1. Uneven division of labor
You feel as though you do all the "scut work"—cleaning, planning, organizing, reminding, and putting away.
2. Poor time management
You've gotten used to having your spouse show up late for almost everything—unless you remind him often about deadlines and meeting times.
3. Broken promises
Your spouse may forget about chores or obligations, or work only on what he feels like doing.
4. Precarious finances
As one spouse puts it, she's tired of "feeling guilty every time I buy something for myself because he has already spent too much."
5. Wild dreams
Your spouse constantly comes up with great ideas or makes extravagant declarations ("I'm going to stop drinking soda"), but seldom follows through.
6. A parent-child-esque relationship
In the words of one exasperated non-ADD spouse: "Most of the time I don't feel like my husband's wife, I feel like the single mother (or nanny) of a spoiled 6-year-old child."
7. Feeling alone
You feel like you're doing it all, and that you have to ask your spouse to pay attention to you.
Couples need to let go of judgment and blame, but, at the same time, the anger does need to come out. As the non-ADD spouse, you don't have to land punches, but you do need to be able to tell your mate how hard he can be to live with. Once anger moves out, understanding can come in to take its place. Don't let ADD split you up. Marriage is difficult for all of us. ADD is too treatable for you to let it end what could have been a great marriage.
Adapted from Delivered from Distraction (Ballantine).
-
Posted by
David
-
Aug 12 2007 @ 4:23 PM
A couple thoughts
1. Try making some trade-offs that are necessary because of this situation -- take naps during the day, instead of cleaning house or whatever -- so that you have the energy to deal with the children. If the house falls apart, well, he can always pitch in whenever he finally gets home. Another possibility might be some behavioral modification techniques, combined with supporting tools. For example, tell him that you expect him to be home by X time at least 4 days a week, or Y consequence will happen (no sex? no dinner?). Make him a checklist of stuff he has to do before leaving the office (one big problem is all the puttering that occurs when one realizes one needs to send that one e-mail, grab some papers, etc.), and call him 10 minutes before he's supposed to be leaving work and remind him to go through his checklist and then *leave*. Make a big chart that you can hang on the wall in a visible place, and mark the days he's home on time with a big green checkmark, and the days he's home late with a big red X. The chart and color-coding are important -- if you leave those off, your odds of success go down a fair bit.
When he succeeds, make sure you give him solid positive feedback and praise. (A gold star on a chart? :) )
2. Find a reliable part-time nanny or au pair to help with the children in the evenings. This may be difficult, as you're probably having financial hardships (goes with the territory, unfortunately), but it's possible that given the choice between seeing a doctor and paying actual money to someone on a regular basis to make up for his deficits, he'll choose the doctor.
3. Think long and hard beforehand, but: maybe a wake-up call? Tell him that you cannot continue to have a partner you cannot rely on. He can go see a doctor, or he can go see a lawyer. (Again, I'd be really careful about this...it really should be a last resort. Maybe a marriage counselor -- who might gently suggest an ADHD evaluation -- would be a possibility?) There's a good chance, I think, that he does recognize there's a problem, but he forgets about it (really!), or he doesn't understand how much impact it's having on you.
Good luck! Hope things get better for you.
-
Posted by
Michelle Ming
-
May 4 2007 @ 3:44 PM
ill and can't take spouse's ADHD issues
After nearly 15 years of marriage, our 8 year old was diagnosed with ADHD and thinks, acts, and demonstrates many of the same behaviours as my husband who refuses to believe he has ADHD. I have been diagnosed with a disease that saps my energy and I "need" him to be home "on time" before I go into an energy crisis and can't care for my 5 and 8 year old daily. He is always late and slow (from my vantage point) to respond. Any thoughts for me?
-
Posted by
B
-
Apr 23 2007 @ 3:38 PM
exactly how I feel
After nearly 50 years, I'm ready to bail out. I'm tired of dealing with it. What can one do when the ADDer never says I'm sorry or takes responsibility for his actions?
3 Comments: 
