Parenting ADHD Children: Advice from Moms

Moms' advice for parenting ADHD children, creating an ADD-friendly household and smoothing out daily rough spots

by Arlene Schusteff

It’s the stuff attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) days are made of: You’re trying to get your daughter to finish her homework, but she insists on doing cartwheels across the living room. Or you’ve already had two big dustups with your son — and it’s only 9 a.m.

Sound familiar? Parents of ADHD children have a lot on their plates. And while doctors, therapists, and ADD coaches can offer helpful guidance, much of the best, most practical advice on parenting ADD children comes from those who have been there, done that. In other words, from other ADHD parents.

For this article, ADDitude asked members of support groups across the country (both live and online) for their tried-and-true parenting skill tips for monitoring behavior problems, disciplining and smoothing out the daily rough spots. Here’s what they said.

The morning routine

In many families, the friction starts soon after the alarm clocks sound. It’s not easy to coax a spacey, unmotivated child out of bed and into his clothes; the strategizing required to get the entire family fed and out the door on time would test the mettle of General Patton.

Getting off to a slower start can make all the difference, say parents. “We wake our son up a half-hour early,” says Toya J., of Brooklyn, New York, mother of eight-year-old Jamal. “We give him his medication, and then let him lie in our bed for a while. If we rush him, he gets overwhelmed — and so do we. Once the meds kick in, it’s much easier to get him going.”

Some parents aren’t above a little bribery. “In our house, it’s all about rewards,” says Jenny S., of New York City, mother of Jeremy, age seven. “Every time we have a good morning, I put a marble in the jar. For every five marbles, he wins a small reward.”

Amy B., of Los Angeles, mother of Jared, age seven, is another believer in reward systems. “If the TV is on, it’s impossible to get him moving. Now the TV stays off until absolutely everything is done and he’s ready to go. He moves quickly because he wants to watch that television.”

Another way to keep your morning structured and problem-free is to divide it into a series of simple, one-step tasks. “I’m the list queen,” says Debbie G., of Phoenix, mother of Zach, 10. “I put a list on his bedroom door that tells him step-by-step what he needs to do. I break his morning routine down into simple steps, like ‘BRUSH TEETH,’ ‘MAKE BED,’ ‘GET DRESSED,’ and ‘COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST.’ The key is to make it easy to follow.”

What about kids who simply cannot, or will not, do what’s asked of them? When 10-year-old Liam refuses to comply, his mom, Dina A., of New York City, shifts into “if-you-can’t-beat-’em,-join-’em” mode. “I can’t believe I’m admitting this,” she says, “but I wake him up and bring him cereal in bed. Once he’s gotten something to eat, he’s not as crabby.”

Behavior patterns

At first glance, a child’s misadventures may seem random. But spend a week or two playing detective, and you may see a pattern. Pay attention to the specific situations that lead to trouble and — even more important — to the times of day when trouble usually occurs.

“You may find that tantrums come at certain times of the day,” says Laura K., of San Francisco, mother of Jack, eight. “With my son, we found that it was right after the medication wore off. So we asked the doctor for a small booster dose to get us through. It’s worked wonders for cutting down on the bad behavior.”

Sometimes children simply fail to see the connection between how they behave and how they’re treated. In such cases, behavior charts are a godsend. The idea is to post a chart, specifying the behaviors you expect and the rewards the child will earn for toeing the line.

Renee L., of Northbrook, Illinois, mother of Justin, nine, explains: “Once children see that good behavior gets them privileges and bad behavior gets them nothing, they’re more likely to comply.” It helps to focus on only a few behaviors at a time.

This article comes from the October/November 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.

Parent Tips, Part 2

Saying ‘no’ to screen time

For a weary parent, the sight of a child quietly watching TV, playing a video game, or working on a computer can seem heavenly. But too much screen time is not good—especially for kids who tend to hyperfocus. Once these kids have entered the video or computer “zone,” it’s hard to switch their focus to something important—homework, for example.

For these kids, placing limits on screen time is a must. But how do you do this without triggering a battle?

“My husband and I decided that the only way to control our son’s screen time was to have consistent rules,” says Lisa L., of San Francisco, mother of Corey, 12. “So we started a ticket system. At the beginning of each week, we give Corey 10 tickets. Each ticket is good for an hour of screen time, whether it’s used on TV, video games, or the computer. He knows that, once all 10 tickets are gone, that’s it. It has helped him learn to budget his time.”

Like Lisa, Kate W., of Los Angeles, mother of 10-year-old Alex, requires her son to ask before he turns on the TV or picks up his Game Boy. “If he has homework to do, or if we’re getting ready to go somewhere, he knows that I’m going to say ‘no,’” she says. “When he asks, I tell him to move on to something else.”

