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No. 1: Talk It Up — Together
Start with an honest discussion, not a finger-pointing diatribe. It should be directed at fixing the problems that are damaging your relationship, not about “fixing” the other person. Make sure that your partner agrees with the idea of improving the marriage. He might think everything is just fine.
No. 2: Timing is important.
Don’t talk about this when either of you is pressed for time, after an argument, or when you are ready to pull your hair out ... or your spouse’s. Choose a safe, neutral location, a venue away from home. Sometimes, just taking a walk opens up communication.
No. 3: Be clear about the things that aren’t working for you.
Pick one or two areas to focus on. Avoid accusation and don’t be defensive. Tell your partner how his words and actions (or inaction) make you feel, but try to see things from his perspective. Listen more than you speak. If you think you’ll have trouble finding the right words, practice out loud beforehand.
No. 4: Have your ADHD partner explain how ADHD affects him.
He should realize that ADHD symptoms explain his behavior, but they do not excuse it. Don’t harp on past failures or disappointments. The fact that things haven’t worked doesn’t mean they can’t change.
Next: 2 Ways to Focus on Strengths
A version of this article appears in the Summer 2009 issue of ADDitude.
Subscribe today to read the full issue!
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