Is your child with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) a hitter? Does he shove people or throw things at them? Does she ignore warnings to "keep your hands to yourself"? Well, take heart. It may take a while, but aggressive kids can learn to control violent impulses.
Over the years, I've helped countless children with ADD ADHD thanks to this nine-point plan:
1. Define the problem behavior
Each time your child displays physical aggression, let him know exactly what he did wrong. Tell him what to do (rather than what NOT to do) the next time a similar situation arises. "I want you to use self-control" or "Use your words when angry" usually works better than "Don't hit."
2. Control your own behavior
It's not easy to stay calm when your child has just punched a playmate for the umpteenth time. But do your best. Next time your child lashes out, demonstrate appropriate behavior by speaking calmly, but firmly, rather than by shouting (or spanking).
3. Be empathetic
Let your child know that you understand how hard it is to control aggression. Once she calms down, say something like, "You seemed to be angry because your friend won the game" or "I know you get angry when other children tease you, but hitting will only hurt your friendships." Listen carefully to what she says in response.
4. Devise a plan for self-restraint
Telling your child to say, "Stop it, you're bothering me" may not do the trick. In emotionally charged situations, ADD kids have trouble recalling even simple phrases like that. Instead, ask your child what he thinks he can do to rein in his aggression when something bothers him. You may be surprised at the thoughtfulness of his ideas.
Some kids I've worked with chose to put their hands in their pockets at the first hint of conflict. Others decided simply to walk away. Whatever you both come up with, make it clear that the plan is an experiment. If it fails, and he once again lashes out physically, he can return to the drawing board without feeling hopeless.
This article comes from the April/May 2006 issue of ADDitude.
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