It's no secret that people with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) have trouble regulating their emotions. This can lead them to jump to the wrong conclusion or to take offense where none was intended -- and mild disagreements can quickly turn into bitter fights.

Before your anger gets the best of you, follow this ADHD relationship advice -- tested by real marriages -- to make your union stronger.

1. Understand each other's values

If you take the time to find out where your values coincide - and where they diverge - your disagreements will be less likely to take a nasty turn. There's no right or wrong here - just a clash of values.

Fight fair: Perhaps you and your spouse disagree about housekeeping. One partner (who values time) wants to hire someone to clean the house once a week. The other (who values money) considers that an extravagance. Maybe you can compromise, and hire someone to clean once every two weeks.

2. Establish ground rules

These should govern how, when, and where arguments will proceed. If you or your partner takes ADD medication, for example, it's probably a good idea to limit potentially explosive conversations to times when symptoms are fully controlled. If you have a hard time controlling your temper in conversations, perhaps you could agree to hash it out via e-mail.

Fight fair: Stop any discussion right away if you or your partner becomes angry. Take a time-out for grown-ups: Go for a walk, visit a neighbor, or play with a pet. Then return to the discussion 30 minutes later, after the anger has dissipated.

3. Restate your partner's words

Consider the possibility that you have missed - or misinterpreted - something. The best way to do this is to restate, in your own words, what you think your partner said. Then ask if you've gotten it right.

Fight fair: Don't continue the discussion until you're certain that you understand your partner's position.

4. Look for anger cues

In many instances, it's possible to sidestep disagreements altogether if each partner watches for signs that the other is becoming annoyed.

Fight fair: Look for anger cues - clenched fists, crossed arms, and changes in tone of voice. If you train yourself to notice these signs, you can take a break to calm down or prevent things from escalating.

5. Keep things in perspective

Arguments take a heavy physical and mental toll. Is it really worth the time and emotional stress? Often it's better to be like Teflon - and let things slide - than to be like Velcro, grabbing on to every annoyance or perceived slight.

Fight fair: Stop mid-argument to ask yourself: Do I really care about this, or am I just trying to win the fight? Let it go, and you'll win the real prize: a stronger marriage.

This article comes from the October/November 2005 issue of ADDitude.

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