Parenting Tips for ADHD Moms

Our roundup, filled with tons of useful ideas for parenting, household help, and school, help when both mom and child have ADD or ADHD.

by Eunice Sigler

Children with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) thrive on organization, structure, and consistency. They need reminders and support to finish their homework, to get to school on time, to keep their impulses in check, and so on.

So what happens when parents find themselves battling their own impulsivity, distractibility, and disorganization? In other words, what happens when ADHD affects parents as well as their kids?

It's a common problem. Up to 35 percent of all ADHD ADD children have one or more parents with attention deficit disorder, recent studies suggest.

"The genetic facts overwhelmingly prove that ADHD ADD begets ADHD ADD," says Joel L. Young, M.D., medical director of the Rochester Center for Behavioral Medicine in suburban Detroit and the author of ADHD Grown Up. "Parenting an ADD child is difficult under any circumstances. It's more difficult by a factor of 10 if the parent has ADD himself or herself."

Emphasize the positive

How can a mother be an effective parent — and retain a sense of optimism — when ADD seems to loom from all sides? Remember the positive aspects of ADD, experts say; people with ADD tend to be creative, "outside-the-box" thinkers, imbued with playfulness and spontaneity.

"Adults with ADD tend not to lose their childlike way of seeing the world," says Terry Matlen, M.S.W., a Birmingham, Michigan, therapist who specializes in adult ADD. "They have more fun. They find it easier to be at their kids' level, to step out of their adult skin."

Similarly, says Matlen, parents should celebrate positive aspects of ADD in their children. For example, kids with ADD may not be as organized as other kids, but they have strengths "normal" kids don't have.

Matlen, who has ADD herself, urges parents with ADD to get the support they need—medication, coaching, whatever — before trying to help their children. She likens the situation to the guidelines regarding the use of oxygen masks on commercial airliners: Put on your child's oxygen mask only after you have donned your own mask.

Realistic expectations

Another helpful strategy is simply to have realistic expectations for yourself and your children. "Realize, as a parent and as a family with ADD, that there are differences in your family and special challenges," says Matlen. "You are not going to be like the Joneses down the block, who have their homework done or their papers filed seemingly without effort."

Having realistic expectations also helps parents avoid certain emotional problems. "Self-esteem is the biggest challenge I see," says Sari Solden, a psychotherapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan. "Parents say to me, 'How can I hide my problems from my children?' or, 'I want to teach them not to be like me.' The child gets the message that the parent thinks she herself is bad and, therefore, the child must be bad, too."

Setting up systems

Of course, feeling better about yourself doesn't get supper prepared on time or ensure that your child finishes his homework. For these concerns, the key to coping is to create systems - for preparing meals, keeping clutter to a minimum, making sure chores get completed, and so on.

Terrie Lynn Bittner, an ADD mom who raised three children with ADD, says, "We tried not to put anything into our lives that wasn't necessary or fun. That cut down on stress a great deal." Bittner applies the same principle to room cleaning, arguably the most challenging of household chores for ADD parents. "We rely on large bins to organize materials and to simplify cleaning," she says. "The kids can quickly go through a pile of stuff, then I can put the bins out of sight."

She also uses a variety of tools to keep her family on track. There are whiteboards in every bedroom and one on the kitchen door to remind everyone of their "to-do's."

This article comes from the February/March 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.

ADD Moms, Part 2

Susan Odegaard Turner, of Thousand Oaks, California, didn't realize she had ADD until her children were diagnosed. "Things that worked for one didn't work for the other," she says. "With my son, I had to give one direction at a time to get him to go from Step A to B to C. My daughter could handle more directions given at the same time, but they couldn't be in the wrong order, or she'd do them in the wrong order." Odegaard Turner writes lists for herself and pastes sticky notes everywhere to jog her memory.

And she has learned to focus on her strengths. As an emergency room nurse, for example, she has found her ADD to be a plus. "There are a million things going on at once," she says. "The ability to change your focus every five minutes is an asset in that environment."

Systems for the household

• Write everything down.
  Anything that might be forgotten or overlooked by any member of the family—phone messages, to-do lists, appointments—should go into a notebook or PDA. Date every entry. Keep paper and pen beside every phone in the house.

• Maintain a family schedule.
  Get a large wall calendar, and display it where everyone can see it. This should be color-coded for each family member. All family members who are old enough to do so should post their own appointments, due dates, and so on. The more children are involved in the scheduling process, the more likely they are to stay on track.

