Joel L. Young M.D.
Children with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) thrive on organization, structure, and consistency. They need reminders and support to finish their homework, to get to school on time, to keep their impulses in check, and so on.
So what happens when parents find themselves battling their own impulsivity, distractibility, and disorganization? In other words, what happens when ADHD affects parents as well as their kids?
It's a common problem. Up to 35 percent of all ADHD ADD children have one or more parents with attention deficit disorder, recent studies suggest.
"The genetic facts overwhelmingly prove that ADHD ADD begets ADHD ADD," says Joel L. Young, M.D., medical director of the Rochester Center for Behavioral Medicine in suburban Detroit and the author of ADHD Grown Up. "Parenting an ADD child is difficult under any circumstances. It's more difficult by a factor of 10 if the parent has ADD himself or herself."
Emphasize the positive
How can a mother be an effective parent — and retain a sense of optimism — when ADD seems to loom from all sides? Remember the positive aspects of ADD, experts say; people with ADD tend to be creative, "outside-the-box" thinkers, imbued with playfulness and spontaneity.
"Adults with ADD tend not to lose their childlike way of seeing the world," says Terry Matlen, M.S.W., a Birmingham, Michigan, therapist who specializes in adult ADD. "They have more fun. They find it easier to be at their kids' level, to step out of their adult skin."
Similarly, says Matlen, parents should celebrate positive aspects of ADD in their children. For example, kids with ADD may not be as organized as other kids, but they have strengths "normal" kids don't have.
Matlen, who has ADD herself, urges parents with ADD to get the support they need—medication, coaching, whatever — before trying to help their children. She likens the situation to the guidelines regarding the use of oxygen masks on commercial airliners: Put on your child's oxygen mask only after you have donned your own mask.
Realistic expectations
Another helpful strategy is simply to have realistic expectations for yourself and your children. "Realize, as a parent and as a family with ADD, that there are differences in your family and special challenges," says Matlen. "You are not going to be like the Joneses down the block, who have their homework done or their papers filed seemingly without effort."
Having realistic expectations also helps parents avoid certain emotional problems. "Self-esteem is the biggest challenge I see," says Sari Solden, a psychotherapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan. "Parents say to me, 'How can I hide my problems from my children?' or, 'I want to teach them not to be like me.' The child gets the message that the parent thinks she herself is bad and, therefore, the child must be bad, too."
Setting up systems
Of course, feeling better about yourself doesn't get supper prepared on time or ensure that your child finishes his homework. For these concerns, the key to coping is to create systems - for preparing meals, keeping clutter to a minimum, making sure chores get completed, and so on.
Terrie Lynn Bittner, an ADD mom who raised three children with ADD, says, "We tried not to put anything into our lives that wasn't necessary or fun. That cut down on stress a great deal." Bittner applies the same principle to room cleaning, arguably the most challenging of household chores for ADD parents. "We rely on large bins to organize materials and to simplify cleaning," she says. "The kids can quickly go through a pile of stuff, then I can put the bins out of sight."
She also uses a variety of tools to keep her family on track. There are whiteboards in every bedroom and one on the kitchen door to remind everyone of their "to-do's."
This article comes from the February/March 2006 issue of ADDitude.
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