Making Friends: Relationship Advice for ADHD Adults

Relationship advice for making new friends and keeping touch with old ones -- without letting your adult ADD get in the way.

by Michele Novotni, Ph.D.

Who needs friends? We all do! Research shows that people who have many friends live longer and have fewer illnesses than people with few friends.

But adults with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) often need a bit of relationship advice. They may have trouble making and keeping friends. No wonder: When you're afraid you might say or do something offensive, or if you have trouble following conversations, social interaction isn't relaxing and energizing. It's emotionally draining.

"I work all week," one of my clients explained. "Then, on weekends, I'm expected to socialize. People don't understand that, for me, that is work, too." If this sounds like you, fight the urge to opt out of socializing. It may never be second nature, but there are ways to make it easier:

Engage in the social activities you enjoy the most (or dislike the least).

Movies, concerts, and other outings that require little conversation are less draining than parties, dinners, and such conversation-heavy activities. Vigorous sports, including tennis, racquetball, basketball, and aerobics classes, allow for even less talk, while offering opportunity to move around.

When you do go out to dinner, an informal, buffet-style arrangement may be a better choice than a sit-down meal, where sustained conversation is expected. A buffet setting gives hyperactive types a chance to get up frequently; it lets inattentive types take breaks to "regroup" before rejoining the conversation.

Keep things simple.

Social events don't have to be elaborate affairs. How about hosting a potluck dinner? Or meeting friends at a coffee shop, taking a walk around the neighborhood together, or simply inviting them over to watch TV with you?

There's also nothing wrong with asking a friend to come along when you have to go to the grocery store or car repair shop. Running errands with a friend lets you be sociable while knocking something off your to-do list. Double-dipping at its best!

Make a list of your friends.

This is an easy way to stay current with your friends and acquaintances. To create it, comb through your address book, cell phone directory, and your e-mail inbox. Look over the list once a week or so. See if there is anyone you want to call or have lunch with.

Some ADDers use such a list as a "friend journal," noting each time they see or talk to a particular person. Knowing when you were last in touch helps you avoid going too long before your next contact.

Schedule efforts to stay in touch.

Some of my clients spend an hour each Friday or Sunday evening calling or e-mailing friends; others set aside 10 minutes a day. If you're afraid you'll lose track of time, use a timer, such as the one on your cell phone, or a Timetimer watch.

I recommend making contact with close friends at least once a week, even if it's only a quick phone call or e-mail. If they live nearby, get together once a month, or once a year if they live far away. For acquaintances and others with whom you're not so close (parents of your children's classmates, for example), once-a-month contact is about right, with an outing scheduled at least once every three months.

Not every contact has to lead to a meeting or involve a blow-by-blow of your life. Just let others know you're thinking of them.

This article comes from the August/September 2006 issue of ADDitude.

To read this issue of ADDitude in full, purchase the back issue and SUBSCRIBE NOW to ensure you don't miss a single issue.