• Create a morning ritual for the kids.
  Let each child know exactly what he should do each morning: Put on clothes, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and so on. If your child has trouble remembering, create a poster that shows what to do and in what order. If your child takes medication, consider waking him up early and giving him his pill in bed, then letting him go back to sleep for a half hour.

• Get up 30 minutes before your child.
  Use the time to make lunch, pack his backpack, and so on, to prevent last-minute crises. If you're an evening person, do these chores before going to bed.

• Be consistent about mealtimes.
  That goes for breakfast, for supper, and for weekend meals, as well. You may have to vary mealtimes to accommodate sports events and other activities, but do your best to keep mealtimes consistent.

• Simplify grocery shopping.
  Mothers with ADD often have trouble deciding what to cook. At the grocery store, they forget what to buy - or they feel overwhelmed by all the choices on the shelves. To avoid this, list several meals you intend to prepare (simple is better) on index cards. Each card should cover a single meal, including the ingredients for each dish. Keep the cards in your purse or briefcase, so they'll be handy. Some families buy groceries once a week, others shop every day. Any approach is fine, as long as you're consistent. Be sure to take along your meal cards, and buy only what is on the cards.

• Enlist your spouse or another non-ADD person to help with housework, homework, babysitting, and so on.
  "If you are a working parent," says Matlen, "give yourself 15 minutes of downtime when you first get home before jumping into family responsibilities." Take a "time out" whenever you feel overwhelmed. If necessary, hire household help or barter with trusted friends and neighbors.

Systems for discipline

• Don't be a dictator.
  As much as possible, let your child have a say in the rules that govern her behavior. Ask, "What do you think the consequences should be if you don't pick up your toys?" Often, children come up with punishments that are stricter than those their parents would consider appropriate.

• Explain your expectations.
  If you expect your child to pick up his toys before watching TV, for instance, plainly say, "I expect you to pick up your toys before you watch TV." If your child fails to comply, take away his television privileges.

• Pick your battles.
  Be as consistent as possible - but don't be afraid to let some things go. Also, make sure you and your spouse agree on matters of discipline, so that your child doesn't receive mixed messages. Does your partner understand the challenges you face? If not, family therapy can be helpful.

• Be liberal with compliments.
  Remind your child of his strengths, and do your best to "catch him being good" (completing homework, picking up toys, and so on). When you do catch him, offer praise. Think about how frequently you make negative comments - you might even keep a record of these for a day. If your negative comments outweigh the positive, it's time for a change. After all, ADD kids hear enough negative comments outside the home.

• Eliminate negative self-talk.
  If you complain about your own ADD, your children will pick this up and apply it to themselves. Stay optimistic, and focus on your positive aspects.

• Throw out conventional parenting "wisdom."
  Figure out what works for your family, and stick with that.

Systems for school

• Stay in the loop.
  It's easy to communicate with the teacher via a notebook that gets sent home each afternoon in your child's backpack. Another great way to communicate is e-mail. Establish a routine of e-mailing four questions to the teacher once a week:
  1. Tell me about my child's week.
  2. Will my child need any special materials in the coming week?
  3. Is my child missing any work?
  4. What is my child's current grade status?

To keep up with school papers (permission slips, meeting notices, and so on), ask the teacher to put them into a folder that your child carries to and from school in his backpack. Sign necessary forms, and put them back into that folder. Add any school-related events to the family calendar right away.

• Establish a homework routine.
  Children are generally less resistant to doing their homework assignments if they get a little downtime first. Another way to smooth the path is to give your child a snack that contains some protein, which helps boost mood and mental focus. If "homework wars" persist, consider asking an older student to come in and help.

What if your child keeps forgetting to bring things home? Set up a reminder system—for instance, a whiteboard with an icon for each item. Ask the teacher whether she can set up a similar system in the classroom.

• Prepare for parent-teacher conferences.
  Make a list of all the topics you'd like to discuss, and e-mail it to the teacher a week in advance of your meeting. When your child brings home completed assignments, place them in a folder that's kept by the calendar. Take the folder along to the meeting, so that you and the teacher have a clear sense of your child's academic progress.

• Talk with teachers early in the school year.
  Explain the challenges facing your family, and bring a list of what needs to be done about them at school.

This article comes from the February/March 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.