Hiring an ADHD Coach, Part 2
Sarah’s feelings of inadequacy were understandable, but ADHD is not a character flaw. It is a neurobiological disorder. Ridding herself of those negative feelings was certainly possible, I assured her, but it was up to her to learn as much as she could about ADHD and take the responsibility to adjust her life accordingly.
Sarah learned, for example, that her ADHD brain sidetracked her. In time, she also learned that she didn’t deliberately forget the consequences of prior actions that caused her pain. The differences in her brain caused her to forget.
The same is true for you. ADHD won’t go away, so you must understand it and deal with the ways it affects you. Coaching helps bridge the gap between your desire to initiate an action and your actually performing it.
There’s no reason to let new commitments or challenges slip away with your resolve. You have to create new strategies to cope with the things that have overwhelmed you. You need new habits that use the strengths of your ADHD brain to succeed.
Fortunately, neuroscientists have found that the brain is flexible, that we can learn continually. Rehearsing actions forges new neural pathways in the brain, to develop competencies in areas that have been deficient. This flexibility of the brain, its ability to adapt, lets us learn new habits.
Understanding the adaptability of the brain can help you make positive, lasting changes, turning an “I can’t” into an “I can!” attitude. A coach serves as a cheerleader, helping you maintain hope as you do the difficult work of making changes in your life.
3. Become Responsible Without Guilt
A few years ago, my client, Connie, told me that our coaching relationship reminded her of what she’d been striving to create for her children. Whenever she thought about her childhood, she remembered her parents’ disappointment when she didn’t follow through on her tasks. She could still hear the sting of disapproval when they asked, “What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you finish your homework? How could you have lost your assignment pad?”
With her own children, Connie wanted to create an environment in which they wouldn’t feel judged or threatened, the way she had felt growing up. She wanted to address what they did wrong without judging them as people.
I try to create such an environment with my clients, and I offer nonjudgmental space for them to reflect on their behavior. Prodding gently, yet persistently, I help them discover strategies for coping with the demands of their lives. My urging has earned me a comparison to “Mother Teresa in army boots,” but it’s also led to successes that have changed my clients’ lives.
To succeed, you have to believe that you can succeed. Many people with ADHD have been labeled “stupid.” Refusing to accept this label can make all the difference in your life. By rejecting the negative scripts that hold you back, you can begin to see yourself more realistically.
4. Be Ready to Change
The question often arises about whether coaching can benefit anyone who is coping with ADHD. Experience has taught me that the answer lies in a client’s readiness to commit time and spirit to the endeavor.
“How will I know I’m ready?” you might ask. When you can admit that you have a problem, when you want to change, and when you agree to work hard at whatever is necessary. It’s also a leap of faith. You have to believe in the possibility of change and make a commitment to seeing it through.
I’ve worked with clients who seemed to have it all together at work, but fell apart doing ordinary tasks at home. I know a career woman who accomplishes great things at the office but can’t face the mountain of laundry at home. Coaching can provide a different way. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth the work. I know that my clients agree.
“Coaching offers something new to me, something I cannot describe,” one woman wrote about her experience. “I had no idea how painful the process was going to be, or how rewarding. One of the first things I discovered, that’s common among women with ADHD, is that I always had too much on my agenda for any given time period. I had no clue as to how to prioritize. Whatever was most pressing at the moment, or most interesting, might be next on my agenda. I spent a lot of time giving in to the overwhelmed feeling this method of getting through the day gave me.
“The coach’s questions are designed to get me moving. They’re not threatening, but they never feel like rewards. When she asks, ‘How are you going to get that done?’ or, ‘When are you going to have that completed?’ the pain gets worse. I sometimes ask myself, ‘Who would pay for this torture?’ My very next thought, though, is that I am grateful to have found someone to get me from point A to point B, without judgment and with much patience.”
That’s how ADHD coaching goes, really. It’s pain and it’s progress. It’s forward, it’s back, then forward again. It’s challenge and reward, at once.
You may be living in turmoil, but you don’t have to. By using strategies that you create, and learning to organize, plan, and prioritize, you’ll clear all the hurdles of daily living. My clients have done it. Now it’s your turn to say, “I can!”
This article comes from the Summer 2008 issue of ADDitude.
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