Twelve-year-old Ryan C. had been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) and learning disabilities in the third grade. With the help of tutoring and a stimulant, he had been doing well in school. But things became a little shaky in sixth grade, and got worse in the seventh.

He stopped doing homework, and refused help at school. Some days, he wouldn’t take his meds — or he pretended to take them and then spit them out. He was calling out in class and getting into trouble in the halls.

It was at this point that Ryan’s parents — enormously frustrated and worried about their son and his behavior problems —sought my help.

The power of peer pressure

The problems Ryan had been having, I told his parents, are not unusual for kids 10 to 12 years of age. These “tweens” — no longer children and not yet adolescents — have stopped caring about what grownups think of them. Now they’re focused on what their peers think.

Tweens are so eager to “fit in” that they’ll avoid doing just about anything that makes them seem different from friends and classmates. They dress alike, talk alike, and wear the same hairstyles. Take AD/HD meds? Forget about it. Accept accommodations at school? Work with a tutor? No way. “There’s nothing wrong with me!” these young people tell their parents. “Why do you want me to learn this? I’m never going to use it anyway.”

As tweens refuse the help they accepted a few years ago, their symptoms flare up and their grades go down. How did your sweet grade-schooler become this…this thing? What can you do to make things right again?

How to help your tween

Your child isn’t trying to be difficult. He’s only trying to protect his self-esteem. And as confused as you feel about the changes in his behavior, he probably feels more so. Keep these fundamental facts in mind next time he does something that defies logic.

Here is how to be a better parent for your tween:

• Understand what motivates your child. Elementary school students strive to get good grades, in part to please their parents and teachers. But by middle school, the primary goal of most tweens is to be accepted as one of the gang. Pleasing grownups doesn’t matter so much anymore.

• Make your child’s privacy a priority. Let her know that you understand that it can be embarrassing to be seen taking meds. Explore ways for her to take her doses in private. When she goes to a sleepover, for example, explain the situation to the host parents. (Let your child skip a dose, if necessary, to maintain her privacy.)

At school, your child should be allowed to end her lunchtime visits to the school nurse. Use an eight- or 12-hour dose of the stimulant to cover the entire school day.

Let teachers know that your child may refuse accommodations because they make her feel different. Ask if she could get help in a less obvious way. For example, instead of being pulled out of class to see a tutor or speech therapist, she might meet with the tutor or therapist at home.

This article comes from the October/November 2006 issue of ADDitude.

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