What did you say?
Q. When I sit down to talk with my ADHD spouse, he jumps from one topic to another, and I can’t follow him. When I ask him to explain what he means, he hits the roof. What can I do?
First, have a conversation and go with the flow of his thoughts. Try to follow the drift of his words without worrying about point-by-point specifics. After he’s done, repeat what you think he said. Say, “So you’re saying X.” If you misunderstand, he’ll correct you without feeling that you’re attacking him.
Second, point out to your spouse that people without ADD think more linearly than those who have it. These differences lead to misunderstandings between the two of you. Remind him that your questions are meant to clarify what he said, and that you are not criticizing him. Or, if you find this difficult to discuss with him, write a short letter explaining why it’s important that you and he respect each other’s ways of processing information. Your goal is to defuse his anger by helping him understand that the communication breakdown is due to the fact that your brains are wired differently. I’m sure that this approach will result in more productive talks.
Her cheating heart
Q. I have been married for 15 years to a woman who has cheated on me multiple times. Each time I’ve caught her in an affair, she says she’ll do better, but she cheats again. I’m convinced her infidelity is related to her ADHD, but it still hurts. Your thoughts?
You have been sorely tested by your wife’s infidelities. Since you have tolerated her affairs, I would suggest a two-pronged approach. Work with a therapist who specializes in ADD, to determine what is causing your wife to seek the attention of others. Understanding her motivation may provide insight into what could help her, assuming she wants to change. If she craves stimulation, a high-stimulation hobby, combined with therapy, may help her resist the temptation of adultery. Or she may be able to calm her mind and cravings by starting medication or having her doctor tweak the dosage she’s currently taking. A therapist may recommend that she start a 12-step program for addiction, or that both of you undergo therapy together.
And you need to determine whether you can tolerate more infidelities. Some partners can accept affairs as an ongoing part of their relationship, while others can’t. Make sure that you are honest with yourself. If you think that one more affair will cause you to divorce your wife, she needs to understand your feelings before she decides to cheat again.
Scaring off my dates
Q. I’m 20 years old, and I am worried that girls stop dating me because of my ADD. I talk a lot and have trouble holding back how I feel. I often tell my partner—perhaps too enthusiastically—how attractive she is on the first date. How do I make girls realize that I mean well?
There are many available women, and one of them is right for you, just as you are. However, speaking before thinking can get you into trouble at work, as well as in relationships. Set the goal of learning—and practicing—the skill of “holding your tongue.” Some people with ADD suck on a lozenge to remind themselves to speak more slowly; others count to five, under their breath, before responding. Still others make themselves take a deep breath before answering. Pausing will enable your turbo brain to think up more subtle ways of showing your appreciation. Practice this with friends and family until you learn to slow your response time. It will help you at the workplace and on a date.
