not hitting or pushing makes sense, of course, but specific rewards are extra incentives. Come up with a list of rewards your child can claim for good behavior. It might be a toy, or being the one to pick out a movie on Friday night, or time playing a favorite board game, or simply "special time" when the parent is "all hers."

Make sure that the reward is something your child really wants. ADD kids change their tastes and interests even more rapidly than other children. I've seen kids who were obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh cards one week grow bored by them the next. Ask your child which rewards are best for him.

6. Impose consequences for bad behavior

Let your child know the specific consequences she will face next time she resorts to physical aggression. Depending upon your child's age, the consequences might include a time-out, writing a letter of apology, losing a special privilege, and so on.

Parents and teachers often assume that the child knows the rules governing behavior. But without regular reminders, children with ADD tend to forget rules (and the consequences for breaking them).

7. Identify "hot spots" for problem behavior

Does your child pick fights at birthday parties? During playdates? Identify the situations that seem to set off your child, and consider whether you can modify them (for instance, by reducing the number of children at a playdate) or skip them entirely.

If you decide your child should participate in a troublesome situation, remind him on the way to the playdate that you expect him to behave. Talk about the behavioral plan she should employ and the consequences she will face if she fails to control herself. If a particular time or place at school is a "hot spot," look into accommodations. For example, if a child gets into fights on the playground, ask the teacher if he can spend recess at a computer or in the library.

8. Don't expect perfection

Observe your child's behavior, and give enthusiastic praise for each step she takes toward "being the boss of her own body." Let's say your child swings at her brother. Instead of telling her how disappointed you are, you might say, "I saw you swing at your brother, but I could tell you stopped yourself in time. You're making a real effort not to hit, and that's terrific." Honest praise can be a powerful motivator.

9. Be reassuring

When children have trouble keeping their hands to themselves, they're often just as disappointed as their parents. If your child seems blue following an aggressive episode, make sure he doesn't feel too discouraged. Tell him you love him. Remind him of all the times he did maintain self-control - and of what a great, funny, creative child he is.

This article comes from the April/May 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.