Help with homework

Children who have ADD sometimes forget to write down their assignments or bring home the textbooks needed to complete them—making it impossible to get their homework done. What can parents do to solve this common problem?

“We have a system in place with the teacher,” says Maggie H., of Chicago, mother of Jake, 11. “She gives Jake a list of his homework, and he hands it to me the minute he gets home. When he’s done with his assignments, I initial the list and send it back.”

Patty L., of Boston, mother of Brittany, 13, found an even simpler solution: “My daughter kept leaving her books at school, so we bought a second set to leave at home.” (If your child has an IEP, include this as an accommodation, and you won’t have to foot the bill for the duplicate set.)

Even if books and assignments do make it home, some kids are lost without constant supervision and coaching. Breaking assignments into manageable steps helps. So does staying nearby as your child plugs away. You can step in if your child gets frustrated or distracted.

“I used to send my daughter upstairs to do her homework,” says Linda S., of Grayslake, Illinois, mother of 10-year-old Emily. “But by the time she got there, she had forgotten all about it. Now she works at the kitchen table, where I can see what is going on.”

Parents of older children may find themselves butting heads with their kids every day after school, and wonder when to call it quits. “Homework was a battle,” says Marcus M., of Scottsdale, Arizona, father of Jonathan, 11. “One day I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, so I hired a teenager to come over after school each day to help Jon do his homework. It’s the best money I’ve ever spent. There are no more battles.”

If your child simply seems too tired to complete his homework in the evening, try shifting it to the morning. This strategy is especially helpful for kids who are involved in sports or other extracurricular activities.

“It was just too tough to do homework at night after a busy day,” says Debra S., of Las Vegas, mother of Sammi, 10. “Now we wake up earlier in the morning and do it when she is fresh. We started this when she was learning to read, and it still works.”

This article comes from the October/November 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.

Parent Tips, Part 3

Success with friends

It’s one of ADD’s ironies: Unpredictable, often volatile children seem to want play dates with kids who are even more unpredictable, even more volatile. But remember, you don’t have to do what your child asks—sometimes it makes sense for a parent to seek out other, more compatible playmates.

Alexa M., of Charleston, South Carolina, mother of eight-year-old Morgan, says she steers her daughter toward friends who are a bit younger than she is. “Getting to be the ‘big kid’ and the leader is good for her self-esteem,” she says.

It can also keep your child from running with the pack, and getting into trouble that way. “I used to think that my son would blend in with wilder kids,” says Lynne S., of Boston, mother of Jacob, seven. “I found that, even after everyone else would calm down, he kept going. The kids who were wild escalated his behavior. Now I encourage friendships with kids who won’t get him hyped up.”

If you suspect that a particular play date or activity could get dicey, take a rain check. “Once my son was invited to a laser tag party,” says Susan W., of Deerfield, Illinois, mother of Jake, 11. “I knew it would get wild and crazy, so I made an excuse and kept him home. It wasn’t worth the anxiety of worrying about what could happen. Sometimes it’s OK to say ‘no.’”

Of course, sometimes you can say “yes” to potentially difficult social situations, as long as they won’t last too long. That has proven true for Pam P., of Houston, mother of Sarah, eight: “Sarah’s friends go from one activity to the next, and play dates last for hours. But my daughter couldn’t handle long play dates. Now when she has a friend over, I limit it to an hour.”

No matter whom your child plays with, be prepared to take an active role in the goings-on. Many ADD kids have trouble organizing their activities, so you may have to do it for them. “Have activities planned, and let your child know ahead of time what is expected of him,” says Patricia S., of New York City, mother of Ethan, eight.

Another New York City mom, Lisa M., agrees that structuring play time can actually help kids let loose. “I found that I needed to structure the time for them,” she says of her nine-year-old twins, Dylan and Noah. “They couldn’t just run around with the other kids. I have to say to them, ‘Go on the swings, and when you’re done, come back by me. Go shoot baskets, and when you’re done, come back.’ It’s not exactly relaxing, but this approach has alleviated major problems.”

After all is said and done, even the most savvy parents need to know when to call it quits. “I always try to end a play date on a good note,” says Patricia S. “That means I end it before it starts to deteriorate.”

Sources of Advice

Ideas for this article were provided by members of the following support groups:

-- BabyCrowd.com
-- ADHDnews.com
-- ClubMom.com
-- CHADD of Chicago, 773-250-3200
-- CHADD of New York, 800-233-4050
-- CHADD of Northern California, 888-759-9758

This article comes from the October/November 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.