Helping Tweens, Part 2
- Don’t be the disciplinarian. If your child is acting out in class, failing to complete his assignments, and so on, let his teachers deliver the discipline. After all, you’ve probably found that battles over schoolwork only cause your child to resent you — and the work still doesn’t get done. If you and your child aren’t adversaries, the lines of communication will stay open.
Meet with the teachers at the start of the year to suggest alternative consequences for missed assignments, and so on. Maybe the teacher could require your child to spend lunch period in the classroom and do his work then — or to stay after school to do the work. After that, don’t get involved unless you feel that the school’s approach has been inappropriate.
- Pay less attention to grades. It’s not easy to watch a child struggle in school — especially one who had been doing well. But criticizing his academic performance will only intensify the stress your family is under. And, before high school, grades are less important than acquiring solid study skills.
- Hire a homework helper. Your child may be more likely to accept academic help from an older student than from you or a professional tutor. If your child needs help, find an intelligent high school student (of the same sex) who is willing, for a few dollars, to come over after school to see that homework gets done and that your child understands the material.
Continue to make yourself available in the evenings, in case your child asks you for assistance. But don’t push him to accept help from you.
Counseling can help
If your tween’s struggles leave you feeling overwhelmed, talk with his guidance counselor. After all, this is someone who spends her days surrounded by kids this age, and so is probably well-acquainted with different ways to meet your child’s needs. Or, like Ryan’s parents, you may wish to bring your concerns to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental-health professional.
What became of Ryan? Initially, he thought that seeing me was “stupid” and refused to come to sessions. So I worked with his parents, explaining why middle school was hard for him and how his LD and AD/HD caused him to feel rejected by his peers. Our discussion persuaded them to stop nagging Ryan about his homework, and to be more accepting of his new clothing and hairstyle, which had been major sources of conflict. On weekends, Ryan’s parents went out of their way to transport him to activities, sports events, and sleepovers with friends.
I also met with Ryan’s teachers. I asked them to provide more structure for his activities, and to avoid punishing him for fidgeting or calling out in class. They agreed to stop Ryan’s “pull-out” tutoring sessions, replacing them with weekly tutoring sessions at home.
Life has improved for Ryan and his parents. I expect that things will continue to get better over the next year or so, as Ryan matures out of tweenhood. As I told his parents, there is light at the end of the tunnel: adolescence.
