How We Missed Our Daughter's ADD

Our daughter's attention deficit disorder (ADD) went undiagnosed for years while she struggled with distractibility, inattentiveness, and depression. Here's how we all got healed - and educated about attention deficit disorder.

by Marybeth Lambe, Ph.D.

Chengming, our ADHD daughter, paced back and forth, her forehead wrinkled in concentration, then stopped in front of me. “It was noisy, all the kids were talking at once,” she began. “The teacher said something, but I don’t remember what we were supposed to do.”

Another teenager may have sounded angry, but my 14-year-old daughter only seemed defeated and embarrassed. And why wouldn’t she? She’s had such struggles since we adopted her and brought her home, at five years old. She couldn’t remember what to do to solve word problems, and her essays meandered.

Whenever my husband, Mark, and I tried to help her, we’d often find her in the middle of a daydream. “What?” Chengming would ask, as she suddenly focused. “What were you saying?”

Our Absent-Minded Professor

Boys are much more likely to get a formal diagnosis of attention deficit disorder (ADHD) — teachers and parents notice their hyperactivity and impulsivity. Shy, inattentive Chengming faded into the background at school. Her sweetness and naiveté were charming; she seemed like an absent-minded professor.

When she caught herself daydreaming in the middle of a conversation, she apologized, if a bit vaguely. Yes, she seemed to be an airhead, but she was respectful, and she could pay attention at times. None of her teachers ever suggested that Chengming might have ADHD.

Those are my excuses now. I have spoken with many parents who told me that their (undiagnosed) daughters were passed from one grade to another, even though the quality of their work hinted at serious learning problems.

Recognizing the Signs

Through the years, Chengming has seen two psychologists and countless school counselors, for diagnosis and evaluation. They all agreed that she struggled with logic and complex reasoning. She was diagnosed as having problems with executive functions, so she was provided with academic support at school.

Even with an Individualized Education Program (IEP) in place, however, she continued to struggle. Still, ADHD never came up—until a wise and experienced school nurse stood up at an IEP meeting and declared, “If this kid doesn’t have ADD, I’ll eat my hat.”

At that point, we finally saw what we’d been missing — the burdens our daughter had borne from years of living with undiagnosed ADHD. Chengming had come to believe she was stupid, not merely forgetful. She was depressed and anxious over social interactions. My daughter was born without a left forearm and hand, which caused her much grief and embarrassment. Her daydreaming manner left her feeling even more ostracized.

How had we missed ADD in our daughter — and missed it for so many years? She was often at a loss for words, losing her train of thought. She fell apart if confronted by a complex problem. One day, as I was reading a story problem to Chengming, she blocked her ears and cried, “I can’t keep this all in my head! Stop it!” She struggled to focus on what we were saying, but our interactions often ended with her staring at us shyly and asking, “Huh?”

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This article comes from the Spring 2009 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, SUBSCRIBE NOW!

A New Child

Two months and two ADD medication trials later, Chengming was a new child. I never imagined that we would give any of our children a stimulant medication. All nine of our kids eat organic foods and avoid excessive sugar and refined ingredients. The television stays off on weekdays, and we all get plenty of exercise working the farm. My husband and I are against pills, yet we were forced to rethink that after Chengming prospered on medication. She took pride in her ability to participate in and follow lessons and discussions.

Chengming said it best: “ADHD has its ups and downs. My parents and teachers help keep me on schedule. My medicine keeps me from drifting away. I feel less confused and annoyed with myself. Having ADHD also has its upside. I like daydreaming when I am walking home from school or before I go to sleep. It’s nice to take a break from worrying about being distracted or forgetting something important. Daydreaming gives me ideas for stories I want to write, and helps me imagine my future.”

I am appalled at the ignorance and arrogance of those who tell me that I am an awful parent for medicating my child with ADHD. When I meet someone who’s critical of our decision to use medication, I know this person never struggled for months with such problems, never read reams of research, nor talked with other parents facing similar dilemmas. “No parent makes such a decision lightly. Do not presume our medical decisions were made thoughtlessly,” I want to (and sometimes do) say. “Unless you have walked in our daughter’s shoes, don’t dismiss her struggles and her solutions.”

We Have Arrived

Our family arrived at a diagnosis of ADHD after a long journey. Those who do not believe in ADHD or ADD would be wise to heed what Benjamin Franklin said: “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

Chengming doesn’t see the world as do many of her classmates. As school gets tougher, and Chengming grapples with mathematics, logic, memorization, and geography, she never complains. She bears her struggles better than most adults would. She is kind, peaceful, gentle, and valiant. Chengming endures. Yes, I get petulant and impatient, but I admire her always. I am proud—always proud—that she is our daughter.

ADD is a challenge, yet it gives our daughter a unique view of the world. Chengming is a dreamer, an optimist, and a hopeless romantic. The world might benefit from more souls with such imaginations. Our family has.

This article comes from the Spring 2009 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, SUBSCRIBE NOW!