How To Make Love to an ADHDer

The key to bringing romance back into your relationship.

Many Adults with ADHD Struggle to Fall Asleep and Stay Asleep at Night. ADDitude Magazine

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

The non-ADHD partner needs to be aware of how ADHD affects sexual response in those who have it.

Distractibility, mood swings and other ADHD traits don't leave themselves at the bedroom door. Instead of being hurt when your ADHD lover suddenly finds fascination in some picture hanging on the wall or says something incredibly inappropriate, gently try to refocus the attention back to the two of you.

Different strokes

Mae West said that "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful." But, for people with ADHD and hypersensitivity to touch, even a little bit of a good thing may be too much — and it may not be wonderful at all. Ordinary touch, even that which may pleasant to most people, can have quite the opposite affect on someone who is hypersensitive. Again, communication is the key. Talk with your partner about what feels good and what doesn't.

Heightened sensitivities may apply to all senses, and this heightened awareness makes people with ADHD very sensual people. But sensuality works both ways. ADHD people tend to be extra sensitive to tastes, smells and sound, all of which may come into play during sex. Music, which may set a romantic mood, can become a distraction as the evening goes on. Try white noise — the kind of sound made by a fan — to lessen the distractions. Textures, like oils or lotions, may create more distraction than pleasure. Scented lotions can be especially distracting. On the other hand, so to speak, introducing something different may be just what the doctor ordered.

ADHD people crave new experiences. Novelty in sex can mean any number of things, but whatever is done needs to be agreeable to both partners. "Novel" sex doesn't have to look like something from a porno movie; occasionally trying a new position or a new location may be all a couple needs to do to keep things interesting.

Talk... and then, talk some more

Again, connection and communication are the keys. Lynn Weiss, in her book Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults, offers advice about sex that could also apply to many parts of any relationship. "Consensus is a couple's best friend, not compromise," she writes. "In consensus, together you find an alternative that pleases both. Don't give in and set yourself up as a loser. Don't get impatient because you are having trouble finding the solution."

Weiss reminds us that we should talk with our partner. Say, "I know we'll find what is good for both of us. I love you."

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