The Relaxed Response Technique
1. Stop and breathe.
We are not always aware that we hold our breath when we encounter stress, so at the very beginning of a stressful situation, be certain that you continue breathing without interruption.
Breathe smoothly, deeply and evenly at the very first trigger. Breathe deep from the diaphragm, if you can, making sure to exhale completely.
2. Smile and throw your shoulders back.
A smile increases blood flow to the brain and transmits nerve impulses from the facial muscles to the limbic system, a key emotional center of the brain.
Smiling changes your emotional state favorably, by stimulating the release of certain neurotransmitters. Sit up, or stand up straight, as you smile, balancing your posture by lifting up your head and chin. Relax your jaw and shoulders. Pretend that your spine has a thread running through it and out the top of your head and that someone is gently tugging on it to pull you up straight. Smile and let yourself you feel happy and light, as your body relaxes.
3. Make a wave of relaxation spread over your body.
Create a "wave of relaxation" through your body as if you're standing in the ocean. If the image of water is uncomfortable for you, make an image of a warm breeze blowing over you. Have the wave or breeze wash or blow away all unnecessary tension. Keep your mind and body calm. Feel centered and in control.
4. Take control of the situation.
Take control of the situation by accepting it as it is. Avoid the paralysis of analysis. Don't start to fret with useless questions like, "Why is this happening to me?"
Ask yourself, "What can I do right now that will make this situation better?" Quickly look for solutions instead of getting locked on the problem. Focus on what you can control, instead of what you can't.
Choose to learn from the experience. Listen with an open mind, trying to resolve conflict, rather than create it. Apply your own personal golden rule or spiritual philosophy in place of anxiety or anger. Think clear honest thoughts and protect yourself without hurting other people.
Response Techniques To Criticism
Responding to criticism can be easy to do, when you learn to do so, assertively with out attacking or surrendering to the criticism. You may respond to accurate criticism appropriately by acknowledging the criticism with dignity, protecting yourself-esteem. Inaccurate criticism can be responded to by "fogging", a gentle technique that protects you and doesn't attack the critic. Vague or over-generalized criticism can be responded to with an appropriate technique of questioning to clarify the issue.
The first step is to acknowledge the criticism and any truth there is to the statement. When the criticism is accurate, acknowledge so, by saying you're right and paraphrasing the criticism, so you both know what you are in agreement about. If a thank you or an explanation seems appropriate, then briefly do so and get on with other things. Don't dwell on the criticism, yet be determined about ways in which you can learn from it.
When you are given an inaccurate criticism, you can use "fogging" as a technique to respond. This involves a token agreement with the critic by agreeing only in part. Example: If someone says you are undependable you can respond by saying that you sometimes forget appointments. You are not agreeing that you are undependable and you are acknowledging that you do forget on occasion.
You can also agree about the possibility of the critic being right, by responding with,"Yes, I might be undependable at times." You could also agree just with the principle of the criticism by restating the principle behind the criticism, such as,"You're right, being late is undependable."
A lot of criticism is vague and needs to be clarified with questioning before you can decide how to respond. Stay away from why questioning and use how, what, where and when questioning to clarify the details. Example: If someone says that what you are doing annoys them, ask specifically how it is annoying and when it annoys.
Following are three effective ways to be assertive that will help you to stand your ground without provoking a anger or setting someone else up to respond defensively. Oftentimes ADDers have been criticized so much, they react angrily and aggressively or become passive to others actions toward them. Which ever response you have that you would like to modify, keep in mind that practice makes perfect and the first few attempts at responding differently may be awkward and not received as well as you hoped for, so hang in there and keep trying until you become comfortable and relaxed with your new options for responding.
Broken Record Response
Calmly and slowly keep repeating in a monotone voice without particular emphasis on any one word or phrase, what it is you have to say, until it is recognized and received appropriately by the other individual.
Calmly and slowly keep restating your response or request, with more assertion each time. Always remembering to be polite when asking and say please. Speak more firmly each time holing your ground, but not becoming aggressive.
Respond being sensitive to the other persons point of view or plight, being sure to make your situation or point of view clear after you have acknowledged their point of view respectfully. Avoid using the word "but," replacing it with "and." Restating the other person's point of view, followed by the word 'but' negates what you have just said. Following it with the word 'and' will prevent the other person from becoming defensive or tuning you out.
Anger Assessment and Proactive Problem Solving
Identify your anger "triggers" and common situations in which they occur, so you can be prepared to respond differently. Be ready in this situations to take a deep breath, pause and respond in a calm and relaxed manner. Continue focusing on your breathing, relaxing your muscle tension and thinking pleasant and positive thoughts.
Identify negative thoughts and change them to appropriate positive sayings that you enjoy hearing yourself say. Self reminders such as "chill out" or "stay calm" are much easier to hear when we say them to ourselves before we hear them coming from someone else because we are beginning to behave angrily.
Think of the consequences that angry behavior will get you.
Think of the consequences that calm relaxed responses will get you!
Resolve to talk the incident over with a friend or coach later who can support and help you continue to respond in a way that will help you grow and become more satisfied with yourself.
If you are in a unbearable situation that you do not like, ask yourself, "What is the worst that could happen right now?" Chances are that the worst possible outcome won't happen, but you will be prepared for it, if it does.
Brainstorm positive solutions anger provoking situations and choose the best possible one to act upon. Decide a back up plan that is also positive and don't dwell on why the first one didn't work. Move on and learn from the experience.
Congratulate yourself each and every time you manage to change or modify a behavior that lessens your anger and gives you more options of responding in ways that are more appropriate for the fine person you are!