8 COMMENTS!

7 Common Flashpoints for Spouses of ADDers

The most universal and pervasive complaints from spouses of ADDers — and how you can stop these problems in their tracks.

8 Comments:

• Posted by apple orchard girl - Nov 14 2009 @ 11:12 PM
  this seems like an awful amount of work to sign on to.....
  You know, there is nothing we can do to make another person grow awareness....shoot, we've tried! Lots!!...if it were going to work, it would have somewhere in the thousands of attempts to rescue or control the floundering ADHDer with education-guilt-trips-shame-rescue-routines we have on file here..... seems like it's time for partners to simply get out of the water and into their own life rafts...if others want to stay in the water with the giant biting things that will eat away at ther time, energy and life "potentials" let em.....or they too can choose to haul their own selves out and give life a go, under their own sails...with encouragement from fellow sailors...not fellow flounderers in the sea of chaos...
• Posted by GinaPera - May 10 2009 @ 1:43 PM
  Of course there's much more to it...
  ...but that's a good start. For one thing, it's always good to remember that the adult with ADHD is often female. For another, it typically takes a whole lot more than "telling your spouse how you feel" -- as if the partners of adults with ADHD wouldn't think of that little strategy all on their own or have tried it until they were blue in the face. :-) Gina Pera, author Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder http://www.ADHDRollerCoaster.com
• Posted by Nivlong - Oct 31 2008 @ 6:07 PM
  formatting?
  Oh great, my paragraphs got mashed together. How do we do line breaks?
• Posted by Nivlong - Oct 31 2008 @ 6:06 PM
  understanding and structure helps
  I have it backwards at home from Michelle and B. I'm the one diagnosed with ADD, but my girlfriend (of 8 years) doesn't think I have it. Luckily, we get along great for the most part and work fairly well together. She does say that I have "issues" and aside from me wishing she'd accept the diagnosis, I'm grateful for the love and support she has for me. I agree it's frustrating when people can't understand your viewpoint, regardless who has the "disability." I have apologized to her and have done better at being on time and meeting certain expectations. Early in the relationship it did take a lot of big arguments to get me to change. Not that I didn't care, but I didn't realize what I needed to do and what she expected of me. I've picked up different positive habits to get me heading home on time and off to work. Examples include: 1) I (almost) always put my wallet, keys, work badge, and phone in the same place when I get home. It's easier to leave on time the next day when I don't have to hunt for stuff. 2) I don't always prep for the next day's clothes and materials, but when I do, it really helps 3) I have Outlook at work. Setting reminders and calculating what time I really need to leave help (I have a flexible start time). 4) Bills! I've setup automatic transfers and payments for savings, bills, and retirement. It just took a few weeks of the infamous hyperfocusing, and now it's a non issue 5) Well placed attention. Also with hyperfocusing, I try to apply my full attention on things that she'd appreciate or doesn't want to do (like the bills, fixing the computers, cooking certain meals, etc). It really helps when both sides want to work it out, ADD or not. Adrianna and David touch upon the things that also worked for my girlfriend and me, and that's setting up clear boundaries and expectation and providing structure.
• Posted by adrianna - Oct 28 2008 @ 2:01 AM
  Some solutions I have found
  I have so thoroughly experienced the anger , frustration and madness that so many others have. I have found a few things that help. I treat my guy like an adult, set clear boundaries and consequences and let him fall flat on his face. If there are no consequences then he will never care. The biggest thing I have learned other than not enabling is to refuse to be co-dependent!

  I realized that in order for his behavior to change mine had to change and I had to stick to it. I always though the term co-dependent was a little extreme but that is exactly what I was doing. Eventually I went to Al-Anon and learned how to be happy and healthy regardless of what craziness he was doing.

  At one point he was not taking his meds as prescribed and I could not handle it. I went on a retreat and recharged myself. Also during that time, he wound up in jail for what started out as an unpaid speeding ticket. I did not rescue him, lol! Since his jail incident things have been much better. He still get himself into trouble but that is his choice.

  He is an adult. Basically the more I treat him like one the more he is one. As for finances, I have had to separate our monies. I have engineered it so that the bills get paid up front and what ever he has left over after paying his portion is his to do as he pleases but he knows if he blows it I will not bail him out. I will let him starve.

  I guess my best advice is give Al-anon a try. It beats gritting your teeth every day:-)!

• Posted by David - Aug 12 2007 @ 4:23 PM
  A couple thoughts
  1. Try making some trade-offs that are necessary because of this situation -- take naps during the day, instead of cleaning house or whatever -- so that you have the energy to deal with the children. If the house falls apart, well, he can always pitch in whenever he finally gets home.

  Another possibility might be some behavioral modification techniques, combined with supporting tools. For example, tell him that you expect him to be home by X time at least 4 days a week, or Y consequence will happen (no sex? no dinner?). Make him a checklist of stuff he has to do before leaving the office (one big problem is all the puttering that occurs when one realizes one needs to send that one e-mail, grab some papers, etc.), and call him 10 minutes before he's supposed to be leaving work and remind him to go through his checklist and then *leave*. Make a big chart that you can hang on the wall in a visible place, and mark the days he's home on time with a big green checkmark, and the days he's home late with a big red X. The chart and color-coding are important -- if you leave those off, your odds of success go down a fair bit.

  When he succeeds, make sure you give him solid positive feedback and praise. (A gold star on a chart? :) )

  2. Find a reliable part-time nanny or au pair to help with the children in the evenings. This may be difficult, as you're probably having financial hardships (goes with the territory, unfortunately), but it's possible that given the choice between seeing a doctor and paying actual money to someone on a regular basis to make up for his deficits, he'll choose the doctor.

  3. Think long and hard beforehand, but: maybe a wake-up call? Tell him that you cannot continue to have a partner you cannot rely on. He can go see a doctor, or he can go see a lawyer. (Again, I'd be really careful about this...it really should be a last resort. Maybe a marriage counselor -- who might gently suggest an ADHD evaluation -- would be a possibility?) There's a good chance, I think, that he does recognize there's a problem, but he forgets about it (really!), or he doesn't understand how much impact it's having on you.

  Good luck! Hope things get better for you.

• Posted by Michelle Ming - May 4 2007 @ 3:44 PM
  ill and can't take spouse's ADHD issues
  After nearly 15 years of marriage, our 8 year old was diagnosed with ADHD and thinks, acts, and demonstrates many of the same behaviours as my husband who refuses to believe he has ADHD. I have been diagnosed with a disease that saps my energy and I "need" him to be home "on time" before I go into an energy crisis and can't care for my 5 and 8 year old daily. He is always late and slow (from my vantage point) to respond. Any thoughts for me?

• Posted by B - Apr 23 2007 @ 3:38 PM
  exactly how I feel
  After nearly 50 years, I'm ready to bail out. I'm tired of dealing with it. What can one do when the ADDer never says I'm sorry or takes responsibility for his actions?