Finding Friends, Part 2
Big kids have bigger problems
For young children, a lack of social skills may not be a serious problem. If a six-year-old says or does something untoward, for example, other children may ask why, but are unlikely to take offense. What's more, young kids typically have a hands-on "social director"—a parent or caregiver who solicits play dates and stays on hand to make sure they go smoothly.
But as children get older, social interactions become more complicated—and children with ADD fall behind. This was certainly true for Jay Edmond, a 15-year-old from Burlington, North Carolina. Jay's mother, Jodi, says that his odd comments and disruptive behavior became too much for his peers. "Kids he had been friends with started steering clear," she says. "By middle school, he was a marked kid. The more the kids pushed him away, the more outrageous his behavior got."
What about teenagers? "By high school, parents of all kids need to be backing off and letting them manage their own relationships," says Rick Zakreski, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Shrewsbury, New Jersey. "In high school, there usually are so many possible activities that they're likely to find a niche. Keep an open mind. Don't judge his group by appearances."
But don't back off too far: A recent study of nearly 12,000 seventh- through twelfth-graders discovered that teens who have warm relationships with their parents—they talk often, share activities, and are affectionate with each other—also tend to have good friendships.
Parents must get involved
Parental involvement is essential if ADD kids are to make and keep friends. That can mean something as simple as helping your child initiate conversations and "supervising from the window," as one parent puts it. It can mean driving your child to another town to visit a potential friend. It can mean attending a parents' workshop given in conjunction with your child's friendship group, or talking to your child's therapist.
"Some of the hardest work I do is with the parents of ADD children," says Avie Lumpkin, an ADD coach in Alameda, California. "They are good parents, and they have worked hard, but they may be trying the traditional parenting things, which don't work."
ADD kids often have little sense of how they're perceived by their peers, and they commit social gaffes without realizing they've done so. Another kid will give them a shove, and they'll fail to realize that calling the kid a "jerk" a moment ago had anything to do it. Or they'll have no idea that a game broke up because they kept ignoring the rules.
To help, Lavoie urges parents to conduct what he calls a "social autopsy": Parents and child discuss what went wrong, why it happened, and what the child could (not should) do differently next time. Be as sensitive and as tactful with your child as you would be with a close adult friend; too much negative feedback can damage your child's self-esteem. When your child has a successful interaction, congratulate him.
According to Michael Thompson, author of Best Friends Worst Enemies, one of the most effective things parents can do is to set a good example. In addition to socializing frequently, that means making an effort to forge friendships with the parents of your child's peers. Thompson also recommends enlisting the support of your child's teachers, and staying connected to the community through clubs, religious organizations, and so on.
