Parent Tips, Part 3
Success with friends
It’s one of ADD’s ironies: Unpredictable, often volatile children seem to want play dates with kids who are even more unpredictable, even more volatile. But remember, you don’t have to do what your child asks—sometimes it makes sense for a parent to seek out other, more compatible playmates.
Alexa M., of Charleston, South Carolina, mother of eight-year-old Morgan, says she steers her daughter toward friends who are a bit younger than she is. “Getting to be the ‘big kid’ and the leader is good for her self-esteem,” she says.
It can also keep your child from running with the pack, and getting into trouble that way. “I used to think that my son would blend in with wilder kids,” says Lynne S., of Boston, mother of Jacob, seven. “I found that, even after everyone else would calm down, he kept going. The kids who were wild escalated his behavior. Now I encourage friendships with kids who won’t get him hyped up.”
If you suspect that a particular play date or activity could get dicey, take a rain check. “Once my son was invited to a laser tag party,” says Susan W., of Deerfield, Illinois, mother of Jake, 11. “I knew it would get wild and crazy, so I made an excuse and kept him home. It wasn’t worth the anxiety of worrying about what could happen. Sometimes it’s OK to say ‘no.’”
Of course, sometimes you can say “yes” to potentially difficult social situations, as long as they won’t last too long. That has proven true for Pam P., of Houston, mother of Sarah, eight: “Sarah’s friends go from one activity to the next, and play dates last for hours. But my daughter couldn’t handle long play dates. Now when she has a friend over, I limit it to an hour.”
No matter whom your child plays with, be prepared to take an active role in the goings-on. Many ADD kids have trouble organizing their activities, so you may have to do it for them. “Have activities planned, and let your child know ahead of time what is expected of him,” says Patricia S., of New York City, mother of Ethan, eight.
Another New York City mom, Lisa M., agrees that structuring play time can actually help kids let loose. “I found that I needed to structure the time for them,” she says of her nine-year-old twins, Dylan and Noah. “They couldn’t just run around with the other kids. I have to say to them, ‘Go on the swings, and when you’re done, come back by me. Go shoot baskets, and when you’re done, come back.’ It’s not exactly relaxing, but this approach has alleviated major problems.”
After all is said and done, even the most savvy parents need to know when to call it quits. “I always try to end a play date on a good note,” says Patricia S. “That means I end it before it starts to deteriorate.”
Sources of Advice
Ideas for this article were provided by members of the following support groups:
-- BabyCrowd.com
-- ADHDnews.com
-- ClubMom.com
-- CHADD of Chicago, 773-250-3200
-- CHADD of New York, 800-233-4050
-- CHADD of Northern California,
888-759-9758
This article comes from the October/November 2006 issue of ADDitude.
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