Strategies for healthy, happy families.
by Edward Hallowell, M.D.
Many problems will take care of themselves if all family members know the facts about ADD and understand what’s going on. Listen to everyone’s questions, and make sure they all get answered. Let in extended family members, too. The more they know, the more help they will be.
Not mom’s or dad’s, not brother’s or sister’s, and not the fault of the person who has it. All family members must understand this. Lingering feelings that ADD is just an excuse for irresponsible behavior or laziness will sabotage treatment.
Unlike some medical problems, ADD touches everybody in the family in a daily, significant way. Let each member of the family become a part of the solution, since each has been involved with the problem.
The attention may be negative, but the child with ADD often gets more than his share. And when one child has ADD, the others often get less attention. This imbalance creates resentments among siblings, and deprives them of what they need. Siblings need a chance to voice their own concerns, worries, resentments, and fears. They need to be allowed to get angry as well as to help out.
ADD affects everyone in the family, some silently. Let those who are in silence speak.
Get everyone pointed toward positive goals, rather than negative outcomes. Applaud and encourage success. One of the most difficult tasks for ADD families is getting onto a positive track. But once this is done, the results can be fantastic. A good therapist or coach can help.
All family members need to know what is expected of them, what the rules are, and what the consequences are.
Typical problem areas are study time, mornings, bedtime, dinnertime, times of transition (leaving the house and the like), and vacations. Once these are identified, everyone can approach problems more constructively. Negotiate how to make it better. Ask one another for specific suggestions and brainstorm solutions together. Approach problems as a team.
Consistency helps, so try to present a united front. The less that either parent can be manipulated, the better.
Sometimes a person won’t believe something a family member says, but will listen if it comes from a wise person (teacher, pediatrician, therapist, other parents and children) on the outside.
Cultivate as many supports as possible. From pediatrician to family doctor to therapist, from support group to professional organization to national conventions, from friends to relatives to teachers and schools, make use of whatever supports you can find. Group support can help you solve problems and keep your perspective.
Sometimes the keys to success in treatment are persistence and humor. Call someone who will listen to the bad news but will also lift your spirits. And keep reminding yourself of the positive aspects of ADD — energy, creativity, intuition, good-heartedness. Remember that many, many people with ADD do very well in life.